Difficult In-laws!?

Question

Recently my son brought his last report card home to say the least it he didn’t perform as well as we know he can. The girls have done a great job thus far. The in laws promised to take the girls out to celebrate. When they learned that our son wasn't going, they totally flipped the script, said we were punishing him, they behaved like my 4 year old would when she can’t get her way, etc. and decided not to take the girls. This isn't the first incident my husband and I have had with his parents regarding the kids. My husband and I have sat them down numerous times regarding the kids, and they need to respect our decision as the parents. We feel like we constantly have to explain ourselves as to why we do this or that because they feel we are keeping the kids away from them, etc. This last incident was the last straw; a person can only take so much. I've decided not to deal with them at all. Like for example, when they call I refuse to answer the phone at all. My husband is soon to be traveling a lot on business, and I refuse to deal with them. Especially if we have plans or if they kids haven't done what is expected of them. I refuse to go through that non-sense again with them. Right now, this method is a quick fix but I know I can't do this forever.

With that said, what is the best way to deal with people like this? This week end my husband was a way and the kids wanted to speak with them. I knew I'll have to deal with them but just refuse to. Honestly, I'm having a difficult time dealing with their behavior this past week end and if I had it my way I wouldn't ever deal with them EVER. It has definitely gotten out of hand!

YES my husband has talked to them with and without me!

I have no intentions on making the kids suffer because I disagree with my inlaws, their behavior. My kids love them every much! What is the best solution for this type of situation? Remember, I rather not deal with them at all!

Answer 1

Sigh. I don't suppose moving across country is an option? No? Darn.

Well, it sounds like you and your husband have done your best to reason with your in-laws and it just isn't working. They aren't respecting your responsibility and authority as parents, and they're behaving rudely.

The business about saying that you were punishing your son by not allowing him to go out and celebrate was just plain silly. Of course you were punishing him! People have all sorts of different ideas about discipline and punishment, of course, but short of outright abuse, in general it isn't a good idea to try to subvert parental authority.

I think your not dealing with them is a good strategy, at least for the short term. Get caller ID and don't answer if they call. If they come over on some pretext about your not answering the phone so they were worried, smile politely, say you're all fine and so sorry, it just isn't a good time to chat. "Oh, gosh, it's been so busy with (name of husband) gone! Gotta go! Bye!" Slam. (Or whatever version of this you're comfortable with.) Let things blow over for awhile, give yourself a break, and let the grandparents see that their actions have consequences: if they don't respect your rules and your authority, play time with the kiddos gets curtailed. After all, your first priority is doing a good job raising your kids.

Over the long term, it may be difficult to avoid dealing with them, and in fact not dealing with them might not be great for your kids. So - trying to ignore the fact that they're people who you're related to by marriage - how would you deal with anyone else who behaved in a rude, immature fashion? Getting politely icy and distant? Being forthright and blunt? Would you feel comfortable doing that with them?

One other thought - see a counselor. Not because there's a problem with you or your husband, but because counselors see all kinds of whacked out family situations, and may have some concrete ideas for dealing with these adult children known as your in-laws. Counselors can also help you work through saying or doing things that you're uncomfortable with. Or help you get comfortable with the fact that you really don't owe your in-laws an explanation for why you do certain things. (You tried to give them one to be polite, but since they can't be polite back, to heck with it.)

Oh. And if all else fails? Move. It's worked for me!

Best of luck!

Answer 2

The problem you have when you will not have anything to do with your in-laws is you are punishing your kids. Your children need the love and care of grandparents. I can understand the reasoning the grandparents had when they decided not to take the girls. I'm sure they didn't want your son to feel left out. I'm not saying they were correct in that decision, but I understand it. They do need to respect both of you as parents while still being doting grandparents. Talking to them apparently does not work. It may be that in the future when an event happens such as the report card incident you could let the grandparents know in advance that if one or more of the kids do not do the best of their ability and they choose not to take any of the kids because one can't go then that is THEIR decision and you will accept it. Bottom line: they will spend less time with the kids. When they realize this is happening they may begin to shape up.

Answer 3

some people can flip the script on here and make you feel like the bad person Don't listen to them, they are just losers in life who only talk to people on the internet. What you should think is the welfare of the children, and have your priorities straight. Do the children really need negative grandparents? That won't help them in life. I grew up with one Grandfather and he lived in Indiana, I grew up fine. You tell them you raise your children, we will raise ours the way that we intend to, just because one of the children got a less than perfect score shouldn't mean they are less than perfect in their hearts. Tell them that you are helping your children the best way you can. They are always number one in your hearts and nothing is going to change that, even if they got a E instead of an A. They are still people with feelings, and with the grandparents reacting in a negative way that shows the children they can't trust well. The girls were promised to go out, and something so little happens and everything changes. Stick to your guns about how you will raise your children, Watch the movie Monster in law and see what jennifer lopez says at the end about when she has children, Advice will only be taken when asked for.

Answer 4

girlfriend I so hear you. I have a difficult time speaking to my in laws due to a constant rise in voices. I decided to write my mother in law a letter, personal and addressed to her. She let my father in law and both brother in laws read the letter and left my husband to defend me!! I will answer the phone if she calls but my end of the conversation is business. I will let my girls 4&6 call them or my husband can take them over there but I refuse to go to their house. They will have to come here for both birthdays but this is my house and I run it!! I tried to tell my inlaws that these are my kids I will raise them as I see fit I only clue you in to what is going on because you are their grandparents and therefore a part of their lives. Are you SURE we can't do this forever??

Answer 5

So they think it's NOT okay for you, the parent, to punish your son, but they think it's okay for them to punish the girls by not taking them out? Tell them they don't make a lot of sense. Also tell them while you appreciate their help and concern, you have to be the one to set the rules for your children and if they can't respect that then they can opt not to see the children.

It's tough, I know. I can't stand my in-laws. Their other son & daughter in law are their favorites over me & my hubby. And they show favoritism to the other kids and ignore mine. My hubby had to lay down the law a few days ago. If their behavior is going to harm my kids, then they won't be a part of my children's life. It's sad, but it's the parents job to protect the child, not to accomodate the in-laws.

Answer 6

Why not, you can do it for as long as your in-laws get the message that they are your kids and you raise them how you see fit. And if they cant respect you then they dont need to be around you causing you unecessary stress. You shouldnt have to go through this. So until they are ready to talk and respect your wishes, then you do what you have to do. Good Luck to you.

Answer 7

Who's in charge? They had their chance to be the parents and make all the decisions--now it's your turn. I wish I had more time to discuss this with you but I am feeling your pain, trust me. Tell your in laws once: We are the parents and we make the rules. If you feel like acting up every time you don't agree with our choices, then tough. Let them know that every time they get involved with your parenting, it undermines everything you try to enforce with your kids. They seem like control freaks but let them act like fools..because you are the ones that make the final decision. They'll eventually get it one day. Lots of luck to you!

Answer 8

GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!!! you go. my mother in-law is the same way so we put our foot down & told her it is our way or you dont get to see our son. he is 14 months old well he will be tomorrow LOL. but yeah i think what you are doing is smart let them know if they dont listen they wont have any contact what so ever. GOOD LUCK. God Bless

Answer 9

Try having your husband explain to them. He is their child and needs to be the one to state the rules. Good luck

Answer 10

they probably don't want your views on parenting to affect their relationship with their grand children, its as simple as that - they have no need to punish them. they want to keep their relationship with their grand kids, sacred and special and seperate.
they are older than you, they know more about being grandparents than you.
you don't have to attach your punishment on your kids, to their grandparents outing, seperate seperate seperate. it might take some work, and discussion but it might create a good dynamic in the end, if they agree not to butt in to you being parents and you agree to stay out of them being granparents.