How can I be a nicer person especially to my family?

Question

I have spent almost all my life being nasty to people as a defense mechanism to prevent from being hurt and also as a revenge if they have hurt me. How can I start being nicer especially to my boyfriend and son? I always feel selfish too. I am good at empathizing but also always feel like I experience something bad from whatever their problems are so I need to feel better too. I know its bad but I really dont want to be so selfish anymore and i really want to be kind. Many of these things come from being ignored when i was a kid i think. i want to grow up! i am going to get to the counselor soon but in the mean time, any suggestions? the golden rule works sometimes but i do get distracted and cant bite my tougue if someone says something i disagree with. its like i always want to be heard. sound so immature when i write it. thanks.

Answer 1

Just try to get out of the habit. It could be a great first step to let them know you would like to do better too. Stick with it keeping in mind that it will take some time to change yourself, and how others react to you.
Good work, and good luck, I'm sure you will be happier.

ps Only those with limited life experience would ever confuse a nice person with a weak person.

Answer 2

You've solved half of the problem by realizing that you want to change. That's the first big step, so you are half way there! I read once that love is a total committment to the well-being of another person. That's really something to think about. Start by being a good listener. Instead of letting other people's problems become your own or make you feel bad, think of what you can do to help them. IOW, focus on them, not your response to their problem. If there is something you disagree with you can state that in a nice way and not be confrontational. Just say, I don't share your beliefs, or I don't share your feelings. Really, you are further along in being a nice person than you think you are! Keep up the good work!

Answer 3

Always, always, always think before you speak. It's self control, you can do it. If you feel what you have to say will make someone upset or defensive, just take a deep breath, and don't say anything. Compliment your family and your boy friend when you see them. Tell your boyfriend he looks handsome today, or if your mom is cooking something, say ummm something smells really good, that type of think. Smile, be happy. When you feel a negative thought come on, push it out of the way with a positive one. You are the one who controls your mind and how you think and react, therefore you can change it when ever you want to. Simple as that. Don't use how you felt ignored as a child or afraid of being hurt as an excuse for you to be mean.

Answer 4

You're not immature. You just have a tendency that needs to be changed. I have the same tendency, I have lost it and went off on people so many times, and the consequences were more than hurting someone's feelings. I've lost a job over an argument, I've lost a girlfriend over an argument, and it was all over stupid stuff. The way I find I can be nicer to people is to just calm down and ask myself if its REALLY WORTH IT to get mad and uptight about. Yeah, I usually cool it at this point. But it's hard, just be as nice as you can, it will come with time.

Answer 5

Think about it this way. Each time you be mean to your son, he is giong to resent you for it. When you get older you will realise that your childs love is so so important. Perhaps when you feel like you may be steppiing over the line, grab a coffee, take a bit of time for yourself and that way when you have thought it through your son/boyfriend wont be around to see the bad stuff, then go and join them again. This wont work in the long term, but is certainly worth a try in the short

Answer 6

it's going to be a hard transition and you can't expect to feel natural being kind when you have been mean for so long. you will probably feel strange behaving nicely at first, but make it a habit and you will find yourself ding it naturally.
i think that maybe when you say something mean and nasty and once you come to the realization that it wasn't the bast thing to say, go to that person and say you are sorry. it will be really hard because you will be eating a lot of pride with your crow, but it will help soften your heart toward the other person. even if the fight was someone else fault, apologies for your being nasty. the first time will be the hardest and you might find yourself being nasty less.

Answer 7

I think your already on the right track!!!! You are admiting that you have a problem... try to remeber all of this when you want to get upset or treat somone rudely. You should def go to counseling and have your son go too, so he can let you know stuff you have done to hurt him.... you should sit down with your son and tell you want to know everything you have done to hurt him and let him know that he can say anything and wont' get in trouble.... maybe after you really hear how sad or upset your child is that will be enough for you be really want to change. You can do it!!! I think you already got through the hard part, you want to change and that is awesome. GOOD LUCK

Answer 8

Just because you were a victim doesn't allow you to victimize others. I suggest you get over your fears and stopping taking it out on innocent people. You are setting the wrong example for your children about life and tolerance and happiness. Being mature means staying calm and thinking before you open your mouth. In the end seeking revenge is only going to hurt you. It requires much less energy to be kind and happy then it does to be mean, bitter, and, vengeful.

Answer 9

Just mentally turn over the new leaf and start a new life. Be considerate and kind to people. Actually, mentally put yourself in other people's shoes to understand their plight. Show the love you have. At first people will be shocked and even suspicious but if you remain steadfast in your resolve to be a better person; you will become stronger with your convictions the longer you try to be a good person the better you will become and you will be a good person because you actually are a good person but you just have not been able to recognize that you are.

Answer 10

You got the perfect battle plan set up already. You know exactly what to do! Go inside yourself, dig in, find the good in you and focus on it. Don´t do anything just to please others but work on yourself and enjoy how much light you can bring into the room when you appear with a bright smile, positive attitude and a feel-well relaxation that is inspiring to everybody else. Don´t let people hurt you, don´t play their games. Ignore people like that. Rather concentrate on people you love.