Step Child Troubles?

Question

Hi, My b/f and I have been together for 7 years and he has a 10 year old son from a previous relationship. When the son comes to stay with us(it's suppose to be everysecond weekend that's it)he is so rude and ignorant. We have both tried to talk to him and disapline him but nothing seems to work. He is rude not only to us but to all adults. He talks back and steals others kids toys and is so greedy. We really need some help or advice. We are just about ready to give up. His mother spoils him and well we don't have that much money and when she comes around which is always she is always asking us for a lot of money to buy this and she doesn't ask she tells. We have explained this all to her and she said that the boy can do whatever he wants and doesn't have to listen to us. This is not fair on us. We don't deserve to be treated like this expecially from a 10yr old and in our own home. What do I do?

Answer 1

Hi,
I don't really know what to tell you except you have a huge problem here. You need to get the child some serious counciling and the mother as well. It's not right you both getting treated like that in your own home by anyone. Something needs to be done because it is only going to get worse with time. While he is in your house you need to lay down the law and show this kid who is boss. Let him know he can't get away with all of this behaviour. Try giving him a time out in a room with no tv or toys for 10 minutes at a time. Keep this up until he has learnt his lesson. Pretty soon he will get sick of it and give in and hopefully start behaving like a good little boy which he is.

Answer 2

Try the 1, 2, 3 discipline technique. It stops all arguing, there is no going on and on, and you remain in control. At the child's first infraction or rude words you say "that's one", keeps it up " that's two", third time " that was your third and final chance, now you must go to your room" (or whatever punishment you deem). If after one or two the child argues, you refuse to engage and simply say that two or that's three. This works because the child is shut down and has no power. Pick punishments that hurt, such as NO TV, radio, computer, games, play ect for 24 hrs. Kids hate boredom. If you really want to get their attention and you have other kids, take them along with you while you take the other kids for ice cream or skateboarding, BUT the punished child must sit out the fun and ice cream while the others enjoy.

Answer 3

Bless your heart, this is so painful!

There are some variable you haven't given us to work with, such as if he has other siblings, a step-dad, do you and b/f have children together, how the split with his mother occured, how long this has been going on and so forth, is child support paid? But I will do the best I can.

First, as hard as it is to see sometimes, we were all made in the image of God. In all people, there is something good. Sometimes it is a struggle to see it, I know. I struggle with it with a certain person in my life too. But, try try try to search for the good part so you can love it.

While I am sure this child is all you say he is, rude, ignorant, undisciplined, talks back, steals, is spoiled, and is greedy, he has been raised this way. To some extent, it's not fully his fault. His mother seems to encourage it. Some vengeful ex's are like that; they use the child(ren) to hurt the ex and the new partner.

That being said, of course, he should use his own brain and heart to decide how to behave. I would presume several things here. First, the boy wants/needs his father....I KNOW that is not what he shows; but his behavior insulates and protects him from hurt. He doesn't let any of you get close enough to eventually hurt him in any way, particularly emotionally. I don't know if the boy has a "father figure" in his life, other than his father. Regardless, he needs his father emotionally. This boy is in pain and this is the way he shows it...by hurting all in his path.

And, he needs love. It is so hard to love a child like this. Remember that he is a child. For seven years (basically all his life) he has been told many things about his father, and you, by his mother. This has served to shape his relationship with you both. Put yourself in his position for a moment. You are 10, here is your father, who left you, and this woman who he is with rather than you. Your own mother, who has stayed with you all your life, has said that you can do whatever you want and not listen to them. How would you feel? What do you suppose he wants?

You must try to find a way to love him. In small, subtle ways.... your tone of voice, preparing favorite foods, taking care of him, trying to have fun with him....playing ball, or video games. You might also show understanding by giving him some time alone with his father.

Dr. William Glasser contends that all problems are relationship problems. And that relationships grow further and further apart if one uses "the deadly habits" which are:
Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Bribing or rewarding to control

While it will be especially difficult in your situation, for the relationship to improve, Dr. Glasser suggests you try to increase the "caring habits" which are:
Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences

If you would like to read a bit more about Dr. Glasser's Choice Theory, a one page blurb can be found here: http://www.wglasser.com/whatisct.htm

This has some really good insights too: http://www.wglasser.com/thenew.htm

Above all, pray. Pray for this child. Pray for your partner. Pray for yourself. And, probably the most difficult of all, pray for his mother. God can do all things. I will pray for all of you now, that God will strengthen you and give you his peace.

Peace be with you!

Answer 4

First, why are you enabling this kid to behave badly? And second, why would you give this woman any money unless it is for the kid, and within reason. If the boy cannot treat you two with respect in your own home, then maybe it is time to re-arrange the visitation schedule. He needs some kind of counseling, it has to be rough on him too and he is acting out his anger because he doesn't know what else to do with it. But still, if he acts up in your home, you DO have the right to correct it. Maybe a friendly visit from a police officer will instill some fear and respect in him since his mother can't do it .

Answer 5

Children need to know that there are boundaries. They also need to know that when they cross those boundaries there is punishment; however, you also need to consider that it is equally important to reward good behavior. For example, if he would talk back rudely to you. You should punish him by sending him to his room or something to that degree. If he would say something nice, reward his word with something sweet to the tongue like candy. It's hard because he is in two different homes and it's confusing to a child when there is a lack of consistency. The other parent may not discipline at all so at first it might blow up in your face, but if you keep at it... in the long run, it will be better for you and the child. Make sure that both you and your boyfriend punish and reward equally- this will provide stability in, at least, your home. The child will soon realize that it's not ok to misbehave in your home.

Hope this helps! GOOD LUCK!

Answer 6

OK I'm in a situation like this and it gets worse if you can't take care of the problem now. The boys mother has no right to tell you that he can do what he wants and don't have to listen to you. i would try to get the boy some kind of counseling before it gets any worse. My step daughter has gotten so bad that she no longer comes to our house because all she does is listen to mother. Some mothers need to learn that these children have fathers.

Answer 7

You step-son has some serious problems and need counseling NOW. It wouldn't hurt if the adults in this child's life also did some joint counseling to learn how to work together to raise this boy to be a respectful, happy and mentally healthy adult.

Based upon what you've said, it sounds as if the mother encourages her son to be disrespectful to his father and you. She needs to understand that using her son to get revenge on her ex does nothing but confuse and hurt the boy while creating a monster that she isn't going to like when he hits his teens.

Good luck to all of you.

Answer 8

You and your husband are going to have to take charge of your own home! Your husband needs to tell this kid: I don't care what your Mother told you, I'm your Father and when you are at my home you WILL respect me and follow the rules or you will be grounded the entire time you are here! Then do it! Don't speak to him unless he is respectful. Tell the Mother not to call there when it's the Father's time with him. It may be unpleasant for awhile, but it will get better. It is unpleasant now and is only going to get worse if you don't take charge! Believe me the kid will love you both more for doing it! Good Luck

Answer 9

If you have some way to prove that she is telling him that he doesn't have to listen to you, take it to court. Courts don't take lightly a parent encouraging a child to behave like this. I went thru this with my ex, he was ordered to pay for counseling for my children and myself so that we could rebuild our relationship with each other. He had to take classes...there's so much the courts can do, but you have to prove it. In the meantime, I would have him in counseling. Even with just a school counselor is better than having to deal with a child that is being taught what his mother is teaching him. My heart goes out to your son, he's got to be really confused at the moment. Never give up, some how you have to find the strength to keep going. Its hard I know, I go thru it myself with my 3 step kids. They need to have someone who is fighting for them, you son can't even count on his mother and that's a shame. I wish you all lots of luck...if you ever need to vent, email me or catch me on im.

Answer 10

Okay, he has to realize that you're not made of money, and you're not going to spoil him like his mother does. That's really unfortunate, the way she does that - but this way, she gets what she wants - you and your b/f in misery.

The next time he comes over, make sure all the toys/games, etc. are out of site.

The TV remains off.

No movies, no nothing.

He can sit there.

If he misbehaves, there has to be a punishment of some sort. What does he like to do when he comes over? Take that away from him.

Let him know that this is the way it's going to be - that you're not giving up your visitation with him - becuase his father loves him and wants to see him - but that he is not going to like it much if he doesn't behave like he should.

As long as he behaves like he should, you can take him places - like putt-putting, go carting, bowling, etc. But, until he can show he can behave, these things are not going to happen.

Furthermore, if you do these things and he won't behave where you take him for fun - grab him and leave...IMMEDIATELY - it'll really piss him off. But, if he asks why - you tell him - and leave it at that. No further need for explanation, no further need for argument. He misbehaves, it's time to go. PERIOD.

Show him that you're not going to be walked on, and that he's not going to be babied like he is with his mother. You have to show him this, because - obviously - she isn't. If you don't step in and help this kid - because that's what he really needs is help - then no one will, and he'll grow up like this.

Good luck!