Need some strategy to deal with really frustrating mother in law?

Question

My policy with not only my MIL but other annoying people is mostly ignore or show my displeasure once in a while. However, with MIL, I just cannot stand her anymore. I need to find small ways to deal with her:
1. She is on advice overdrive. Could do this - could do that, think about this, think about that, buy this, don't buy that.
2. She is constantly sending e-mails on "what my husband used to do when a child" - I am really tired of listening / getting e-mails about my husband's childhood.
3. Has mean snide comments abt my parents/brother
4. MIL lives in a different country, but visit us for few months every year - and they try to take over the house.

What have people done in similar situations? Its impossible to have a "talk" with her because she has a comeback for everything. Plus, she is Mean & Manipulative - her biggest weakness is that she Lies though her teeth. Did I mention she is a hyper lady? and that I am a laidback person.

All thoughts are appreciated.
Thanks

Answer 1

Make it clear to her that you are your own person I suggest you read a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner, Pn.D. It is a NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER WITH OVER 2 MILLION COPIES SOLD. The chapter I suggest is chapter 4 and stick to what it says.

Answer 2

1. Try to consider that offering advice is her way of trying to 'help' you -- not meant to imply that you are incompetent.
2. She is probably just thrilled to finally have someone to share all that gushing over 'her baby' with. Start a scrapbook of printouts from all the e-mails. That way, you save time and can just 'print and place in binder' instead of listening to long phone call stories.
3. A blank stare and an "I don't understand" may be your only defence here.
4. Having houseguests for 'several months' is where I'd draw the line. Tell your husband that he must either find an alternative or that you will go to visit your own family for 'several months' every year.

Answer 3

Sorry there is not much that you can do with this lady, other than take what you need and ignore the rest, personally I would call her on her remarks about your family just tell her that you do not want nor appreciate such remarks. If you feel she is trying to manipulate you you have the power to not let it happen. just ignore her as for the info about your hubby's child hood, you can accept it or not, also you can delete her emails and when she asks tell her that you thought it was garbage so you deleted it in error.all you have to do is keep deleting them. as for when they come for a visit make sure every moment is taken up with visits and tours etc, keep her so busy that she wont have time to get on your nerves. Just because she treats you like a child, you can be an adult, you don't need her permission

Answer 4

You are playing a zero sum game by trying to "out mean" her. Take an entirely different approach. Kill her with kindness. Always be pleasant, never call her out on anything, compliment her often, and if she insults you, smile and say "I'm sorry you feel that way". For this to work, you have to be, or at least appear to be sincere. If you are over the top with it, or snarky, it won't work. The idea is that if you give her no room to move, she can't. It's hard to say "My daughter in law complimented my dress today. What a beeyotch" and have anyone pay any attention to it. Over time, she should just stop trying to get your back up. The idea is to not give her any ammo, or anything to complain about.

Answer 5

Spend the day out of the house and leave her there to have fun with the imp0rtant stuff like being a good person, cleaning the house and organizing it better...Don't hang around to listen to her snide remarks, let her call the rest of the family (who must know her just as well as you do) to give them any comments or gossip she wants.

Answer 6

Tell her that when you want her opinion, you'll give it to her. :o)

Seriously, though, when she starts with her snide comments and unwanted advice and emails, tell her to stop.

MIL: "I think that you should buy this instead of that because--"
You: "Thank you, but I will do this on my own."

It sounds like you've tried to be nice, and it hasn't worked. So start being firm. Tell her that you don't want to hear what she has to say, but if you need advice, you will come to her.

Answer 7

Block those emails! How about your spouse? Have you discussed this with him? Put your foot down, remember, its your house too...I had the same problem once...my husband had to step in, afterall, she was his mother. Tell her you will in no way stand for any more negative comments about your family and if it continues, there will be no more contact where you are concerned...let her deal with her son only! Good Luck!

Answer 8

First and foremost stop all e-mail communications with her. When she gives advice, do the opposite .........she will get the message that you are not listening to her. Tell her to stop mentioning your family to you from now on. Suggest that they visit for only one month every year and don't be too hospitable to her.

Answer 9

You never mentioned your husband. What does he say about all of this? She probably does all this just to make you mad, and it is working. Delete the emails before you read them, Just say OK, or sure on her suggestions, and put everything else out of your mind. When people are being hard to get along with, they hate for you to agree.

Answer 10

I am a mother-in-law. I would admire my son-in-law saying'' Please give me a chance to show you how well I take care of your daughter. I love her so much. I feel that you will get great peace of mind from knowing how well she will ALWAYS be cared for." Otherwise tell her to f*** off for a while. Which ever works for you. Because it is your family now. Because I really believe what I am saying I am always welcome in my son- in -laws home.