I had a miserable 18-year marriage to a man who has borderline personality disorder. He was physically, verbally, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive to me. Last year I finally gave up and got a divorce. He threatened suicide and went to pieces when I left, but has since levelled out. He has not found another woman who can stand to be with him for more than a week and is, I'm sure, very lonely. We have been able to talk a couple of times a week over the phone (I moved almost 600 miles away) about our children. He has given me money and I have sent him pictures of the kids etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we are amicable. I have not given him my address or home phone number. I am in a relationship now that is everything I ever dreamed of. This man is my mental, emotional, financial, social and physical ideal. I love him with all of my heart and always will. I know that he feels the same about me. We are planning to marry soon.
My question is this:
2006-11-01 08:21:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Mental Health
I want to call him and get angry about the things that he did to me for all those years. I want to tell him what a lousy husband and father he was, waht a self-centered jerk, horrible lover, etc. I want him to know that it has taken me a lot of time (and will continue to take years probably) to get over my self-esteem issues. I want him to know how happy and fullfilled I am now. I want him to know that I regret ever having met him and how he destroyed not only my life, but the lives of his three daughters as well. I want him to know why no woman will ever want him and that I sure as h&** would warn any woman away from him. I want him to know what a fantastic lover my new love is and waht a loser HE was. I want to hurt him with words.
I understand that what I want is a sort of revenge, but I need him to know that I am no longer his doormat. I am a beautiful tall sexy woman who blew 18 years on a man who always thought he could do better. Should I risk our fragile state?
2006-11-01 08:29:20 · update #1
Sounds like my 19 year marriage. I have since remarried to a wonderful man . I felt the same but restrained myself since it really will not accomplish much other than letting you vent. My ex has a poor relationship with his 4 kids and has come to realize that this is his own fault. After 8 years we can now have a conversation where I do not feel like screaming at him but we only communicate if it is about the kids. My guess is that your ex probably realizes what he has lost. The day our divorce became final he called me up and said that he had made a terrible mistake and wanted me back. My revenge was saying simply that I was now happy and would never return to a relationship where I was mistreated. The best revenge I believe is getting on with your own life and being happy. Love your new guy. Focus on him and not the past. LOL
2006-11-01 08:37:23 · answer #1 · answered by june.johnston 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It's obvious that you have a lot of anger toward your x-husband, that is understandable. The issue is what is best for you and what is the best way to resolve your anger and enjoy your new life.
I used to work as a R.N. on a psychiatric unit for many years. If your x-husband has borderline personality disorder, he did not chose to have this disorder, and there is no real cure for it.
I suspect that if you phone him and say the things you want to, that he will be argumentative, blame you, and that the outcome will be that you have more anger toward him than you have now.
The real way to get revenge on your x-husband is for you to forget about him, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that, emotionally, you are still tied to him by your anger. The best way to get revenge on your X is is to enjoy the happiness in your present life.
The person who suggested that you write your X a letter telling him all the things you want to and then burn or tear up the letter has a good idea. This is a technique that has helped many people to let go of their anger.
I don't know if you are a Christian or not but I would like to share something that has helped me a lot to let go of anger. Jesus said that we should pray for our enemies. I found a prayer when I was in my 20's that I have used often and has been very helpful at letting me let go of my anger. It is, " Lord, please help my brother/sister and forgive me, a sinner, for the sake of that brother's/sister's prayers."
Praying that prayer and the part of The Lord's prayer, that says, "forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us." After the prayer Jesus said that if we do not forgive others then we wouldn't be forgiven either.
I don't know about you, but even though I never had any intention of hurting others, because of my ignorance, weakness, selfishness, etc.; I have hurt others. I can't afford to not have my sins forgiven, so it is in my interest to forgive others, after the issues are resolved.
I'm sorry that this answer is so long, but you asked and important question, and one that is close to my heart. My x-wife and I dated for three years before we got married. Those years were some of the happiest in my life.
After we got married, she became a completely different person and the next 17 years were some of the worst in my life. Finally, she left me after I became physically handicapped and was a drag in her life. I struggle with trying to completely forgive her because I know that if I can let go of my anger towards her I will be happier.
I hope that something I have said has helped. My heart goes out to you because when I worked as a psych R.N. I had a number of patients that had borderline personality disorder and know how hard it is to relate to them.
God bless you. I am so happy that you are out of that situation and have such a good husband now.
2006-11-01 09:33:51 · answer #2 · answered by Smartassawhip 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he is truly mentally ill, he won't get much out of what you would tell him. In fact, he would probably think you were the one that had problems. I can fully understand why you would want to do this, but if you are having a hard time moving on with your life, where the anger is concerned, you may want to talk to a professional. Anger, at it's best, destroys us. The sooner you can dump it, the better you'll be. Good Luck!!!
2006-11-01 08:33:33 · answer #3 · answered by pupcake 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I totally understand that you want to hurt him for all those things he did to you. However, I hate to say this but you allowed it for 18 years....and allowed your kids to be exposed to it. You're now a different woman and good for you. It's about time. Nothing good is going to come of you ranting to him. I think you should write him a long letter telling him everything you want to say, then don't send it...just get on with your life. Better yet, seek a professionals help. Clearly you have many lingering issues that you do need to resolve. Good Luck.
2006-11-01 08:30:29 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Anger is an emotional reaction . . . So why are you offended? as quickly as you recognize what triggers your frustration that finally ends up in ANGER .. you could artwork on it. occasion: you do no longer know a thank you to make it artwork .. so which you get offended. this is you understanding you could no longer do it ... that bugs you ... so relax and study that which bothers you.... difficulty solved. persons annoy me then they: (What-ever this is) ..... Ask why they could be doing that, as quickly as you already know the reason, you could extra desirable comprehend the approach ... If all else fails: in basic terms know some circumstances you in basic terms can no longer restoration stupid ... different than it and circulate on. all of us have pent up subject concerns ... a actual activity can help bleed off extra pent up potential ... a psychological undertaking can calm you .. examining .. it expands you expertise base, improves your vocabulary, and provide you extra desirable information of others by examining the textile or memories. look on the mirror, see who's looking lower back and what problems them ... then you definately can artwork on it. ;-)
2016-11-26 22:25:23 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would forget about it (I know, easier said than done) and seek therapy, if you have not done so already. People like that eventually get theirs. May not be today, may not be tomorrow, but eventually people like that who refuse to change and insist on being @ssholes eventually get it in the end. Focus your energy on your new relationship, it sounds great. By seeking revenge on your former husband you not only risk your current relationship but quite frankly the idiot is not worth it. God bless!
2006-11-01 08:34:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just walk away !
2006-11-01 09:24:59 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋