Please answer. Feeling ashamed need advice.?

Question

Ive been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now, he is a heavy drinker and is drunk most nights, so its no fun for me - hence to say that some aspects of our life are none exsistant, and it makes me so down. But when its good its great! But hes very depressed a lot. I was speaking to someone on line and we met up and things happened. And yes at this point everyone is going to slate me and tell me that I shouldnt be doing this, I know coz I feel really guilty but at the same time I want to be happy. Im so confused and dont know what to do. Yes I know its unfair on my other half - I wouldnt want it happening to me but at the same time, he doesnt treat my feelings with respect when he drinks.

Its such a mess. Part of me is thinking to not see the internet chap and fess up to my chap - coz its weird and didnt think I would feel like this and Ive never done this before - Ive always had it done to me. I have so much in common with the internet bloke tho. Its so hard. Please help!

Ive put up with my other half been like this for years, and hes tried seeking help and has failed. I have supported him 110% but its so draining. I want kids some day and dont think I can be with him to do this. The internet chap knows how bad things are @ home and is supporting me, we want the same things kids etc, Im late 20's and hes mid 30's. I feel bad for not supporting my chap but its hard coz its so draining. I just want to be happy.

Thank you everyone so much for your replies, they have helped me so much, its really appreciated. It is hard to decide because It means giving 3 years of my life down the drain but at the same time I dont think it will get any better. Its so difficult to get out of the current situation but I know it wont change. I have met the internet man and he treats me like an angel and know it would be okay. Its just finding the emotional strength to do everything. When my chap treats me good its great but then when he drinks its so awful to watch, its soul destroying.

Answer 1

You had 26 answers already at the time of my replying, and i didnt read them but i can imagine what most of them will say. You are young, your boyfriend doesnt treat you right and doesnt treat his body with respect - so why do you think he will be good for you when he's not good to himself?

Of course you have got involved with someone else. Its natural. You want a proper life with someone who cares. Its not a mess sweetheat, he's no good for you so just leave! Really, just pack up your stuff and leave. It may be hard but it will be best in the long run.

Get support from family and friends, and just do it! A\ year from now you will be SO much happier!

If a friend was in your situation what would you tell them? You'd said he doesnt deserve you, wouldnt you? Come on, ring your mum or a friend and say you want help leaving..... they will be delighed to help believe me!

My daughter left a relationship like this last year. He was a drinker and had started to push her around too. Now she is with a lovely bloke.

I hope you get the strength to do this, and make a good life for yourself.

Answer 2

It's ok, we're all just human so try not to beat yourself up over this.

First of all it sounds like your current relationship is not working for a large part of the time. I think you need to take some responsibility here - you either stay with your boyfriend and remain faithful or you stop the relationship. This doesn't mean you both cannot get back together once (or if) things have changed.

However I would be inclined to say that you shouldn't be with someone wjo drinks all the time. That is a problem - his problem and no matter how many times you or others may tell him this, he has to decide for himself to change his habits.

You say you want to be happy and no-one should be able to take that away from you, but you should be able to be happy by yourself as well as with someone else, so I understand why you feel guilty right now.

If I were you I would end the current relationship and tell my partner why - because of their drinking and subsequent behaviour. There is no way I'd put up with that even if I still loved them.
However I don't think I would then go with someone else straight away - it just wouldn't feel right for me. You say you have a lot in common with the other man so have you been in communication for some time? Perhaps you should also tell him that you feel guilty and need some time being single. This doesn't mean you can't be social, but perhaps you need some time to figure out what's the right thing to do.

I'm sure you are a kind and considerate person who doesn't want to upset anybody but sometimes we have to make difficult decisions to try and do what's right.

I hope you can find a good solution, good luck.

Answer 3

I don't think that it a good idea that you see this guy off of the internet unless you have had contact with him for a long time and know that you can trust him.
The more important thing however is that if you are going to see this guy that you think makes you happier which maybe he does you deal with your actual boyfriend first.
If he is constantly making you unhappy without taking yourself into consideration then you need to let him know that. Relationships work both ways and there always needs to be room for comprimise. Does he know how unhappy he is making you? Have you tried helping him to stop drinking and stop feeling so depressed? (the two are probably linked in a never ending circle that will get worse if not addressed!)
If there really is no hope for him or he still can't get himself sorted then you need to offer him an ultimatum. Maybe "either get yourself sorted or you'll have to leave him"....
If you have done all of these things and you are still unhappy and he is still not sorted himself out then you have done all you can that is fair. You will have offered him the opportunity to get things sorted before leaving and ending up with someone that could make you happier.
Hope that helps.

Answer 4

I imagine your partner knows that he has a problem. I think he is at a stage now where if he doesnt get help now he will lose everything later. As draining as it is you maybe his last chance for him to save himself. You will have to work hard and be patient but it could work itself out this way. If you want it to work of course you will have to talk to him about this, find out how he feels about his habit and the prospect of losing you. If he is not receptive then you know what to do. He also needs to help himself.

At the same time you dont want to waste any more time going down this road. If in a couple of months things are the same you may have to pull out of it all together.

Seeing two people at once is never the right thing to do. I would advise against picking up with one where you left off with someone else. If you do split with your guy you will have to greive at some point. If you dive in with some one else you are only putting off the inevitable, which would have adverse consequences on all. Stay friends with the net guy, as a shoulder and a confident, and let that develop in its own way.

Dont feel guilty for meeting someone else. We all need an escape now and then. Feel silly as it is a dangerous way to do it.

Good luck in the future and I hope it all works out.

Answer 5

I was in a similar situation 6 years ago and slept with my (ex)partners best pal. Looking back I realise I was just looking for some affection that was missing from the relationship.
I realised that I could not spend the majority of my time unhappy, and the good times (infrequent) were not enough to make up for the life I was leading. I chose to break up with him as I knew things would never change, no matter how much I begged him or told him how unhappy I was. My partner would never have made me happy with the way he was acting and I would have spent the rest of my life looking for the love from other guys, which in turn, can rot your self-esteem.
Its your decision, but I would treat your actions as a sub-concious wake up call, and act upon them. Life's too short.
Ps, I met my current partner 3 weeks after splitting with my ex. We have a son and I have never been happier. I fell in love with him because he treated me the way i had always wanted to be treated. Good luck and feel free to contact me through my profile for support.

Answer 6

You 'seeing' another guy shows that your current relationship is pretty much dead. You get the occasional 5 minutes of fun, but most of the time your guy is a pig.

Id it really worth the aggro?

Whether internet chap is a fun fling or the next big thing, this shows you can have fun with other people and your time with the drunken depressive is over.

Leave him, you can still be friends of you really want to 'help'him. Have some fun and move on.

Answer 7

This is tough, and I don't usually answer questions as serious as this. But I can relate to how you are feeling. From personal experience, if you want to stay with your current partner then you should try to find a way to fix the problems (discuss this with him in full) and if it's not going to work then you should leave him.

I think you should be honest with the internet guy and tell him that you are going to try and make your current relationship work. Also maybe keep in touch with him, staying as friends. I don't see the point in telling your partner about the internet guy, I think it will just hurt him more. As far as I am concerned if you haven't met this guy, then it is really just fantasy at the moment.

I hope this helps and good luck. xx

Answer 8

If you really love your bf and want to be with him, then you should suggest he seeks help for his drinking. Finding another is not going to help your relationship with your bf and is only a temporary mask for your problems. Deal with home b4 visting w/ your neighbor. You have already made a difficult situation that much more problemsome by involving another. You really do not need all of this on your plate with the problem you are already having w/ your bf. Leave the internet chap, but only if you want to work it out w/ your bf.

Answer 9

It sounds like you are not happy in your 3 yr relationship and I can see why. If he's drunk most of the time he just doesn't have it in him to pay more attention to you....the alcohol takes over and becomes the most important thing in their lives. I have someone very close to me going through this right now. He has started going to AA and it has helped him tremendously. You have to ask yourself how mush more time are you willing to put into the relationship that seems to leave you feeling lonely and sad. It doesn't sound like there's a bright future ahead of you. I think it may be time to tell your b/f that you are not happy in the relationship anymore, then you will be free to carry on and find someone who has more to offer you.

Answer 10

Your current squeeze seems to be in a destructive cycle. You do not have to be there. You have seen what things could be like and because you have put up with your partner for so long you feel guilty. He should feel guilty for putting you through everything you have been through, but probably won't. You deserve to live out your life to the best of your ability and if he is not your choice for a long, or should I say life, partner then get out of there and get the happiness you deserve.

Maybe you needed to see how much of a rut you were in, get out of it. Live life it is beautiful!