So today I have decided to reveal my soul to you, will you answer my question?

Question

I am hestitant to ask a such a question as this, because it could mean being honest with myself, and setting myself up for ridicule, but I have chosen to do so, and accept what the consequences may be.
As a child growing up I was conditioned to survive through dysfunction, drama, and the pain that is created from that. It was through this pain that I was able to experience myself. Now as an adult I tend to create drama around me, because I justify it as a means of success. You see if there is nothing to overcome then how do you know what you have accomplished. I always thought that conflict was something I had to have in order to value myself, or measure my self worth. I keep one foot in one world and the other foot in the next. Should I stay should I go? Afraid to take a step foward, backwards, and just to take a step. I have chosen a profession of healing(massage therapy) and I am very capable of healing others, but I cannot heal myself. I know the answers are within, but I do not

know how to go within, unless there is conflict pushing me to do so. Does anyone feel this way, or do you have any suggestions. I know I am you, and you are me. And Im sure most would have to say they feel the same, or at least one point in their did. I wish you well

Since most of you jumped to me being depressed or clinically not stable, let me clarify what I am saying. When I say one foot in one world, and another in the next. It is not that I am contemplating suicide. IT is that literally in life I do this. I always have a plan b. In relationsiips, careers, friendships you name it. And I live in two worlds with my spirit split apart.

Answer 1

Solitude

If I found my way through the waters
I would only lose my way in the woods.
If I sought a light in the darkness
I would only be blinded.
If I wore my heart on my sleeve
It would only end up broken.
And if I listened to the voices in my head
I would find that I am not alone in my confusion.
I am not alone in my consciousness
but I am alone in this world
and it does not scare me.
What scares me is that this lonliness
is the result
of constantly being surrounded by others
of the flesh
and very few of them possess the spirit
bright enough
to light
the
way...

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the Empath, part III

I hide myself from the light of the day
as I have done almost all of my life.
Within this light my senses always fail
and I am stripped completely defenseless.
It burns my eyes, forcing blindness to that which should be obvious;
It stops my ears, so that I cannot hear that which should be heard;
It numbs my skin, until I cannot even feel my clothes against my skin;
It plugs my nose, making even the strongest scents indeterminable;
It dries my tongue, rendering every taste dull and bland;
It fogs my mind, completely shutting off any mental link to the outside world.
So I sit on the edges of the light, surrounded by darkness.
It is a lonely solitude, but with its own rewards, for now I miss nothing, except love.


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I wrote both of these at times when I felt how you're feeling now, so, yeah, they ARE a little dark and hopeless-sounding, but I use them as reminders of what happens when you let this take you over . You can use them, too, if it helps. Just remember that only you can really answer this question for yourself.

Answer 2

What a wonderful testimony.Rest assured most Christians are living their lives just this way and feeling miserable.For so long my wife and I lived this way and we were so miserable.Our marriage was a joke although we did love one another,our children were not interested in converting,they could see we wasn't very happy as Christians.Yet we wanted to be.Jesus tells us no man can serve two masters ;Matt.6:24.My wife and I finally split up,but that just made us more miserable,which was good.You sound a little miserable yourself.But the nice thing about all this is, "For godly sorrow worketh repentence to SALVATION (not to be repented of) ; but the sorrow of the world worketh death." 1 Cor.7:10.What I understand here is it's good to be feeing the way you do,you got a blessing coming Sister and it's knocking at the door.All you got to say is Lord save me from the life I have been living and bring me into your abundant life.Praise the Lord.He just makes things so simple we can't hardly believe it.Seeing what your seeing here is 99% of the battle,most chose to remain in this darkness,,just read past that old favorite scripture John 3:16 and you'll know what I mean.God is going to bless you so keep doing what your doing.One last coment please.When you hear that voice that says" you don't want to do this,what will people think?" DO IT ,because that's that old serpent talking.Your in my prayers

ps.My wife and I are living happy now and everyone of our 8 children are turning their lifes over to God.

Answer 3

You already took the first step in realizing that un-necessary drama is of your own making. You have already taken the second step in becoming aware of WHY you do this. You have scratched the surface of WHY but much more lies beneath, the DEEP WHY. The deep reasons are the painful ones. It is kind of like dismantling our personality and reassembling it as we would want it. Not an easy task.

A few suggestions some of the people offered are good in that process. A massage for you. I cry a lot during my massages. Also if you can find a kind counselor just to bounce ideas off of. Sometimes when we say the problem out loud it puts a different slant on things.

It's a process and sometimes a long one. Always a difficult one. BUT you want to improve your life and so you will...

Answer 4

I think most of us have felt this way at one time or another. We've all had pain and drama, and it is human nature to believe that ours was worse than anyone else's.

It sounds to me like you recognize the problem, and that is the first step towards healing.

If you are a believer (in a deity of some sort, it doesn't matter who), then faith may help you find the answers you seek. If not, you can talk to a therapist. Going to a counselor doesn't mean that something is wrong with you, it just means that you need someone to talk to. A good counselor acts a sounding board, and is not judgmental.

I also suggest meditation to help you get in touch with yourself. It is very easy to learn and can be used in conjunction with other methods.

Answer 5

Is good that, you know that there is, this world and an other world.
God love you, and gives you the power, to go throw all pains in your life.
Think you are not alone,you have a Father in Heaven say'Father i am your child too ", go to the church,chatolic(here you will understand easy the relation with God),stay,one minute,than 3..4...5how many your soul needs now.You will feel,joy,peace,believe in yourself,love and power to live in an injustice world. You can't change your past ,is good to forgive all mens,do peace in your soul with them.
Every day, is a prezent and an step for your future,be attention at it.Every day is given by God to us,such as a white page,we can begin a new good life in every day,must believe that and do it.First believe in God and in your self,your constience will know when you have choice good or wrong,listen to it .

Answer 6

First and foremost a strong belief in God not just that he exist but a sincere understanding of who and what he can do for you because he loves you so very much. having said that many people are counselled to go by their feelings too much, yes feelings are important but there are not all important. Your mind
(intellect) and your will govern or control your feelings, if not your feelings begin to control you and you become like a run away train, out of control. People that go merely by their feelings are up and down like yo-yos which effect you and everyone around you. Form your conscience to the truth of God so that your decisions or judgements are right which is an act of the practical will, this will help you in controlling your feelings so that you are in control.

Answer 7

I can give you a list of millions of highly successful people trapped the same way, some of whom have spent millions on psychiatric therapy, like Woody Allen, for example. He's been seeing a shrink since the 1950s, but it hasn't stopped him from becoming very high up in a very difficult profession.

So long as you aren't mannic, don't contemplate suicide or turn to drugs you can probably survive as is forever.

As to healing yourself, that's probably up to you.

Functioning safely, no matter how dysfunctional, is sufficient and probalby "normal."

My view of insanity and psychosis is how good our brick walls are. The moment the mortar starts to crumble to the point where water seeps in we are in trouble. Insand people are floating in an ocean of water with no life jacket.

So long as your walls are in good shape you function.

You probably built up a good set of walls since childhood!

Answer 8

I would say one way to look at it would be to become more aware of when such behaviors are occuring, so you can conciously stop behaving in such a way.

I would also suggest the book The Celestine Prophecy. its not based 100% on a true story, but more of.. using a fictional dramatazation as a means of portraying a path. it might be helpful.

Answer 9

There is book you can order on PaulaWhite.org
It's called "Love is a Choice"--it talks about how when we grow up in chaos and insecurity we seek that later on in life. That if things are going right we don't know how to handle it because we become codependent to the chaos. The book helps us control what once controlled us. I hope it can help you. She also has a new book called, "Blue Jeans" that also might be helpful to you. I will pray for you that the Lord will show you that you are beautifully and wonderfully made and that you are his special creation--be blessed.

Answer 10

At least you´re honest with youself. That guarantees healing in time. The first step is recognizing the causes. I can´t relate though, because I have no such feelings. But Congrats, you´ll make it. No doubt.