How do I get over the past?

Question

I was hurt very badly in the past...and I guess I still hold a grudge for it too, because it won't leave my mind. Last night, my boyfriend and I got into it, because he told me he had a dream about another girl-nothing sexual, but another girl. It made me feel bad, and it reminded me of the time when my ex did the same thing-except it WAS something sexual. So we got into it, I ended up crying, and he told me that apparently I don't trust him, and that I was always treating him like he did something wrong, when he didn't. He also said I always bring my ex's up, and it makes him feel like he's being a bad boyfriend, when he isn't.

I'm just so insecure about him leaving me, because he means the world to me. He's my soulmate. So any suggestions on how I can stop worrying about what happened in the past, and letting it affect my future? I feel horrible for making him feel like that...he's such a wonderful person. Any advice?

Thanks guys. I appreciate it. He tells me that he loves me, and will never leave me, that he wants to marry me, that I am his One. He is my One too...we've been together for a long while, and I didn't realize that I was brining up my ex's all the time, whenever something like this happens. I know he can't control what he dreams, and I told him that. It just made me feel like I wasn't satisfying him. I'm insecure about it. I do not want to lose him and I need all the help I can get.

Answer 1

you have to learn self control. When he does something that brings up those insecure emotions you need to keep the ex's out of it. No matter what happens this is about the two of you, not any of them. Just tell him that though you can't help how things bring up emotions from the past but you will try to help throwing it in his face as if he's done something wrong. Then just ask him to be understanding about the pain you've gone through and that sometimes you can't help but be afraid. Its got nothing to do with trust because you honestly don't think he's doing that kind of stuff. It has to do with your own insecurities and you'll work on getting over that. In order to get over that you have to face it square on. Look it in its ugly face and then realize that you are not in that situation any longer. You're better off and they can't hurt you any longer. And then, just let it go. And whenever those emotions rear their ugly heads just tell your boyfriend that you're just sad. Bad memories you are trying not to think about. Maybe he can help to Cheer you up and make you forget whats going on in your head.

Answer 2

Well, I have been there. I am now married to the man similar to your current boyfriend. And we had several arguments where I cried and made him feel like he is going to do me like my ex did. He was hurt by it and can you blame him? Put yourself in his shoes. Pretend that he was insecure because of his ex and somehow puts you as someone who would do him the same way. We know that is unfair and you would feel bad. To get over it....mostly time. I found a way to not let it be known to him when the past crept up on me. There were times when I would go somewhere alone and cry or pray or both. I did not want to push my honey away by saying something about what he did or said that made me think of the past. It was hard. But now I can honestly say that I do not think of my ex and what he put me through. I remember that it made me stronger. It reminded me that I can make it alone and that a new man in my life would be a compliment to my life. And I have to treat him fairly.

Answer 3

Well, I was cheated on before. It SUCKS! It makes you question every little fing thing about yourself. The thing is, it doesn't have anything to do with you. It has EVERYTHING to do with them (the cheater). You could be perfect and it would still happen. It is something that just happens. You need to not make your boyfriend now pay for what your ex did. If you love him as much as you say you do, you need to clean this up. It is hard, don't get me wrong. You are only going to have one chance to make it right or you may lose him. DON'T bring up your ex. Get a journal and everytime you feel like you need to vent about your ex, or just need to express how it made you feel, write it in there. There is such a good feeling being able to write what you feel. And, best of all, you don't have to share it all with your bf. Express your love for him and show him that you DO trust him. Don't feel bad about yourself anymore. Doesn't your bf complilment you and make you feel good? That is what matters. Good Luck.

Answer 4

I think you need to learn to forgive. All those ppl that hurt you in the past are no longer with you, so you need to let them go with all their baggage.
Try this excercise;
write down all the things that were done to you in the past, then serparate them into two columns. Column "A" things that you had no control over and column "B" things that you may have some fault in. THen give each one a number between 1 and 10, 10 the most and 1 for the least influential in your life today.
I am pretty sure that you will find that none of this things should affect you anymore. Its all in your head so let it go.
As for your current boyfriend I would suggest you show him your list after you are done with it and ask him to forgive you for the things you have done to him, promisse him that you will change, make ammends and ask him to please help you and be patient with you. Tell him how much you really love him.
Make a note that I didn't tell you to say "you are sorry", ask him for his forgiveness, there is a difference.

Answer 5

Sounds like he has some growing up to do. It's not very respectful to tell the girl/woman you are dating that you are dreaming of other women. Not very classy either.

It's probably not a great idea to talk about your exs all the time, but women (and men sometimes too) do it. The way I interpret that when it happens in a committed or semi-committed relationship is "she's trying to tell me why the last guy got fired from her life, and I should be listening". And that seems to be what you are trying to do in this case (it takes a lot of relationship failures with women over "communication issues" for us men to figure out what you are trying to say).

So let me translate from woman-speak to man-speak (giving it my best shot):

Him thinking about other women (or dreaming in this case) and then TELLING you about it makes you feel disrespected, and this disrespect is lowering your interest in your boyfriend, and you are afraid you will have to dump him for being classless?

Did I get that right?

Answer 6

If he is coming to you and said he had a dream bout another girl, then he MUST TRUST YOU ENOUGH.... A person CAN NOT control what they dream. I dream about George Strait all the time.... Does that mean I want to cheat on my husband, HELL NO!! When I first started dating my husband, I found myself talking about my ex-husband alot. You need some counceling. Like myself, it is hard to deal with the past by yourself. Even if it is a friend or somebody new to the situation, you need to talk about it. It is normal that your boyfriend feels that way! And he isnt trying to be mean to you at all. IF he didnt love you, he wouldnt be with you. It is good that you are aware how he feels and about your personal problems. It will help if you can find somebody else to talk about it.... :) GOOD LUCK!

Answer 7

Think of the PRESENT than the past. What is important is now. The fact that you love each other proves that you two will still be together. Don't think of both of your ex's too much. Basically, I know that dreams are sometimes came from what we usually think of or what we last think of before we get asleep. Well, that is my belief and opinion. So, it is better to look forward and face what is up today. Hope I helped u with that. :)

Answer 8

You need to grow up and learn to trust who you are in a relationship with a sexual dream is just that a sexual dream maybe he had this dream with someone that wasnt harping on him and didnt continuously bring up her ex's.The best way to get over the past is to look to the future

Answer 9

you need to really think about how much your letting your ex into this relationship. its supposed to be between two people not three. you need to realize what a great guy you have and that you moved on from your ex. this is just another way that your ex is still making your life miserable, dont let that happen. stop comparing or your going to end up losing your bf. good luck, and be strong!

Answer 10

I really hope you get some good helpful answers. I feel like I'm the one that wrote this question! I'm married to my soul mate, but we've only been together for 11 months.(And I do mean we met 11 mo. ago). We've been married 4 mo. Every guy I ever knew, cheated on me. I'm 43. My husband has never given me any reason to think that he would, but I'm still scared. We (you & I) just have to keep trying to take our present men at face value. Remember, the more you hear something, the more you start to believe it. If our men keep hearing that they are going to cheat on us, we may just drive them to it. But on the same note, if we keep telling ourselves that we are the best thing that ever happened to them, and thy to live up to it, we'll feel better about ourselves and be better to our men. I completely empathize with you. Good Luck, I know we need it. Praying may help.