How can I go about getting a background check on my daughter's friend's mom?

Question

I know it sounds terrible, but I've heard things (from a reliable source) that this friend's mom has been involved in drugs and spent time in jail, etc. I know people can change and I've spoken to the mother a few times at school and she seems very nice, but honestly, I'm a horrible judge of character. My daughter (who's 8) has been tenetively invited to thier house on Friday and I'm not sure how to handle it. I know my husband won't want her to go, but I don't want to disappoint either girl. They are really good friends and the girl is sweetheart. I was thinking of just telling her mom we were going to the movies and inviting them/the little girl to go with us, instead of my daughter going there. I could be totally wrong about the mom and be jumping to conclusions, which is why I wanted a background check. Just wondering if there was a way I could get a free one or if I should just dismiss what I've heard. My daughter's safety is my main concern. Any suggestions?!?!

When I say the mom seems very nice, I mean it. She's not only friendly but she's very well put together and always looks nice and clean. I'm not judging her on her past, but the info I recieved was that mom was in prison RECENTLY (as within the last couple of months). If that's the case, then it worries me because it's very possible she could relapse. I know people can change, I've seen it happen, but I also know the toll drugs can take on one's life, sometimes causing a life long battle with them. As far as I'm concerned, my daughter's safety is the most important thing.

Answer 1

i think a background check is a good idea. this site has info on that kind of stuff and they have links to sites they recommend for getting a background check:
http://www.peoplesearchnews.com/

Answer 2

I'm not sure you can go about pulling a person's criminal record without legitimate cause. If you don't want your daughter there, invite her friend to your home.

One thing that I have learned in life: people can, and do, change. If there was really a cause for concern here, I'm sure social services would have stepped in to protect your daughter's friend. One thing you could do is accompany your daughter to her friends home, and that way you can get a look inside the home and see if anything is amiss.

Please don't ever judge someone by what is in their past. If this lady has worked to improve herself, she deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Everyone makes mistakes. You're not perfect, are you? :)

*Response to your update* If this woman has been in prison this recently, I highly doubt that her daughter would be in her custody, especially if the reason was due to drugs. Don't you think that she would be in the custody of protective services? I'm not sure that your 'reliable source' is very reliable. Then again, I could very well be wrong. If you are this concerned about it, and I believe that you should be, then you will have to ask this woman yourself. Or you can try checking with the police department. I don't know if they can provide you with any information or not, but it's worth a shot. You are right when you say your daughter's safety should be first. Good for you.

Answer 3

Before I would go and waste money on a background check, I'd be asking the mother first. Can you always rely on gossip? How do you know the person YOU heard it from didn't hear it from someone else? We've all played that game in elementary school called telephone and we know what happens when you get too many talking. Overexaggerations happen and one little thing can be turned into one BIG thing.

Also, if she DID recently get out of prison for drugs, would she still have her child. If it DID just happen in the past few months as you state, I HIGHLY doubt the state would grant her custody to her child again after just a few months.

You could invite the 2 of them to the movies and dinner or to come hang out at your place for awhile afterwards so your daughter can play with hers while you have a heart to heart with her. You don't have to reveal your source, but just bring it up. If she denies it, check with your local Police Department. Her going to jail is a matter of public knowledge.

Answer 4

I can understand your concern, especially if you feel your judgement of character is not good enough. I don't know of any free background checks, and I agree with the others, you don't want to judge because of prior bad acts, either. Tell your daughter that you are not comfortable with her going to the other house because you don't feel you know the mother well enough yet, and instead go with the inviting the friend and her mother to spend time with you. That way you have a chance to get to know the mother better, the girls can have fun together, and you can feel secure about your daughter's safety. As you get to know the mother a little better, you can decide for yourself if she is a good person, and you will have a chance to discuss your rules for your daughter, like if there are problems that require any kind of disipline, like a time out, sent home, etc, when they get treats, adult visitors coming over during the kids visits, drinking in the house by anybody while your daughter is there. It lays out the rules, and opens the door for discussion about the possible prior bad acts, she can have a chance to admit to them or deny them if not already brought up, etc.

Answer 5

Go to your local courthouse... all arrests are public information. If there has been anything on her, it will be on record. You can also do a search on several websites- for a fee. I suggest the court only because it is free. You can also check the local newspaper in your area for past publications. I understand your concern, and it would be mine as well. But, as you said, even if you find out about something in her past, people can change their ways. Perhaps she is now on the straight and narrow... I know it is our job as mommies to be suspicious though! I think that the best idea is to meet somewhere in the middle- you could plan a get-together for all four of you, in a neutral place. Maybe all four of you could go to eat or go to a movie. This way, you will get to observe her parenting style and talk to her. You can get a better feel for this mom's current frame of mind, while still protecting your daughter.

Answer 6

I would say the best thing is to invite the girl to your house while you become a little bit closer to the mother. Then ask the mother about her past. People will tell you alot if you just listen to them. Explain to the mother about your anxiety about allowing your child to leave your home. Talk casually, she should open up.

Answer 7

You could call your local police department and they will be able to give you the information on how and if u can do a background check. You don't need to tell them her name, just your reasoning. Kudos to you for being a concerned mom, I would feel the exact same way if this were my son.

Answer 8

sometime we judge people and were wrong .If you have any doubt about the mother, have a one on one with her and reveal those questions to her , she just might be honest with you and may need a friend , spend some time with her. most of all pray for her even if you decide not to allow your daughter to participate in activities at her house . maybe you should participate with your daughter on an outing with them together. be blessed in that venture!

Answer 9

Prior convictions for past mistakes should not be treated as a scarlet letter to judge for the rest of their lives, speially if they did their time.

Any background check is going to cost you unless you've got an inside connection with the PD.

Answer 10

well frankly there are no free background checks ive tried the best thing you can do is just keep and eye out and see if you notice her scattered out.....and call her one day out of the blue and say hey i was wondering if we could drop by so we could talk a little bit but make it the same day if shes still on drugs then she has to have her daily fix....good luck