How to discipline a 3 1/2 year old with a temper?

Question

I have a 3 1/2 year old son who I love dearly. However, disciplining him has become quite an issue. He has a terrible temper and when I get onto him, often says stuff like, "fine, I will just kick this wall" and he does. I have tried everything imaginable. From time outs to positive reinforcement to my last resort, spanking and nothing appears to work. It is not that he is a bad kid at all. He is just very independant and strong. I do not want to quash that, but want to nurture it into developing in a positive way and not a negative way. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Sounds like my best friend when she was a child. Not that I know how to solve it but I wouldn't do anything mentally distructive. My friend's mother burned her childhood toys and now my friend has a fear of becoming attached to anything or anyone for fear that they will leave her or become destroyed. Some people just don't realize how much damage even little acts are causing.

Have you tried hug therapy. When he throws a fit hold him in your arms and shhh him. My mother did this with my mentally retarded brother. You have to put up with being hit and sometimes bitten though. It works well and doesn't cause mental damage.

Answer 2

Our children only act out what they learn from us. My mom used to use the phrase "a child must be taught to be mean".

Spanking isn't going to work in this case, because he sees that you take your anger out in physical form, and are therefore being hypocritical to his behavior. "Mommy hits me, so I can hit the wall when I'm angry".

Under what circumstances does he do this? Perhaps assigning a small task for every time he does- picking up his toys or something, or taking away something he likes - "ok, well, if you can't behave like a good boy, we won't be going to the park/pool/your friends house, etc". Do other boys he associates with act like this? If they do, perhaps it is time to expand the playgroup. If they don't, ask him why he kicks the wall if his best friend never does. Children that age are starting to understand basic emotion concepts.

When he says he will kick the wall- why not hug him and tell him you are sorry he is angry, but whatever you said to make him that way is the rule and whatever rule mommy says goes?

A lot more is accomplished with a hug and a gentle word than with spankings. Although there are times when spanking is, I believe, very appropriate- I also think that it just teaches kids that it is ok to hit out of anger.

I hope I made some sense...

Answer 3

I'm sorry, You have to hear this, but the problem is you not him. There is no scientific evidence the suggests that your son was born with a temper. Nature versus nurture has been settled. It's your care and how you treat and react to your son that causes this behavior.

As parents, we don’t even realize the subtle things we do affect our child in so many drastic ways. The words you choose and the constant nagging and threats to your child to make him comply has created the situation you're in. You probably threaten him with punishment and then never follow through. He has your number and when you are completely frustrated, you probably resort to spanking/violence.

You lack consistency that causes your child to view you as weak. Young children like dogs need a pack leader or a strong dominant force showing them the way. Because you are lacking in this department, your child is unnaturally trying to take on this role. Be strong but never, never, never spank your child. You're teaching him physical violence is a way to solve his problems.

It's completely unnecessary. We had 4 kids in 5 years and never spanked any of them. They grew up to be strong and secure individuals.

You are the adult and you are the dominant one in your house. Let him know this by removing any of the causes of his tantrums. If he's disruptive, then remove him calmly and don't let him partake in the family dynamics. Be CONSISTENT!!!!!!!!! and always calm and don't yell, he'll get it and the changes he'll make are drastic.

Answer 4

I used to have the worst temper as a toddler until my uncle started playing games and other activities with me at the park wit other kids. It taught me that I need to get along in an environment where I wasn't always going to get my way and wore me out so I wouldnt throw a temper and kick walls when it was time for a nap.

Answer 5

find out why he is angry and talk to him and let him express himself.. sometimes its better to let him throw his fit unless he is harming himself or others.

in my child development class i learned for the younger kids the best way to express themselves is through actions sometimes they dont know how to say how they feel.. they shouldnt be punished for that..

basically i think the best thing to do is talk to him on his level and ask him what he is feeling and ask him why he is feeling that way and doing that helps the communication between the two of you and he can learn at a young age to express himself using words not actions

another big thing is if your punishing him be consistent with it and stick to it no matter what.. i had a freind who got divorced and some rules her daughter had at her house were different from daddy's house so that caused a lot of problems also let him know IF he is doing something wrong tell him why its wrong and why he is being punished when i was growing up a lot of time i didnt understand why i was in time out so i didnt know what to stop doing cause no one sat down and said this what you did this is why its wrong and this is why you are in time out. another HUGE thing i learned in my classes when talking to the child, let him know that he isnt bad and what he did was bad. something i noticed while teaching pre school is a lot of postive enforcement make 100 % difference. you notice a complete change in attitude when you encourage a child they want to know what they are doing you approve it and if what the child is doing is not good distract him take him to something else it helps a lot.. yelling and spanking doesnt do anything just scares the child and would fear you as well. the last thing you want is your child to be scared of you. it takes time just be patient

Answer 6

the best way to deal with it is to ignore it i know at some point it is almost imposible. the rule here is never ever to give in to a tantrum if u ever do it once it will only make it worse and when u dicipline him in this time he knows he is getting ur attention evern thought it is a negative one. my son is just over 2 and he knows if mommy and daddy say no it means no and there is nothing he can do about it so know he does not through any anymore cose he knows its only wast of his time and energy. good luck.

Answer 7

Do not yell and do not kick him!This is the worse thing to do.Now,because he is big enough...it will be difficult for you.My daughter has the same age,but we have rules that we respect since she was borne,so it is easier for me to handle her...Try to lock him for 5 minutes in his room,explain to him that you are not punishing him,but you want him only to calm down.Do not open the door until he is quiet,even if he makes o lot of noise!And try not to punish him!Offer him something good,only if he is a good boy!Try this positive way with patients.To my girl,it works!It is important not to give him the toy or candy you promise until he is a good boy and obey you!

Answer 8

I agree with your first answerer. We sometimes use this . We call it time in. He (at 7) is old enough to understand that i am not going to let him go until he chills, this can take awhile, i just keep trying to convince him to deep breath with me. With a 3.5 yo , it could he difficult. Just try to keep your cool, and use your " i understand your angry but it is not acceptable to....." try to help him find solutions to his anger, maybe he can channel it elsewhere, at that age often misdirection will work, interest him in something else. Good luck.

Answer 9

it is a pain because they are so damned hard headed at that age!
they say consistancy is key but who knows...all kids react diffrently to different things.
my son has a temper that comes and goes so i can sympathize...sorry i dont really have a suggestion. i am in the same spot you are.

Answer 10

wow looks like u have your hands full well if u tried everything and nothing works then i dont know what to tell u try to take him to a therapist to see if they can help or to a specialist thats all i can really think of...