Why doesn't the military take responsibility?

Question

for our soldiers after the return home from a tour in the middle East? My ex-husband was in the Army national guard when activated and deployed to Iraq for a year with three weeks notice, but after serving a year he came home and there was no mandated training on how to be reintroduced to civilization or how to interact with the common non-military person. Three months after he returned he filed for divorce stating we were two different and refused to see that there was a lack of communication. I think the military should have made it a requirement for all married couples to take some sort of therapy. Couples need to reintroduce themselves and retrain themselves on how to relate to one an other. Does anyone else agree?

I am 30. He is 36. We had been together for over 10 years actually married for 2 months before deployment. We divorced just 5 days before our second wedding anniversary. He has been in the military for 16 years he is an E-6 in the National Guard and a computer programmer for a softeware company. I am an office manager for a dental office. we have two kids and made enough money to get by with some extra at the end of the month. All of our cars were paid off and we only had a mortgage, no credit card. Money shouldn't have been a factor. When he returned he had a 3 day crach course of demobilization. That was it.

Being in the national guard here in WI. There are no bases to help you out either.
For the better half of 16 years in the guard he never though of being deployed Overseas for a year. The national guard was all about being stateside in case of emergencies. That was all he was trained to do.

Answer 1

I'm sorry this is happening to you. However, the military DOES have programs for this. When my hubby returned from Iraq, he went through about a week of classes. One full day of that, I had to attend as well. It was basically "mandatory" that spouses attend. They even provided free childcare at the counseling location. It was a very good program too. I'm positive it helped some of those returning who might have had problems adjusting.

I realize you're already divorced, but maybe you can get him to talk to someone. I don't know if he or you has moved on. If not, it might not be too late. Go talk to the chaplain of his NG unit to find out what's available to him as far as counseling. Some of the problem might be that nothing is available in that area. I do know that many of the Reserve and NG units are now being counseled at the post they process out from. It's being done here.

Be strong and know this wasn't your fault. War/combat changes people. He probably didn't understand these changes or know how to deal with them. You might want to seek counseling alone to learn how to talk to him and deal with some of what he's gone through even though you're divorced.

Good luck.

Answer 2

The military has all sorts of programs for reintegrating military people back into the larger civilian society. Depends on the branch of the service. Don't know about the National Guard. In any case, there are two primary factors involved here. When your husband was soldiering, you had to be both the mommy and the daddy (if there were kids involved). Women have great difficulty doing the "just Mommy" part when Daddy comes back. Daddy finds it difficult resuming his proper role. Mommy also resents Daddy being gone for so long and sometimes just goes ahead on being the Daddy just to spite him. On Daddy's part, he had fun being a soldier, being with the guys and playing with firearms and explosives and big killing machines. He comes home and what's he faced with? Often it ain't a pretty picture. While Mommy's been at home and nothing much has changed, Daddy has changed big time. Especially if he saw combat and death. Lack of communication on his part is normal. I'm guessing that the lines of communication broke down during his deployment. Letters from home every week or two just don't cut it. They need to come every day or every other day for these guys. That's were the communication can collapse. Not after he comes home. It's too late then. There's nothing worse than being in a unit and after mail call have to walk back to the rack empty-handed while your buddies all have mail from home. Once again he didn't get a letter. That really eats at a guy. And he starts thinking all kind of thoughts. You might be living like a nun, but he thinks you've turned into Paris Hilton. I always advise that the spouse at home write as much as possible, send packages at least once a week. Lots of pics. Homemade cookies and so forth. Then when he comes home, drop everything for at least a week and go somewhere and relax. No interrogation on your part. Just let him gradually decompress. Ease his way back.

Answer 3

I agree that we should offer a good deal of assistance (financial and otherwise) to our military men and women, especially those coming home from serving in war zones. However, there is no recipe for assimilating back into society that will be appropriate for all. Counseling should be provided, as needed.

The line needs to be drawn as to what is covered under the law. Some differences between people may have been there long before any other circumstances came into play.

Answer 4

I served 22 years in the navy. It was my observation overseas tours tended to make marriages that were already good get better and ones that were in trouble to start with get worse. Counseling was always available from the base's Family Services Center.

I hesitate to comment more without knowing your age, you husband's age, how long you were married, how many children you have, his rank, your family income before and during deployment and how much debt you had before he deployed.

The navy marriages I saw end were usually over money or general immaturity of the couple. A couple in their early 20's trying to live the lifestyle of their parents, raise a kid or two and deal with a deployment on an E-3's pay is a disaster waiting to happen.

Answer 5

They do offer marriage counseling when soldiers return. It isn't required, but it is offered. My wife spent a year over in Iraq also and the FRG for her unti made sure we all had the information as to what was available. Also, the Army recommends that soldiers refrain from divorce or any other "major" decisions for at least a year after they return.

Answer 6

the military does offer counseling and re-integration therapy for soldiers returning from Iraq. You can contact Army Community Service and they assist you. Married Couples therapy isn't something that is mandatory. Couples can volunteer to attend counseling sessions. They are offered as well. Not all soldiers that deploy to Iraq change drastically. Sometimes the wives are the ones that change.

Answer 7

First off I disagree with you on blaming the military. The military does everything they can to help a family these days.

Didn't your husband Volunteer? I believe so. He knew that he might be called into active duty before he voluteered so basically he is responsible for his actions as an adult.... not the military.

Seems to me that there are other factors involved that you haven't mentioned which may be some of your fault. Have you ever thought of that? Your convinced that everything is the military's fault..... I'm not.

Answer 8

But that is the National Guard. they aren't really main people. My husband is a MARINE and has been once already and will be going back again in Feb. The Marine Corps has mandatory counseling for the Marines when they come back from deployments. SO next time check your facts.

Answer 9

I am on active duty and a combat vet of OEF5. When my unit reutrn there was a mandated reintagration classes that we attended for 30 days which included everything and more that you are asking about. The National Gaurd may be different, but it was my assumption that the military did offer it to everyone who came home. I would contact the VA or DoD and ask them what they mandate and where to get the help you need. I feel for you with everything you are going through.

Answer 10

I hate to sound mean but you are trying your hardest to blame your divorce on someone other than the two people involved, you and your husband. Communication problems do not just pop up just because he went off to war. There were communication problems, in my opinion, before the war, they just were magnified when he got back. One of the problems is yes he was a different person when he came back than when he left but if you wanted therapy you should have found it on your own. The military is not responsible for their soldiers' personal life.