Destination wedding in the plans.....arguments daily. How do I fix this?

Question

Alright. We're planning on having a wedding next spring in the Caribbean, and we both plan to have guests. Her parents are paying for the wedding-- nice, I know. The problem is that she plans to have only 5 family members there and a friend or two, while I have a large, close family and plan to have around 25. She's not happy about this because she feels that she'll be overshadowed by my family and that I'll ignore her during the 4-day "event". I guaranteed her that I would be there for her the whole time, but she seems to think that I'll make it all about myself and go off drinking with friends. I said I wouldn't. She responded by saying "okay, let's just do it alone then-- with no friends or family at all." Is she just testing me, or is she really that worried that I'll find a way to ruin our day? Could it really be that she's resentful that I plan to have more people, when it's on her parent's dime??

Her parents gave equal money to all three of their daughters. My fiance was the one who wanted the destination wedding. The guests are paying for their own travel and lodging, so the only 'extra' cost her parents will be paying per guest will be the reception dinner. I told her that if THAT was the issue, I would pay it myself. She refused. Having offered to cover the "extra" for my longer guest list, and her refusal, what else could the issue be??

I have 6 siblings. All our married and all have children. With just my siblings, their spouses and my parents, I'm already at 14. Grandparents make it 18. Who am I supposed to tell to stay home?

Answer 1

Why should her parents have to foot the bill since your family will be the ones creating most of the bill? I suggest you pare your guest list down to the same size as her's, or YOU pay to have your guests there.

Answer 2

Sounds like quite a problem. I had a kinda similar situation. I was the bride with many more close family members than my husband. (Our wedding was teeny-tiny, but my family was over 75% of the total guest count.)

It wasn't that I invited "extra" people; I just still have all four grandparents living, and he only had one. (I did have an uncle and a cousin there, but I wasn't the one who invited them, looong story.)

Your situation (5 vs 25) is defintely much more drastic than my situation. My best advice would be to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife about her feelings. Remember, even though she says something that sounds hurtful at first, they are just feelings, not facts. (Girls change their mind about feelings almost as often as they change their clothes, lol.)

In this heart-to-heart, discuss why she is upset about you bringing that many family members. It sounds like you mentioned she was worried you'd ignore her and party with your friends the whole time. Is she just worried about being ignored on her wedding day, or is there a much deeper issue, like she resents you having drinking buddies.

Just listen at first, and allow her to vent her feelings and find what is really bothering her. Bite your tongue, and don't say anything for 10 min, 30 min, an hour, if you must!

(Take a 5 min break if you two need to cool off.) Then try to come up with a compromise. _This_ is what marriage is all about!!! If she wants it small (5-10 people) then you've got to start thinking about who is going and who is staying. Maybe she could invite some more family and friends, to make you numbers more equal.

You can always have a small wedding and huge blow-out reception when you get home. (This way, everyone feels included!)

Balancing the money issue is another whole, huge issue on it's own, and you need to talk about this before making final plans. She may feel that her parents can afford a destination wedding to the Caribbean if she only brings 5 people, and may feel that even 25 close family members will break the bank.

A wedding doesn't have to be expensive to be absolutely wonderful. And besides, it should be the marriage that is the goal, not the wedding. (It's a fact that couples who spend less on weddings are happier and stay together more than couples who plan extravegant weddings.)

Please take my answer to heart, and know that I wish you and your wife-to-be the very best! May you two find your balance and complete each other. :) Happy Honeymooning too!

Answer 3

You have stated that you wanted to exclude certain family and friends from your wedding. I think you chose a place that would be too expensive for your family. You say you gave them a year and that is a good time but people may not be able to save a lot of money even in a year. I do not think that you have been considerate and that you do not really want your family to be there. What your sister did and how they reacted has nothing to do with this. Times have change a lot in the past few years. saying this makes you sound petty and spiteful and self important. If you made these plans you were not really considering them so why are you upset that they are upset. If they cannot pay they will not be there and so what, That was your attitude when you made these plans so why complain now This is sort of a you made your bed situation

Answer 4

If she really does have a problem with you inviting more people, then just make it an event with both sets of parents. That way it will only be the 6 of you for the 4 day long event...no one will have hurt feelings and no one will feel favored over another. Then, once you get home, you can have a small "reception" dinner to celebrate with everyone else who wasn't invited...that will show her that you are, at least, trying to compromise on the guest list. Suggest that she invite more of her friends to the dinner so she can celebrate with them too.

Answer 5

Offer a compromise, you find a similar number of family members on your side to attend and then have a larger group at a less formal reception when you return from the wedding/honeymoon.

If money is the issue, and it might well be considering the size of the herd you are proposing bringing, then you need to be sensitive to that and deal with it.

From your comments I'm getting the impression that you like your large, close family and friends better than your future spouse. Maybe it would be a good idea for you two to go off by yourselves and get married.

Answer 6

Your fiance is being unreasonable. She cannot expect you to cut out your immediate family. I would have been devestated if my SIL told my brother not to invite me to his wedding. You can't cut out your grandparents, parents, or sibilings and she should know this. My suggestion to her is to grow up, it's a common misconception, that as the bride it's "Your Day". That's not accurate, weddings are about bringing two families together to celebrate the marriage of two individuals. There is a difference between a wedding and a marriage and most people don't remember that. The bride and groom should make most of the decisions but there are other people involved especially if the bride and groom are spending someone else's money. However, you covered the money issued by offering to pay for the extra guests. She is definitely in the wrong on this one; and being extremely selfish and self-centered.

Answer 7

You need to discuss it with her. If she seems adamant and does not understand, try an event w/o family and friends at Caribbean and throw a reception yourself when you are back for all the family and friends on your side and her side. A small lunch party, a casual dinner party or anything. hope that works. But first you can try telling her that you wanted all your siblings and grandparents and parents to see how you both look like at the wedding and how wonderful the event was. If she doesn't, then you may devise an alternative plan.

Answer 8

shes being sarcastic. ill be the one to admitt that we women say STUPID things when we're mad. she doesnt mean it- of course she wants people there. she might be mad because its HER parents that are paying for a wedding with mostly your guest. what i would do, is try and find out who her old friends from high school or college were and ask her to invite them. maybe even from work...find people to sort of even out the balance so shes not feeling overshadowed with your family. assure her that you wouldnt do something stupid like go off and drink with your friends, especially on YOUR GUYS' WEDDING DAY. its not like is just a night out, this is both of your special day! let her know that there is NO WAY u would ignore her! u guys are celebrating the rest of your lives TOGETHER! if she is serious about having the wedding alone (which i doubt) then tell her that the day wouldnt be as special if you werent celebrating it with other ones you love. how can u guys not invite the people that have been there since you were born! just wait for her to cool off, and approach it as sweet and kindly as possible. good luck, and congrats!

another idea is just to take the immediate family, and then have the big reception party back at home where u can invite EVERYONE. (a good compromise!)

Answer 9

I think that she is just a bit nervous that it will look bad on her family because not a lot of them will be there. However just remind her that it is the special day for both of you and all of the attention is going to be on her as she is the bride. Both will be together and be busy welcoming everyone and making sure that they are happy and having a good time. She will not be over-shadowed. Its her wedding she will not be ignored if anything she is going to be the centre of attention.

Also she is just being a normal bride and having wedding worries, and maybe she is voicing the opinion of her parents. It might be an idea if the both of you have both sets of parents over for a meal or take them out of dinner and discuss events

Answer 10

I'll tell you exactly what's going on...

You fiance wants the wedding to be all about the 2 of you. She doesn't want/need to have any distractions. She knows for 4 days she'll be focused 100% on you. Now she wants the same from you. She's afraid that having all your family and friends there you'll be more concerned with being with them and their entertainment than her. Now I'm guessing this is not the first time she's felt like this. Those times, she was able to accept feeling like the third wheel, but refuses to feel like that on her wedding day.

I know this because it's exactly what happened with me and my husband. We had a destination wedding and had about 30 odd people there, most of them his buddies. Although everyone had a wonderful time, most of the time I felt I barely saw my husband and that I was more of an afterthought. He spent most of the time drinking with his buddies that he doesn't get to see all that often. Even showing up totally hungover for the wedding. I accepted this because I know him.

Before the wedding, we would argue about this and he would promise over and over again that it wouldn't happen. I knew it would and finally said to myself either accept that it's going to happen or not get married. So we got married and he did exactly what he promised he wouldn't do. In his defense he really believed that he wouldn't do it, but his buddies weren't going to take no for an answer. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed myself, but it was more like going on vacation with 30 friends/family than being at my wedding.

You need to understand that she may not be willing to make the same choice I did. As a result, you'll have to make a decision. Are there people on your list that your fiance views as being potential distractions? If so, you'll have to decide how important is it for them to be there? If that's not possible, maybe it you'll have to decide that it should be just the 2 of you and you can have a reception/party for your family/friends when you return. You need to do something to prove to your fiance that the destination wedding is 100% about her and obviously telling her is not working.

Answer 11

Wow, with all your additional information--you are right even if you cut it down to 18, you can't get any lower than that.

I say, do away with the whole destination thing. It's not worth the aggravation.

Or elope just the 2 of you & have a party when you get back.

I know "in the old country" weddings used to be four days, but there is no reason, that both of your families should be on your honeymoon.