Why is my son lying??

Question

I have a 13 yr. son who, in recent months has been lying. We've spoken about it and what the consequences are when you lie and the people it can hurt, including himself. He says he understands that it's not right but continues to do so. I've tried a few different things as punishment and rewarded appropriate behavior but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. Any suggestions??

Answer 1

Children lie for many reasons. To protect themselves (from punishment when they do something they shouldnt)
To protect others (when a friend has done something wrong)
To avoid embarrassment or avoid something they don't want to talk about (sure, I'm still a virgin, mom)
And probably the biggest reason.....for attention.
Like many problems, it can occur from changes in their environment or themselves.
Have you moved, changed jobs, someone new in your life or anything else?....
If he is 13 he may be entering puberty/adolesence and confused about the changes to his life/body/hormones.
As with most problems, communication may be the key. You have talked to him about lying but have you found out the real reason he does it? Maybe he just needs to talk about stuff in general and get honest answers to some of the problems he may be facing.
Hope this helps

Answer 2

Teens lie all the time unfortunately. It's a form of self preservation and the mentality that we were born last night. I've come to believe that maturity is the only thing that will make them stop. What you have to do is not let sweat the small stuff, but also let him know that you know he's lying, you're extremely disappointed in him and then let him know that he's not going anywhere for the weekend, or you're not driving him somewhere - that you don't reward bad behavior. Punishing a teen doesn't do any good. The only thing we can really do is lead by example and know that the teen years suck, teens think that parents know nothing and then surprisingly they mature over-night. My son did. He's 26, married, about to have a child and thinks it won't be so hard. Little does he know I have a little book of all his "isms" that I plan to give him when his baby is born.

Good luck. It is sinking in, and he probably feels guilty, but a) it's a form of self preservation and b) he's got friend that out-rank his parents. You care enough and he'll get that eventually. Hang in there and just let him know that you're on to him.

As others have suggested - please don't smack him. That won't fix anything and will only cause him to distance himself even more.

Answer 3

I had 4 boys, custody of my nephew, and raised my niece. They range in ages of 13-20 now. So I have been through this stage more than once. And, that is what it is.... a stage. There is no way that you will be able to force him not to do this. It is a learning situation that they all go through.
I have handled it many ways over the years. For example, with one of my kids, everytime they asked me a question, I lied. It would be simple things like...Do we have any milk??? I would say no. They would go to the fridge awhile later and see we had milk and ask me why I said we didnt. Then it is your turn to simply in a few sentences explain. Then apologize.
We all get into the bad habit of lying at some point. When we get pulled over for speeding.... oh was I going that fast?? Or, for example... the dog ate my homework when all it was is that we did not feel like doing it. It is his conscience that is making him do it. He does know it is wrong, but he is more afraid of the consequences than lying. Let him know it is alright to tell the truth. No matter what it is it can be worked out. Once he realizes this, he will not lie as much.
Be positive.. .this will resolve itself with the right encouragement from you and a lot of patience.

Answer 4

Well two things, first of all is what is he lying about - is it things that he would be afraid to confess to because of the way you'd react, such as failing tests in school etc, or is it lying about where he was until midnight last night. If its the latter I would say you need to absolutely stop him from going out with friends to parties etc until he is capable of behaving responsibly. If he's up to things that he has to lie about then you need to say no full stop. Its this age where the parents can really make a difference between their child continuing down a path which will lead to more trouble or stopping it now and keeping order and control until you have a successful man walking out the door. I have seen so many parents give in and its really sad because the child could have turned out so much better. Do everything you possibly need to to regain control as parents.

Answer 5

Continue talking to him. Discontinue rewarding good behavior because you are probably encouraging him to lie. He lies about one thing, but as long as he does something good, he gets a reward. You need to make it clear that it's an all around thing. He's not 2. That way of teaching is good for very young children because they don't really remember things very well. If he's lying, he's lying. Just because he cleans his room, doesn't stop him from lying.

Try a long-standing punishment. For every lie - a particular punishment (i.e., take away his favorite thing for a week), for every good thing, give it back to him for a day (i.e., punishment for 6 days instead of 7). That way, when he lies, he knows it's much worse than lying and he has to do a bunch of good things to make it up, not just one.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I had a good friend who lied all the time. People tolerated it because of his personality. He was the life of the party. But I got tired of it. I don't like being lied to. Here's what I did. Everytime he said something. I'd say, I don't believe you. Then I'd tell him why. Half the things you say aren't true. So why should I believe you. I did this for about 3 days. He finally came around and went out of his way to make sure he wasn't lying. But I must add this was just a temporary fix. He started up again. Well we're no longer friends. But your son's still moldable. Give it a try.
Good luck!

Answer 7

Ok, I'm 13, and kind of know what he's going through. I get lectured every night about lying, how it hurts the people around him, all that good stuff. Kids lie to get out of something, punishment, raking the yard... almost anything. There's not real reason why we do it. I swear, it seems every time I lie, my parents find out about it, so all it's doing is hurting me more. Try bigger punishments. That's what got me to stop.

Answer 8

13 is an incredibly hard age. What is he lying about? Is he lying about friends, grades, etc? If so, he might be trying to tell you something. Ask him questions about his life. How is school? Kids can be so harsh at that age, and sometimes parents can't tell how their children fit into the social structure at school. Does he have a crush on anyone? Usually when children lie it is to cover up a truth that really hurts. Instead of talking to him about the evils of lying, ask him why his is lying. If you are receptive to his answers, he might just stop.

Answer 9

well i'm 13 but i don't really lie that much...just little white lies...nothing bad or anything.... maybe you could like trick him when you know he's lying....to make him relize how bad lying really is.for example if you know he's lying about a grade he got on a test (he says he got an A when he really got like a D or something) then just be like "because you did so good were going to do all these things for you (only say something really great like "were going to take you and 3 friends to an amusement park" or something like that. then you just keep making that "A" seem like a HUGE deal like tell everyone you know (when he's around) how proud of him you are and stuff like that. then he will feel so guilty he'll have to cave and tell the truth

Answer 10

Maybe it would be helpful to shift your topic of thinking from why he's lying to what he's lying about. Is there a link between the lies he tells? (What does he lie about, is it serious or not, how do you find out when he's lying...) I don't want to sound pessemistic, but maybe he's hiding something he feels like he can't be honest about. Unless that's the case, it sounds like he may be just going through the rebellious teenage phase and this is his way of handling it. It can be harder to get into a boy's head, because they often just nod their head and agree with you, but the minute the conversation is over, they disregard it. At least you can tell usually what an upset teen girl is thinking because she'll scream it at you! (lol) Don't be too worried unless he's lying about serious stuff. But don't rule out anything automatically either.