advice on my mother and father-in-law please (muslims in particular- but all advice is welcomed)?

Question

this is my story. i'm catholic and since i was a kid i never imagined i'd marry outside of my religion, until i met my husband- a wonderful man, who is a muslim but there's a downside, his parents (particularly his mother) is pretty mean to me. we've been married for 10 years now (by the way, we're both born and bred americans) and i've tried the "kill 'em with kindness" approach but nothing seems to work. she had her assumptions of what i was like before she met me and still hasn't let go of them. both of my parents-in-law constantly give me a hard time about not being muslim (and no, my parents don't do it to my husband. they accept the fact that he's muslim). they constantly accuse me of not being a virgin when i married him, i dress inappropriately (btw, his mom doesn't even wear hijab), etc. i'm seriously at the end of my rope and i don't know what to do. i love my husband but i can't take his parents anymore. i always respect them but they are still so mean to me. please help!

"moonshine" well, he doesn't like it but it seems to be the only way to stop it is to cut them completely out of our lives..... but i don't want that, especially not for him, you know?

"Acid" thanks so much! i didn't mean to say she didn't wear hijab as a jab but i just meant it as, she always gives me a hard time about not dressing appropriately (which i do, btw) but it just seems hypocritical to me that she would give me a hard time about not dressing a certain way, when she doesn't do the same, you know?

Answer 1

Well, I'm not so sure the inlaws being Muslim is the main problem, although that's a big enough problem in itself.

Your husband needs to step up to the plate here and have a "Come to Jesus" talk with your in-laws. Your husband chose YOU to be his wife. It is YOU that he left his parents for. He needs to lay down the law.

Is it tough to do? Hell yes its tough. Have I ever had to do it? Yes, my mom was being totally hateful to my wife. I tried at first to stay out of it, hoping it would blow over. It didn't. I had to sit down with her and tell her enough was enough---and I had to do it with respect for her because she's my parent.

it sounds to me like its your husband's turn to lay down the law. your mother in law may not ever like you--but you shouldn't have to put up with bad treatment. no one should be a doormat and let people walk all over them.

best of luck to you! you'll be in my prayers.

Answer 2

Unfortunately it has nothing to do with how you dress or your
acts of kindness....fundamentally you are flawed because
you are catholic - in their eyes (not mine).

Your question should be - do you love your husband enough
to "tolerate" his parents....if yes, then you will have to live with
it and be strong of mind not to let it get under your skin - kinda
like whats the greater good for your life.

Are any children involved? What will be their religion? Have
you thought of these questions.

In my life I know of two catholic girls in a very simliar situation
to you, except they are not married but are in love with their muslim man. And guess what - the situation is the same.
The girl's parents and family are very accepting of the guy, but not the other way around. A shame.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Your case is not perculiar, I would advise you to consider some of the following;
1- Your in-laws are certainly very ignorant of the fact that religion of Islam is not to be forced on anyone.
2-The religion allows leverage and the freedom to retain your faith, and still be a wife to a muslim, because that is allowed to him, until you decide to join or not, without time limit, ever.
3-That he, or any of his relations, is not supposed to mistreat you on ground of your faith, infact he is to make it easy for you to practice your religion.
4-You should continue to be fair to all, knowing that that is infact the most humane thing to do all.
5-Your husband should know much of the Muslim holy Book, for him to enlighten his parents of your rights and previlages as granted to you by God in this marriage union.
6-Any accusation of your past, and only God knows what all people did in the past, should not be reason for their attact on your person. They have not been made the Judge in God's place!
By the way I am a muslim, not Ameriacan though. I am puzzled, however, that an American, a muslim for that matter, could be that mean. Islam does not preach such behavior.
You too can lay your hands on an english version of the muslim holy book, the Qur'an, and find out what rights have been spelt out in it for you. That would give you some means of countering their unwarranted attck!
Good Luck. Keep your husband and may God bless you!

Answer 4

I'm sorry for what you are going through.
Some old people are strong headed..especially if they were raised in a different culture from which they are living now....
however, in laws are a constant problem to many people regardless of the religion issue.
my advice is don't give up treating them with kindness cos eventually they will accept you. and seriously you have to involve you husband to keep them away from you or at least keep things smooth between the two of you.
leading 10 years with your loving husband tells me that u will get through that .
bless you.

Answer 5

Maybe it's just my perspective, but I don't see this as a religious question. It's more a question of being polite. Your in-laws have not extended basic etiquette to you, so you're under no obligation to extend the same to them. Basically, you married your husband, not his parents.

If this is really bothering you, your husband should get involved. Talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. If he refuses to address the issue, make it plain to him that you will address it for him.

Answer 6

You need to talk to her very openly and honestly. Let her know that she is hurting you and enough is enough. I would also stop going to visit them until they treat you with the same respect they would like for themselves. You married your husband not his mother. Make sure he agrees with what you want to do regarding this situation and then go for it. You have a right to expect to be treated with kindness from the woman that will one day be the grandmother to your children.
Love & Light
Sharon
One Planet = One People

Answer 7

You should discuss this w your husband. Try not to see them as much...in laws should not meddle in your life.Maybe you should stop the too sweet approach and let them know of what you are made ....tell them when they say certain things it really hurts you and you would appreciate it if they stopped. If it's really bad you should consider moving....seriously! That's what my mother had to do. If your husband really loves you he will be understanding. I hope he's not weak minded moma's boy!Best wishes!

Answer 8

Any chance you can move away from them?

It will never change-----something you must accept.

Religion can bring out the best and the worse in people. I converted to Judaism from Christianity, and my parents never let me forget it and constantly nagged for me to go back to church---for 35 years-till they died. And, parents can be the worse when it comes to their children not doing as they want them to do.

What religion are you raising your children in? I believe in Islam, the children go with the father on religion. Have you ever thought of converting? It is a good religion.

Answer 9

I never had this problem with my mother in law. She accepted me from the moment my husband told her he wanted to marry me. It was my father in law who is hard to win over. Just accept the fact that they are set in their ways. That's what I have learned. Nothing is good enough for him, nothing makes him change his opinion, so now I am at the point where it's "either accept me as I am or it's your loss. Either way, I'm perfectly happy and healthy without you"

Answer 10

man that must be hard. what does your husband have to say?
my parents had that problem, not because of religion, but the fact that my mom wasnt white (shes chinese). have your husband talk to them, you can talk to them (if that already hasnt been attempted), drop not-so-subtle hints. im not sure how much that will work for you, it worked for my parents, beyond that i dont know what else to tell you without causing more stress between you and them.
i hope everything works out