What to do about my son's behavior toward his mother?

Question

My wife is a stay-at-home-mom during the day. She works occasional nights and weekends. I work M-F 9-5. My 3-1/2 year old son prefers my company when I am home over my wifes. That in itself isn't really a problem. The problem is how he shows it. He is mean to her by saying things to her like "you can't play with us" or "you can't have any of this," "only dad can". He also doesn't want to participate in things that my wife wants to do with him. For trick-or-treating last night, he didn't want to go (with mom), just because I had to stay home and give out candy. He wanted to go with me. This has been going on for 6 or more months. A) Is this normal? B) What can/should we do to correct this behavior? Should we force him to do things with his mom he doesn't want to do? etc. Thanks!

I should add that he goes to pre-school 3 days a week in the mornings. He is in his 2nd year of it.

Another note, when we've asked him about why he doesn't want her to play, one of his answers is "because she's not a boy".

Answer 1

This is ironic because for most families, the situation is reversed.

My wife has been a good sport, and it involved just leaving the house so I had the kids by myself. There was crying, wailing, etc., but it faded, and we got used to playing together. Then when Mom came home, she insisted "if Daddy can't play, I won't play either."

Then there's the sharing issue. If our kids refuse to share a toy (within reason of course) we take the toy. No warnings, no threats, just "No share, no toy." And it goes into the "big white box" in the linen closet where it stays for a week.

Bad news though - this continues into adult life for many kids. Country Clubs are famous for it.

Answer 2

It's normal, my nephew prefers his mom, especially when being put to sleep (he makes his dad stay at the door but his mom and can come inside). I think you should take some initiative to invite mommy at play yourself. When you son says no, let him know you're in charge and that YOU want mommy to play with the two of you. Also, be sure you're not promoting some of the behavior yourself, unconsciously. Make sure you don't tease your wife too much by saying stuff like "boys only" or "no girls allowed". Children are quick to pick up on even the slightest hint. Just stay in command and your son will begin to ease up.

Also be sure you are both participating in discipline, this can cause favorism too. If your wife dishes out most of the discipline, this may be reason for your son to prefer you over her. Best of luck!

Answer 3

My son is the same way. It comes from seeing mom so much all day and you not as much. Explain to him that those kinds statements hurt mommys feelings etc. Encourage him to say his requests in a non hurtful way. Perhaps you could designate a 1/2 hour period at the end of the day that is just Daddy time. During this time, Mom won't interfere. He just enjoys your time because he doesn't see you as much. Encourage your wife not to take it personally too. Boys go through a phase at around 7 when they are absolutely in love with their mothers and want to do everything with them. I went away for 3 weeks and my son didn't even want to talk to me on the phone. I didnt take it personally. He lives with me and only sees his father sometimes, so he was enjoying their time together. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

It could be a normal thing im not sure about that i have 2 girls myself and i work evenings my younger daughter never wanted me to leave for work she always has prefered moms attention over dads , I want to say its possible its a phase but at the same time it could be a behavior problem too . i would say the best thing possible would probably be to try to get him to understand that eventho mom isnt a boy she can still play boy games and try to introduce her into some of the dad son time that he dont want her to play in although that may not be easy and he may grow out of it

Answer 5

Tell him sharply and very firmly not to speak to your wife that way.
Would you let anyone else be rude to your wife? Then don't allow it from your son.

But, so long as he's not actually being rude or malicious, it is normal for him to want to be mostly with you when you come home. If's he obviously being rude or mean, then stop that behaviour as soon as possible. But if he is just being a child and not being rude, then go along with it but don't encourage it. Surely your wife would rather have some time to herself anyway once you're there to watch the child?

Answer 6

you know i dont know how to renforce this behavior im going through something similar with my kids too i have a 6 yr old and a 1 yr old and i stay home with them all day and their dad works but from the time he gets home until they go to bed they would rather be with their dad sometimes my daughter says thing like your son and it is hurtful but i step back and let them enjoy their dad and i now realize that in some way it is helping but in some ways it makes me feel like i have done something to make them this way my husband just reassures me that its because they see him less my daughter said that she misses her dad during the day and im always home so just reassure your wife it is nothing she has done its just that your son is wanting some daddy time and it doesnt mean he loves his mom any less than he loves you good luck

Answer 7

Pretty normal sounding to me. He is identifying with you, his father which is in itself a good thing, he recognizes that you and he are both males. I wouldn't do anything to "correct" the behaivor. I do suggest though that YOU start including your wife in things and that you and your wife do things together (yard work, working on the car; the supposed "male" roles), to show your son that just because she isn't male doesn't mean she can't do the same things.

Answer 8

It is normal for children to have preferences of some people, but I think his is a little extreme.

When he says "you can't play with us" or "only dad can" politely ask him "Why can't mommy play?" or "Why don't you want mommy to?"

Let him answer and then explain to him that "That's not a nice thing to say about mommy". He needs to learn that there are appropriate and inappropriate things to say about people. Tell him if he can't be nice, then he won't play at all.

Answer 9

I think that you need to stop him from treating your wife like that its fine that he is close to you but its not fine the way he is talking to your wife it is disrespectful and you need to tell him no dont speak to your mom like that thats not nice you need to be a team your wife is probably the main disciplinarian with him and so when he sees you he knows its going to fun and games but I think you need to correct this behavior

Answer 10

it's cause he's with mom during the day while your gone and doesn't want to share the time he has with you . . . .I have two boys and I went through it with both of them . . your son needs to understand that is not the right way to behave towards mom and that mom came first and that she will be included.