How can I, as a victim of abuse, deal with my anger toward my abusers? - Please see details before answering:?

Question

This abuse occurred in the past, in my teens and 20s; I am now 51 years old. Generally speaking, I am a person who has a number of successes in my life, and most poeple who know me would consider me to be intelligent, calm, and kind, but I am still affected by my own anger toward those who physically harmed me. Although I am no longer allowing myself to be abused, I am also not able to confront some of the individuals who did me harm in the first decades of my life, primarily because they have died or I no longer know their wherabouts (rather than being emotionally incapable of rational confrontation). The people are gone, one way or another, but the ANGER is still there - so what are some strategies for dealing with that anger that I still feel at these individuals whom I cannot confront? I would appreciate the perspective of persons interested in psychology, as well as those who have also been victims. Thank you.

Answer 1

Hi,
Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so so sorry for the pain you have been through and continue to go though.
One thing I noticed you said was "not able to confront".
I am/was a victim but I now, like to call myself a survivor.
I am 38 years old and spent my whole life, empty, angry wanting some sort of revenge...anything!
I was also in the same situation as you as far as them being gone, dead, etc...
It was something I found so hard to believe, no matter what I did, who I talked to,nothing seemed to work. I finally after even putting myself in a psych ward gave up and decided it's just something I will have to live with forever.
Please don't give up on me yet. I may sound like a babbling idiot but I am so in tuned as to what you are going through and I know it is difficult and may seem impossible but...at the age of 38, I am realizing that I can control it but ONLY I can.
I have been molested, raped, physically and mentally abused for the most part of my life and it started when I was about 4. (The molestation)
Who would think 34 years later I still have issues with that?????
I got so sick of "Get over it"
Time heals all wounds etc.."
I'm sure you can understand.
I have had failed relationships after failed relationship.
I got so sick of who I had become for me me, suicide seemed easier.
A friend gave me this link http://drphilstore.com/selmatpaped.html
It seemed to make TOO much sense to me and I decided I wanted to read it.
WOW! Talk about hard. It really makes you think, write things down etc...
I swear by this book. I am not finished reading it but I promise you that I can see things from a new perspective. My life was so altered. I have let so many things go that I didn't think was ever possible. I have had memories resurface that I didn't even know I have. I will tell you that it is a very emotional way of peeling back layers but...
I already know without a doubt that this was so needed in order for me to heal.
Honey, I could go on and on but I could never do my experience as I do these lessons any justice at all.
My life has been everyone but mine. I have let everything that I have had to endure control who I am/was.
Don't let that be you. Be the star of your life.
Please message me. I have so much to say. I am no counselor, by no means but I can relate to the pain and ANGER.
I would say in just doing the lessons and so much more to look forward to in the book that I am 100% confident that I am ME again. I will continue doing the lessons and reading the book.
I want to be happy and for the first time, I now know I CAN! No shadows of the past will ever chase me again!
It's your turn.
I wish you the best, sorry for babbling but please do not disregard this.
~T~

One more thing, if you make the choice...The anger will go away. WE DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT!

Answer 2

I'm guessing my problems were not as sever as yours but I did suffer through years of abusive treatment as a child and teen (all of which occured outside the home, my family life was ok).

The anger and pain will never go away but you can put it aside most of the time. Like you I am no longer able to contact those who caused me pain but one of the ways I deal with it is to sit down and consider what do I really expect to get out of confronting them? Will it make them change the way they act? They are adults now as well and if they are still acting the way they did my guess is that confronting them will not change them in any way. Will it change how I act? Um no it has already impacted the way my life was shaped but no longer does other than occasionally ticking me off if and when I think about it but most times I choose to live in the present. Or if I do remember old times I remember the good ones and ignore the painful memories as much as possible. So if confrontation isn't probably going to change the person who did the deed and if it's not really going to change the person who it happened to about the only thing that might come of it is a sense of closure. Well, if your successful in life and no longer a victim of abuse, then in the end your life is now ok, so let that be your closure. That is at least how I try to look at it. I'm not saying it's right.

And on those days for whatever reason I can't stop thinking about it. I go home ask my wife and son to leave me alone for the night. Pick up a movie or book to occupy myself and drink a 6 pack to forget again.

Answer 3

Well - I guess a trawl through the strategies would look at the basic strategies for coping with any psychosocial stressor:

From least mature to most mature they include:

regression
dissociation
splitting
repression
suppression
displacement
denial
inversion
reaction formation
projection
somatization
identification
substitution
idealization
intellectualization
rationalization
INTROJECTION
UNDOING
SUBLIMATION

The only ones I would actually recommend are specific forms of introjection, undoing and sublimation. These are the more mature ego defences. Many of the preceding ones are primitive ways to cope with stressors which would not actually deal with the issues or give rise to psychopathology. ie. they sweep things under the carpet in one way or another. Some of the defences are unconscious mechanisms that are difficult to invoke by conscious choice and essentially do the same thing - they are elaborate ways to ignore the problem.

If you choose to use introjection, undoing or sublimation you would be choosing to acknowledge your anger and to do something with it (which is where you seem to be, from your question). Anger can be a very useful driving force to fuel many achievements.

Perhaps you can do things in a general way - raising community awareness about abuse. Take a course in counselling and become a counsellor. Volunteer to man a telephone help call center. Learn and teach self defence.

Perhaps you have found a role model in someone who has been longsuffering, suffered many abuses or overcome many hardships (Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Grommit (from Wallace and Grommit), Helen Keller)

Perhaps you need to do things in a specific way - aimed at the abuses you feel/recall you have suffered and the abusers who have inflicted them upon you. This might be achieved in many ways - writing a letter to them (alive or dead) - writing poetry or creating some form of artwork (I'm sure Jackson Pollock and Salvador Dali were very stressed men - Pollock suffered quite bad depression early on) or music or screen play or whatever.

I hope some or any of the above has been helpful. Sorry it was a little long.

Answer 4

I have found that writing letters to the people who have harmed me in my life is very helpful. Even if you never send the letter, just writing it, getting all of those feelings out on paper, can help a lot. My dad died when I was 17, but I hadn't seen him since I was 10. I held a lot of anger towards him. This past spring I wrote him a 10 page letter. I expressed everything I felt and a lot of things I didn't know I felt and some things that I didn't know how to feel about. I swore at him and told him I loved him. I'm sure anyone reading it would think I'd gone psycho, but it really helped me a lot.

Answer 5

I am sharing this with you 1 because I dont want to have regrets when i am a little older that i did not confront people who have heard me. and 2 maybe it can help you.
I am 20 years old, I have been a victim of physical, sexual and mental abuse. I know all the people that have done this to me. The physical and mental was my parents. The sexual, is a man that i do not know of his where abouts. I am coming to an age though, were my past is already starting to haunt me. I confronted my Mother about it, and we cried in each others arms for hours. As for my Father, he was a lot worse,punching, choking, brusing, telling me i was a disapointment, that he wishes he could kill me. Waking up in the middle of the night to him dragging me out of bed to beat the living crap out of me for no reason. It was the ages 4-15 that i was abused. I moved out at 16, and then was sexually abused, that i will not talk about.

But after all of this, i will have anger towards my dad, and the other man. I dont know how to confront my dad because he scares me, and the man, i dont know his where abouts. But I look at it in this way, the past is in the past. I can become a wonderful person with a number of successes in my life just as you have. And if the anger is still with me, I will go to a therapist again (whome has helped me more then you would know) I will seek help with in myself to be stronger, that way I am not angrey as these abusers were. I will find it in myself to be peaceful in anyway i can. And hopefully there is no depression or other feelings besides hate. Really try talking to a therapist, try finding other outlets for the anger, and trust within yourself. I really dont know what else to say. ~Amanda

Answer 6

I am in the same way in my life right now. But I'm 31. And mine are still here on this earth but I don't know how to make the pain go away. But what my dr. said is that I need to talk about what happin. and that maybe what ever make me think about what happiend to make a note of it and try to make in to something good. I have found that every hard to do.They say all the time that a car crash are so bad or a plane crash. But abuse any kind of abuse is the hardest thing to live with because it never goes away and even when you think it's gone it come back by a smell or a look just by something so smelb . I think to myself I wish on one would have to feel this bad. But to your ? it will never really go way but you just have to forgive not forget

Answer 7

You could take Anger Management classes. Many colleges offer those courses. The hospital in which I work offers them. You could see a counselor and chances are that you have not?
Or you can summon the strength you have inside. My Dad was verbally unloving and uncaring. At times his anger would bridge on neglect toward me, my Mom and others. I refuse to let his anger become a bitter pill for me to swallow. I can't & won't be like him, because I know it would hurt others. I've resented the hurt and became an opposite of him. Caring, considerate. I volunteer my time with special needs children, I work at a hospital taking care of sick, I visit nursing homes.
Stand up to my challenge to take your hurts and turn them into positives. You survived - now thrive. You have been given a gift of the inside view of what people are living through today. Use it to help others.

Answer 8

I am 51 and in the same position as you. One of my abuser's is dead, though I have anger at his wife for not telling our family when she knew he did this. The other is still alive, but I still fear him and I do not want to do anything that might hurt my son who is his grown child. It is possible that this man would attempt to hurt him or my grandchildren even though he plays little part in their lives.

I was able to get rid of a lot of anger in therapy, but as I remembered and actually allowed myself to feel the abuse, it became even worse.

There is no way to punish them or take them to court now and I struggle with the need to forgive them, though I will never forget again what was taken from me.

People have told me to punch pillows, take karate, run, lol...I laugh because, this would not change anything. I am able, at times, to talk about it and to let the anger out, like letting steam off a pot that is boiling.

It is at the point where I feel that my anger is effecting my relationships and if anyone tried to even raise a hand to me I am not sure what I might do. One thing that will never happen, I willl never be abused again in anyway.

Because of this I have had to remove myself from some relationships and friendships and I fear I may have to let others go as well.

If you would like to talk about this, please feel free to email me.

Answer 9

After thirty years, you're still letting this anger eat at you?

Blow it off. It's history. Can't be changed. The only thing that CAN change is your accepting what happened, and not let it happen again (as you've stated). Your abusers are gone. Good. Let it go. They'll have to pay for their transgressions (if you believe that stuff). YOU don't have to. So stop paying.

Go outside. It's a beautiful day (here, anyway). Be thankful you're not dead or something. Take a walk in the park and feed the birds. Watch the kids playing in a playground. Have an ice cream cone (unless you're in St Paul or something). Listen to some Sinatra. Watch the clouds drift by. Find the beauty that surrounds you and forget the ugliness.

Answer 10

I would recommend that you enter therapy and talk about what happened to you and deal with your feelings with a professional's help.