My 11 yr swears at me and also spits at me, what can I do?

Question

He calls me a prostitute and tells me to go and live back on the streets, he tries to kick me and he also spits at me.

Answer 1

slap him

Answer 2

You poor thing! Where has he got the impression from that you are/were a prostitute? Someone somewhere has told him that - I don't think that an 11 year old would know what a prostitute is unless someone had told them. He kicks and spits at you because he believes this prostitute story and has therefore lost all respect for you.

You need to get to the bottom of where he learned this from. If, for example, it is an ex-partner who has told him this perhaps because he has got an axe to grind with you, you need to find them and get them to retract what they have said with your son. If you state it to him, he won't believe you but if the person who gave him the impression tells him, he is more likely to believe them.

Not wishing to cast aspersions on you or anything so please do not take offence, none is intended, but have you had a few partners in succession who have been part of your lives and then gone? I am not being offensive but in his mind maybe he feels insecure and in turmoil about that. Perhaps other kids have noticed this and are teasing him about it. Could you ask at the school whether they know if he is being bullied? Kids are cruel and once they find a weak spot, they exploit it. Maybe they have picked up on your son's insecurity, are teasing him which is making him lash out at you.

Is his dad in his life or is there another male family member who could perhaps speak with him to find out the source of his anger and then tell you? Only then can you do anything about it.

There are organisations like Parentline that can help give advice to you about how to cope. Why not give them a try?

Answer 3

What has happened in your family to make him act this way? If you are a single mum and had lots of boyfriends he may be venting his anger at you for this reason. Do you have a partner that he does not like? Your son has lost respect for you for some reason and only you can pinpoint it down to what that reason is. Anger in a child is a sad thing but it's not there for no reason. Something has happened to bring this on.

Have you tried talking to your son to see why he calls you names, uses violence against you and swears? Shouting back will do nothing for him and smacking will have an adverse effect. As he grows older he will keep lashing out at you everytime he is angry with you. At the moment he's 11 years old but when he's 15/16 it will be like being lashed out at by an adult.

Write him a note and leave it in his bedroom. Ask all the questions that you need to ask of why he's doing what he's doing. Pour your heart out in this note and tell him how much it hurts and upsets you when he calls you names. He may rip up the first note but you have to do it again and leave it in his bedroom again.

At the moment you may feel that you are loosing your son but it will repair itself. You have to work on this and even though it may be an easir option to walk away or to call in an outside party - Don't do it.

You must do the fact finding to see why an 11 year old holds so much anger.

Good luck

Answer 4

I would agree with Jennifer J's advice ... but would also ask what kind of parent you are ..... are you actually afraid of your son? ..... as a teacher, my experience has been that he has found an angle on you that hits a sore spot, but is an angle he can use on you to get to tow his line, because you are vulnerable to it, will respond in a guilty and submissive way, will apologise constantly for having been through it ..... take his power away - tell him and make your actions support this .... that no matter what he says or does, it doesn't change the fact that his behaviour makes him no better than whatever it is he is alleging and trying to make you responsible and pay for..... regardless of what his point may be you must decide whether this is acceptable or not and act - in a very focussed and subjective manner - he is allowed to have his opinions - but he is not allowed, by either you or the law, the make you the recipient of all his anger and outrage to that opinion ..... he must take responsibility for what he says and does ......

Answer 5

Whatever has led him to behave this way? Ususally children learn from example and a role model, usually a parent. I'm not by ANY MEANS saying that this means that you are foul mouthed and anti social, but who are the other people that he spends time around? especially the men?

Somebody has taught him that this is the way a woman is to be treated. Maybe people speak this way when you arn't around. If i were you I would investigate this mystery and look very closely at who he spends time with! It is possible that they have been bad-mouthign you in front of him. If he is witnessing this kind of thing from others it is not surpising that he behaves this way himself.

I have caught my son swearing after watching movies sneakily that I banned from his collection, things like this can have an effect on an impressionable mind but nowhere near as much as a real life male role model will upon a boy.

Do you have a partner or husband? how does he treat you? how do you react? Look at the situations around you and attempt to amend them or at least make sure that your son doesn't see any of this inappropriate behaviour.

You can turn this around but by example and refusal to accept the way he behaves. he has to learn that treating people this way is unacceptable and never right, He can only do this if the people he looks up to are re- enforcing it.

S
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Answer 6

depends on how much you are really wanting this to stop. tough love comes into play so you can either call the police and have him arrested, take all privileges away and don't bribe either. refuse to buy birthday/Christmas and stick to it. stand up to him and DO NOT back down. somewhere in your parenting you lost control you have to fight to get it back. seek family counseling and have dad be involved as well (if he is in the picture of course).

If this is a fairly new situation has something drastic happened that would warrant this behavior?
Does he act this way at school?
If there isn't a good reason for this except that he is just showing a disrespectful mean streak then go to the extremes if you have to but you have to stick with it because he Will try hard to fight against you.

Answer 7

Melissa....first off, how long has he been allowed to do this? Second, WHY is he allowed to do this? Are you and his dad going through a separation or divorce? Are you having another baby? Are you dating someone that he may feel is taking away your time from him? Are you moving to remote destination, away from any and/or all civilization, and oh of course, an EBGames or a Blockbuster? I hope that at least one of these things are in play because then one can say, ' oh well there is your problem, he's acting out his frustrations because of ...this or that.' But if none of these things are in play, you have a situation where tough love needs to become a mainstay in your house. If he has anything remotely related to fun in his room-take it out. If he has friends coming over or calling him- stop them. If he has any after school activities, anything he likes to do that isn't school related- stop them. Is there some type of boys group home near where you live? If there is, call and find out their policy on visits, you know, something like 'scared straight'. If there is,set something up and wait until he does something like what you described again and you pretend to ignore it, you wait a while and then you say you're going out, so let's go. You get up, grab you purse and keys and head out the door. All the while acting normally of course. While he's thinking you two are going to 'Wally World' or something, you know you're headed for the group home. You may even call them to give them a heads up that you're coming. When after a while he asks you where you're going, say you're going to visit someone........I think you get the idea from here. The thing is to get him to stop doing what he's doing, give you the respect you deserve, let him know that behavior is no longer tolerated, and to let him know that if he doesn't this is what's going happen and that you mean business. I know it works because I did it to my son, only difference is, I put a change of clothes and some essentials in his backpack and said let's ride. He was okay until he saw the sign for The Patrick Henry Boys Home here in Virginia. He started bawling like a baby and apologizing, ann begging me to take him back home. I still took him inside and I had it set to make it look like I was really leaving him, signed some papers and saw his'room' and everything. He didn't care who saw him crying, a big 13 year old boy standing in the middle of the hall with snot running! He just wanted to go home! Since then he's been an Honor Roll Student and graduated this past June and has joined the Navy. Yeah he's done some dumb things to try my patience but he remembers the home and will tell his younger cousins about it. I hope this helped, Good Luck!!!

Answer 8

The words CLOUT, EARHOLE, HEFTY, ROUND and THE all spring to mind, then lock the bastard up in an escape proof room until such time as he apologises. Keep him without food except dry bread and water until you get one.
Tell the neighbours first that he's going to be on some special medication for the next few days and that this may cause him to kick up a lot of fuss, but tell them to ignore it - it'll all be down to the "medication". He's like this through lack of discipline from YOU, so now's your chance to make amends! I mean, AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD DOING THAT TO YOU??? NO WAY !

Answer 9

If you are from the UK, I would suggest contacting The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Joking aside, your son should not be treating you like this, it is disgraceful. Introduce strict discipline, and don't just threaten him with discipline, make sure you follow through. Punish him by taking away his Play Station (for example) and make it clear that he will only get privileges if he behaves in an appropriate manner.

His behaviour may hide some underlying issues though - maybe contact a family counsellor or something? He could be acting out as a way of hiding how he really feels.

I wish you all the best with this - as a parent, you should definitely not have to put up with this kind of behaviour.

(and ignore any people who tell you to smack him, that's just lowering yourself to his level)

Answer 10

This must be really awful for you. I have a 10 year old boy that was going through a similar stage. What we did was to praise EVERY little thing that was good. Also we learnt how to recognise when he was going to "go off on one" and totally destract him before he kicked off. It has taken some time but we have definately got a different little boy, We tell him how proud we are of him and give him lots of cuddles etc. Good Luck!

Answer 11

Im sorry to hear u have such a problem personally i would try and teach him respect
He has to learn that unless u respect people u get nowwhere in life
First of all i would sit him down and talk to him then tell him that unless his attitude changes u will have no choice but to confiscate things from his room .. start with his xbox/ playstation .. then his tv .. do not give him anything back untill his attitude changes .. if he continues to be disrespectful confiscate more things .. and do not give him any money
He will have to learn the hard way im afraid