What do I do with ungrateful, disrespectful, spoiled rotten step children?

Question

I have such love and compassion for children. I am very troubled because I am not sure what to do about my situation. I have two step children (ages 9 and 11) whom I have gone out of my way for and have opened up to and have treated just as I do my own children. I have involed them in all aspects of my life. They do not live with my husband and I, however they visit every other weekend. I am at wits end because they treat us horribly. They ignore me, disrespect me and disrespect the other children in my husband and my home. When they come over, they hit my children, yell at them, and refuse to follow any of the rules that my husband and I set forth. I have tried very hard to be patient, but my nerves are growing thin. My husband tries very hard to correct his children's behavior, but to no avail. It does not help that their mother bad mouths everyone in our household, so we can't turn to her for any help. It is difficult not only on me, but my children and my husband.

Answer 1

Two words -- BOARDING SCHOOL!

Honestly, you may want to consider having a sit down with a mediator. Their behavior is unacceptable, and they need to be shown consequences. For instance, maybe their time with their Dad should be cut in half until they can prove their behavior will be corrected. I'm sure their mother would shape up if she realized she wasn't going to get every other weekend off. She sounds like a really pitiable person. If they hit your kids, they should be removed from the household. There is no excuse for hitting, and it cannot be allowed.

I really feel for you. It's definitely time for some tough love both for them AND for their trash-talkin' mother!

Answer 2

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What do I do with ungrateful, disrespectful, spoiled rotten step children?
I have such love and compassion for children. I am very troubled because I am not sure what to do about my situation. I have two step children (ages 9 and 11) whom I have gone out of my way for and have opened up to and have treated just as I do my own children. I have involed them in all...

Answer 3

Sorry bout it, but u knew he was a snake when u picked him up. Ure his mommy now. You took on that role and he expects you to play the part. Of course he'll call his real mom and tattle on u. U knew when u got him that he made u pay for dinner and foot all the bills. He thinks it's part of the deal. He is 6 years younger than you, he thinks it's a good trade off. I'll tell u how it happened. You were desperate. You were close to 40 and didn't want to be an old maid and overlooked how they treated u. Next time stop comparing ur life to your gfs and let things happen naturally. Don't marry a with the motive of not being single anymore. Either that or u were the other woman and u thought u won a prize that u had to tie down but she was easy to eager to let him go. So which is it?

Answer 4

Look here honey, you have done your best to try and include those ungrateful, disrespectful, spoiled rotten children in your life and home. You are responsible for your children. Don't let them be bullied and scared and abused in their own home. That is their place of refuge. Since she wants to talk bad about everybody in the household let her keep them with her. If they need something you all can get it to her, but tell her until you all can come to an agreement on how her kids is suppose to act then you all prefer them not to come over at all. She is messing those kids up because life is not gonna let them get away with what she has allowed them to get away with. You are instilling all of the qualities in your children that a descent parent should want in their kids. I believe the mother is allowing these kids to act like this in order to break you guys up. Don't let her get what she wants. Stop letting them spend the weekends and every time she or they call tell them that you are sorry , but there are rules in your house that your kids have to follow and if they are not to hard for your kids to follow then they are not to hard for her kids to follow. Until then we will still help out financially , but that's about all you all can do until some type of change is made. Good Luck and GOD BLESS!!!!!

Answer 5

This is one of the more difficult situations. First, I would recommend a book called "Children: The Challenge" by Rudolf Dreikers. It is based on the acknowledgment that children cannot be controlled through punishment and reward. They need to learn through natural consequences how to interact and carry on throughout life. It works wonderfully with some children, less well with others, but is excellent for blending families with lots of different personalities, inputs, etc. Your husband's children need to be taught to take responsibility for their actions, the way they treat people, etc.

These children are in serious need of two things: love and boundaries. Start with a family meeting. The children should suggest household rules, and they should all be written on a large poster board. All of the children should agree to and sign the rules board. Consequences should also be suggested and agreed upon. If the children do not want to participate in the discussion, they can either sit quietly or leave the group. Every time the kids visit, the visit should include a family meeting, where everyone gets to voice his opinion, share concerns, complaints, etc. It should be democratic. This will teach your step-children that their opinions are valuable, they are part of a whole group family situation, they are expected to follow the same rules as the children who live in the home all the time, etc. It will also help them bond with the other children and identify with them.

I would also suggest organized activities. Organization and order will help these children feel more secure and give them a place in your home. Some activities should be for the children, some should be so that the step-kids spend time alone with you, some so that they spend time alone with their father, some so that they spend time alone with the two of you, while the others (your children) have a sitter, etc. The alone time with you guys is important to developing your relationship with them. A lot of "acting out" is based on the need for attention.

If possible, these kids should each see a therapist so that they have a person to talk to who is unbiased. A place to air their concerns, etc. This is tremendously helpful. If necessary, they can see a therapist on Saturday mornings when they visit you (uncooperative mothers are the worst), but it is worth the time, money, etc. Your kids may also benefit from this, as the dynamic in your home may be difficult for them. Therapy is great for kids.

Lastly, when all of this fails, is unfeasible, etc., you may need to set very strict boundaries and follow them. If the children are not kind and respectful to the others in the household, they will have to go home. Their mother cannot use your family as a babysitter. Perhaps it would be better for their father to take them to dinner and to the park on Sunday nights, so that he can maintain the relationship. An uncooperative mother becomes much more cooperative (and will likely encourage them to behave at your house) if she learns that you're not going to take her children's abuse. You have an obligation to protect your marriage, your children, and your family from highly disruptive and destructive influences. Don't be afraid to make some major changes in order to set boundaries. Good luck!

Answer 6

Your weekend wonders are trying to test father's affections and doing a good job of it. They are also probably quite jealous of you and your children because you have their dad all of the time. You need to structure the visits so you are in control. Make sure you have something special scheduled for each day and make it contingent on good behavior. If that doesn't work, withhold all privileges until earned. A good lickin' with a belt now and then is okay, too. Just don't leave a lot of marks that could be used as evidence against you.

Answer 7

I have a feeling that this issue won't be resolved easily, or soon. As long as they are going home to this 'mother', things will not change. I am not a lover of divorce, but I know that it does happen and I understand why most of the time. However, if two people have children together, one parent should NEVER be pitting the children against the other, nor should they be badmouthing one another. That is abusive to the children! It pisses me off that we expect our children to 'grow up and act their age' but some adults never do! It's disgusting. I wish you good luck on this one. You are going to need it. My best advice for you, though, is for your husband to seek custody.

Answer 8

I understand and feel your pain. Counselling would be one option, but I am not a believer in that they can resolve other people's problems to an acceptable level of efficiency. My only suggestion is the following.... They need to understand who's boss; you are the parent, they are the kids. Your rules have to be enforced with penalties if not obeyed. The penalties must be geared at taking away something they enjoy (ie. no computer), and you must stick to your guns. Do not give in like many parents do (ie. "okay but next time you'll be punished"). Just do it! You will probably feel guilty, they will probably cry, but it doesn't matter. The next time they will think twice about disobeying rules, if they were hurt enough (not physically) during your punishment.

Answer 9

Here's my suggestion:
Well first off I would have a talk with your husband and you both need to decide what rules you want in your household. Then you need to both sit your step-children down when they visit and tell them what the rules and expectations are and what will happen if they broke these rules. If the children still misbehave if you can have your husband talk to the mother and maybe try to resolve your differences. If not you may simply have to ask your step-children to not come back until they can respect your rules (with your husband's approval-and he needs to be the one to tell the mother/children because they will probally just say you are just a step-mother and that they don't have to listen to you, being controlling, etc).

Answer 10

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In a way your wrong, but not in the sence you think you are. Your son is right, you spoiled him. he has taken your kindness for weakness and if you don't speak up or do something about it you're going to snap, go numb, or resent him and yourself. You seem like a very strong intelligent person. you know what you have to do. stop enabling him. Put your foot down. If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything. This does not sound like love it sounds like a charity case. Start being selfish, you work hard and you deserve it.