Has anyone here grown up with an alcoholic parent?

Question

How is your relationship with them now (specify your age)? I'm 19 and my mother (who is alcoholic) is doing a lot of work in therapy and hasn't been drinking for a little while (maybe a month or so). She was sober for a few years in the past, but then relapsed. She is now trying really hard, and knowing that she is really making an effort has helped our relationship mend a little, but it is really hard to deal with loving and hating someone so much at the same time. I have also been in therapy about this, which has helped. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone successfully had a good relationship with a parent whose alcoholism caused them a lot of emotional trouble as they were growing up. And, how did you get past constantly worrying about them relapsing again?

Thanks in advance for any responses!

Answer 1

yes..i grew up with both of my parents being alcoholics (although they divorced when i was very young)...i was raised with my mother and she did not stop drinking until after i left her house...I held alot of resentment towards her and to this day we still have no relationship...about u worrying over her relapsing---its out of your hands. she is going to live as she wants. you can support her, be there for her, but ultimately it is up to her ....very difficult but i wish the best for you and your mother.....

Answer 2

My dad's an alcoholic. He just recently relapsed... he had been sober for 11 years. I remember him being drunk when I was little (I'm 17 now)... and the things he used to do... talk about permanent scarring. Anyway, he went into rehab when I was 5 and became sober.

Although it was hard for me to be around him when he first came back ( i had night terrors every night and for some time actually refused to sleep at night. Obviously I would fall asleep after being up for a couple days straight, but I did my best not to.), I think the fact that I was so young when all of this happened allowed me to forgive my father and form a relationship with him. Actually, I had almost forgotten everything that had happened, well that is until he started drinking once he and my mom started fighting a lot. He started doing the same things to me that he used to when I was little and it really screwed me up. I don't sleep much anymore. I avoid it whenever possible, because I started having night terrors again (yeah, the fact that I'm 17 makes that only a little embarrassing). My mom went off the deep end and skipped town, so I'm living with my best friend. They've been really supportive, but theres only so much they can do to comfort me when I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

Anyway, back to the whole point to this post, I honestly don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive my father for what he's put me through. So, if someone offers you the solution and you find away to forgive your mom, please let me know. I could use some help in that area right about now.

Answer 3

I am 18 and my dad has been drinking for the past two years. He was an alcoholic way before I was born but he got treatment and was sober for 21 years. Then he was diagnosed with MS and that is when he started drinking again. At first, I understood why he was drinking. He wanted a way to erase the pain. But, it got out of control. It came to the point where he was verbally abusive to me and my mom and brothers. He would steal money from us and he would disappear for hours. His broken promises ruined our family. My mom wanted to leave all of us and move away by herself. My brothers and I would constantly take our frustrations out on one other, even our mom. I hated him for ruining our family...It was one of the reasons I went into a deep depression. He ruined what was supposed to be the best time of my life. But, now I can say I love my father. He has been sober for 6 months and things are back to normal. I sorted through my own issues and he did the same. We are not perfect but I can say things are much better.

I know how hard it is...I wish you the best of luck. Be there for her and support her. It is the only thing you can do. She needs to do it herself..just be by her side. No one should be alone.

Answer 4

I have dealt with my parents alcoholism and drug addiction all my life. I am 29 and have 2 kids of my own. I went through many bad times and many let downs. So many promises to quit and relapses. Know they really are trying, and they have a problem. Live for yourself its all you can do. I would like to talk more with you if you want just click and email me. best wishes i completely know where your coming from

Answer 5

Yes, my kids grew up with me. But I am sober now, and haven't had a drink for a few years. I am in a 12 step program, and first let me tell you that I am happy that your relationship with your mom is improving...There is a group called Ala-Teen for those in your sitiuation, and also Al-Anon to help you with those issues. Don't concern yourself with worrying whether or not she relapses again...her recovery is her responsibility...YOU can't keep her sober.

Answer 6

It's a hard place to be, and I feel for you. Our family has dealt with this -- four children involved. It hasn't been easy, but the person we love is now sober -- but it took all of us pulling together, loving that person, confronting that person, holding him accountable, learning not to enable, and setting boundaries -- including a plan to be physically removed from the person if/when a relapse should occur. We found that it took completely letting go -- and letting that person face the full consequences of his actions without covering up, making excuses or protecting him. Yes, there are fears of relapse, and they do stay with you -- but you learn to live in the moment and appreciate the good in each day. It takes time to trust again -- rightly so. The person had done a lot of damage, and words no longer work in that situation. Only time and actions can do that. But trust does come. Forgiveness has to be a part in this -- for your own sanity. (But forgiveness does not mean saying "it's all right to behave like this" and allowing yourself to be hurt again.) It is also important to learn and discover who you are apart from this person -- so many of us have our entire identity wrapped up in the alcoholic, and we forget that we deserve a life of our own. Learn not to be that crutch, and that you don't have to be the rescuer.

I kept a journal during this time, and I remember writing about how our alcoholic family member was like a drowning man. Every time there was a crisis, we would risk our own lives to dive in and save him -- only to have him reject our efforts. Then it occurred to me that perhaps the "water" he was standing in was only knee deep, and all he had to do was make the choice to stand up and save himself. I became angry at that thought -- he was behaving as though he were so helpless, and pity for him drove all of us to want to rescue. After I realized this, I let go with a great deal of peace -- we all did. This is when the changes happened. No more rescuing. Give yourself permission not to worry -- not to feel guilty -- not to rescue. You are entitled to a life, too -- and by reaching for it, you may be amazed to see your alcoholic loved one begin to change.

It's easy to feel that God has abandoned the alcoholic and his/her family -- but if ever there was a time when faith was needed, it's in this type of situation. There's so much hurt, anger and pain interwoven in the relationships that it's no wonder. In our situation, prayer and faith helped tremendously.

The good news: we're all stronger for what we've been through. We each use our lives in different ways to help others -- and it has strengthened each of our convictions to be better people. I hope that when enough time has passed, you'll be able to say this, too. You're stronger than you know just by virtue of what you've had to go through. I can't say we've enjoyed the experiences, but I know we have each taken some good out of it, and it has stretched our family in terms of compassion and the ability to love unconditionally. But we've also learned to remain firm by saying to our loved one, "No more," and mean it.

Answer 7

Good luck to your mom, but truthfully, you can't control their actions, so it's not your problem if she relapses. Have you attended al-anon meetings? they help you figure out the difference between your responsibilities and hers.

Answer 8

Show her support
make sure she knows you got her back