my father sexually abuse me and my husband won't come over for dinner?

Question

I have two children and I told my husband what my dad did and he doesn't want anything to do with my parents and we have two children a boy and a girl

my father knows that he knows. I know that my father is a horrible person and this has ruined my childhood, but I can see it to go through the holidays with just forgetting it for thanksgiving and christmas

I never see my father he works all the time. I go to see my mother only

Answer 1

I too was sexually abused by my father. The way my hubby and I got around that was to compromise. I promised to NEVER leave either child alone with him and he promised not to start any fights. It still is hard sometimes but I explained to my husband that I would still like my parents in my life and I would appreciate if he would stand behind my decision they way I do all of his. This is a tough situation. Good luck

Answer 2

For the love of god, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT tell your father that you told your husband. You and your husband need to have a long talk. Obviously you've come to terms with this but I'm assuming it probably took years of coping and therapy.......give your husband a break, he didn't have any of that, he just gets told out of the blue that his wife, the woman he loves and adores, was sexually abused by non other than his father in law. Sit with him and talk to him about it, how you coped with it, tell him that you're ok now (if you are and if not that may open the door to you going to more therapy and he can go with you so you guys can deal with this together). You can't hold it against your husband if he doesn't wish to see your parents, respect his decision. I'm sure he's running through a whole gamut of emotions right now, he's uncomfortable, I'm sure he's angry (a mans natural reaction to learning that someone hurt his loved one, the mother of his children is to be very angry and do whatever he has to to protect that from happening again), give him some time to figure out what he's feelilng and deal with those emotions. Oh, for future reference, there are some secrets it's ok to keep from your hubby, especially if it's something that is going to affect the family dynamic, things between your husband and your father are never, never going to be the same as they were previous to hubby receiving this knowledge of the horrible things your father did to you. I wish you the best, I really do and therapy, therapy, therapy.......oh, did I mention it would probably be beneficial for you (and hubby) to go to therapy? Just want to throw that out there.

Answer 3

Good for him! Better to be safe than sorry. I for one have been molested multiple times (not by my father), by a family member and babysitters. I would NEVER let my son be around the person who violated me even though it's been 20 years (I was 5). Men who do those kinds of sick acts, never really change. The thoughts are always there. Maybe you are sick for even wanting to see your dad! Why would you want to risk your children being hurt the way you were? I understand that forgiveness is important, but allowing your children to be around your dad is NOT a good idea. Your husband has every right to feel that way too. What happens when you tell your kids what happened to you when you were young? They will wonder why you would put them in harm's way by letting them be in contact with their grandfather. PLEASE re-think this. If something happened to your children, you would never forgive yourself. Respect your husband's request. He only wants the best for you and your kids. I'm sure your husband is angry that your dad could hurt the wife he loves. He has probably seen how it has affected your life, and simply doesn't want the same for his children. They are half his. He is right in this case. Hope this helps, and that you decide against having contact with your father when your kids are present. Good luck!

Answer 4

I agree with FebFox 100%. Your kids should not be around your dad. He had his chance to have a healthy relationships with kids already, and he blew it by molesting his own offspring (and who knows who else?). You can have him in your life if you want, but don't try to force your husband. Your mom can come visit you.

I can understand not wanting to "punish" your mom, but remember, she made a choice to stay married to the man who molested her child. She's not a bad person for doing so, but like anyone else, her decisions have conseqences she must live with. Surely she would understand if you said, "Mom, I'm sorry, but my husband is not comfortable with our children visiting due to dad's pedophilia and sex abuse" and if she doesn't, then DEFINATELY keep your kids away because her denial could be harmful!

Answer 5

I agreed with your husband. He probably looking at it from father point of view. He can't understand why a father would hurt his daughter, because he would not never hurt his children .

Answer 6

The moment you confided in your husband about your father, you should have known that anyone in it right mind would not like your dad anymore.

Answer 7

Your husband has every right to not want to be in that home or to expose your children to possible harm,, as far as the person who said he should have respect for them,, get a life!,, how can anyone respect a didler!

Answer 8

Well sorry for both of yall hey can you blame him or would you want him to eventually have a confrontation with your dad also don't let your dad baby sit your kids and tell your Mom to come alone.

Answer 9

your husband is partially correct
he is right for not going..but he is wrong for letting the kids to go any where near your parents...PERIOD..they should never ever be near them..
and you should have put your dad in jail...
you CAN NOT FIX OR HEAL a child molester or a rapist...it can not be done.it is always i them and they are always capable of harm..all the time at any time...
not even a Doctor can heal them..it is impossible..ask any state prosecutor or state prison doctors..they will tell you it is not possible to heal this type of person.they will continue to always be a danger...

Answer 10

if you ahve forgiven you father then your husband should respect that, but you may want to respect your husband in the fact that he is a father....maybe counseling??? I'm sorry you had to deal with that.