Getting married, he wants kids in first year, I dont, suggestions?

Question

Now I have a spine dont get me wrong. When I said suggestions I meant what can I take to prevent pregnancy. He already knows where I stand on the issue and I'm not compromising on it and he knows that.

We have a good relationship, its just that he's older and has no children.

Been using condoms my whole life. Looking forward to stopping but definately not ready for the kids. Whats best. pills patch, how about this nuvaring thing.

I do want kids. eventually.

Answer 1

Maybe consider putting off the wedding then? I think that couples should be married at least a year before they start thinking about children because couples change once they are married and you want to make sure it is going to last. Most divorces/separations happen in the 1st year, so you need to sit him down and make him understand you want to wait a little while. If he doesn't then maybe he isnt the one you should be marrying!!

Answer 2

Speak to the best interests of the kids. Until you both are ready, the kids will suffer. Itemize how the kids will suffer from your unique situation of not being ready for them, and list how you are not ready for them. Then create a plan for how YOU *want* to prepare yourself for the sacred responsibility of raising kids in your own family.

Discuss your findings with him. If he cannot honor your feelings, then if the marriage is to be successful, you will need professional counselling. You will want kids when you are ready, and you won't when you are not; that's just the way a healthy mind works. Same goes with him.

Once you do have kids, though, you may not change your mind about being ready or wanting them, as such is definitely not in their best interests. Your only real option (besides adoption) is to discover and strengthen your desire and preparedness for the kids which are already yours.

BTW, his desires are serious displays of respect for you, and he will be willing to wait when he understands how much you value the welfare of your kids. If you are simply trying to avoid the additional responsibility at this time, be honest about that and about the effect of this philosophy on the kids. Every major life-changing event brings serious stress into your life, and they should be spaced out several months to a year apart. Pregnancy is a life-changing event, too.

Answer 3

Sit down and have a heart to heart. Tell him your reasons for wanting to wait and find out his reasons for wanting them so soon. Make a compromise that you both can live with. If you are in love I don't see this as being a deal breaker. If he wanted kids and you didn't that might be a different story. Set a timeline of when to re-visit the topic. My husband and I agreed that we both wanted kids and want them within the next few years. We agreed to sit down a year from now, look at where we are, and make a decision of whether it is time to start trying or if we need to set a new time to talk again down the road.

Communication is the number one thing in marriage. Sit down and talk it out. If this is your only issue with your fiance then I wouldn't think it would be a deal breaker.

Happy planning!

Crystal

Answer 4

Please talk to your boyfriend and be honest with him-tell him you do not want any children yet-It's the last thing you need right now-starting a new life is financially hard and it is very expensive to raise a child-you do not need that at the start of your married life,do you not want to spend some time together knowing each other and what you can and cannot accept or afford together. think before you leap-you do not want to end up taking care of a baby your are not ready for-that is a wrong decision. what you want is just as important as what he wants-I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot he would see thing differently. good luck

Answer 5

Basically smack some sense into him - it's what I did (not literally) My spouse really wants kids....wants me pregnant by Christmas, all I can do is look and say "honey, we don't have a house, we don't have the extra funds that kids take, and we can't afford for me to be out of work for 2 months on maternity"
Your reasons may be different than mine....but you need to talk.

Everyone here is right, the first year is really hard - my anniversary is in two weeks. We love each other very much and are very happy - but I doubt we would have made it with kids in the mix.

Answer 6

Find a way to settle this BEFORE the wedding. If you two aren't in agreement on how to handle ALL major issues (children, religious beliefs, finances, life goals, expectations in the marriage) before you say "I do," the marriage is all but doomed from the start.

This issue is huge and you must find common ground on not only WHEN to have children, but HOW to raise them. How will you discipline them? What religious beliefs, if any, will they be exposed to in your home? What kind of education should they have? What kinds of activities will you do with them?

The first year of marriage is tough enough without having something like this hanging over you like the sword of Damocles. Don't get married until you find a solution with which BOTH of you are happy. I wish you well.

Answer 7

as for suggestions on preventing pregnancy go & talk to your doctor & ask them about the various alternatives - that way you will get an informed decision.
he/she should be able to give you pamphlets that you can take home & read before deciding what is going to be best for you.
keep in mind that what is best for one person may not be appropriate for someone else

also - do give your fiance some sort of time frame in which you would be prepared to start trying for a child -e.g:- say once you have been married for 12months-
the thing is you could fall pregnant almost immediately or it could take months/years; latest medical research is also suggesting that older men can have problems with viable sperm- so that is also something else for you to consider

GOOD LUCK

Answer 8

Your best bet is to consult a doctor. I've been on the pill for most of my adult life, it worked well (no pregnancies) - but there are so many various birth control options available nowadays that you can choose from. I'm not familiar with them all, the pill worked for me, and I stuck to it. Whatever you use, make sure to use condoms as well for the first few weeks.

Answer 9

Lot's of people have baby fever when they are about to be or are just married. Give him a few weeks and see if he changes his mind. Most of the feelings of wanting children immediatly will pass. But if it doesn't you need to talk with him about why you want to wait and also be open minided about why he wants children sooner rather than later. You need to be on the same page when it comes to a baby. But then again, God has a way of surprising us. You both may be surprised as to when you'll have kids.

Answer 10

Wow..Getting married and you both already want different things.. are you sure this is the one.

You know the person who you married should respect your descissions and carry the relationship as equal and not ownership.

How much to you give up in your own life and scarfice because the other person does things differently or don't agree.

It is possible to have a marriage and have someone want the same things you want.

I hope you are not settling.