My husband and I have been fighting about how to deal with our 2 year old, who's right?

Question

My son has been throwing MAJOR fits lately. I'm talking 1 - 2 hour long epasodes over ANYTHING. He's never acted like this before.
He wants a toy he flips out screaming, throwing himself to the floor, banging his head, just totally hasterrical. He does the same thing if we give him a toy or if we pick up his brother or sister, at meal time, at bed time.
This has been going on since Sat.
I think it's toddler frustration and try to talk to him and calm him down. If that doesn't work then time out.
My husband will just immediatly spank him and put him in his crib for like 10 - 20 minutes, which makes him even more hasterical.
Now my husband and I are about to kill each other over this difference of opinion. What should I do?
I'm trying to keep in mind that this is about what is best for my son, not who's right and who's wrong.

Answer 1

I feel for you. I've got a 1 year old and an almost 3 year old and my husband and I have quite a few disagreements on how to handle things.

Well, although I am not totally against spanking, I think your boy should not be spanked for this current situation. First, I would take him to the pediatrician and rule out any health problems, i.e. earache, etc. Next I would ignore his tantrums completely. Make sure he is in a safe place to throw his fit and then simply walk away. I would not put him in his crib though. He may feel "caged in" and flip out even more. Just let him have his tantrum wherever he is as long as it is safe for him.

I would make sure that Mommy and Daddy have their disagreements about the children behind closed doors. The kids should NEVER hear you two disagreeing on issues pertaining to the kids and Mom and Dad should NEVER tell the other one he or she is wrong in from of the kids. This should ALWAYS be discussed without the kids present or they will learn to play one parent against the other. Your kids need to know that Mom and Dad are a team.

Try to give your son more choices and more responsibilities. Make sure he is "busy". Have his help on chores around the house such as dusting or helping rinse dinner dishes. He could also help empty the dishwasher, etc. Just make sure he is keeping busy.

Try to spend one on one time with him as much as possible.

Remember, we are not here to control our children, but to teach them to control themselves.

And finally, he is 2. His behavior is quite normal for a two year old. Have Dad give him a BIG HUG AND KISS and tell him how much he loves him next time instead of spanking him. Have Dad take him outside for a walk (just the two of them).

Hope this helps. If it doesn't, remember, he will outgrow this phase eventually.

Answer 2

For starters you need to sit down with your husband (away from the kids) and come up with a strategy together. Children this age are just learning that they do have some control on the world around them. He may have noticed that when he throws these fits it changes things around him. He gets attention and although it's not good attention it is something that he can control. He may also have noticed the conflict going on between you and your spouse, he doesn't realize what it is really doing to your relationship but i am sure he has noticed something. The best suggestion i have is to have a real sit down with your husband, go out for coffee for a bit just the 2 of you .... you know you could use the break and come up with a strategy of approach. As for what approach to take well your approach would seem to make sense according to the books and everything but it is obviously not working for your child. spanking isn't working and 10 - 20 minutes is a long time for a two year old a recommended time out for kids this age is 3 - 5 minutes. Leaving your child alone for 20 minutes is not going to accomplish anything. But most importantly how ever you decide to deal with the problem you and your husband need to be united or all approaches will probably fail. Good luck

Answer 3

Oh boy. You just reminded me of when my son was 2. He would act out, scream, yell, hit and more. So, I can tell you from personal experience that getting angry at him or putting him in his crib is a bad idea. It will only escalate the situation. And eventhough I am a firm believer in time outs, in this case it will not work. First of all, you and your huband have to decide who will be handling the situations. I handled my son myself while my husband would stay out of the picture and it helped a lot. Before that, we were both trying to calm him down or make him listen but that just told him that he had our attention. That made him worse.
What you have to do when he throws a fit is to stay calm. It's hard, but if you or your husband show him signs of frustration or anger, he will only get worse. Then, remove him from the situation. Take him another room if it's at home or take him outside if you're in a store or restaurant. Then, you keep telling him that you will talk to him when he calms down. Show him a place to sit and keep him near you but do not respond to what he says. After every few minutes, remind him with a simple sentence that says that you will talk to him when he's done screaming. First few times it will be really hard. He will test you, but he WILL calm down. He will tell you he's ready to talk. And when he does, you have his undivided attention. Give him a hug and explain to him why his behavior was wrong. I've always used the Big Boy thing with my son and he likes that. Explain to him what big boys do and how they behave. Lastly, consistency is very important. Be sure to follow through with the same plan every single time even when there's company around, even when other women stare at you at the store etc. Also, acknowledge and appreciate every single good thing he does.
I hope it works for you. It has worked for me and has calmed my now 3 year old and he can regulate his feelings very well now. He's going through his terrible 2s and if you teach him how to handle his feelings correctly, he will get over it very soon.

Answer 4

Forget the spanking, but your husband is right about putting him in his crib. I'm 52, have raised 6 kids and have 15 grandchildren. Once the fit starts, put the child in the crib, no matter how long he throws a fit, let him do it. It's once they get quiet, you check on the baby. Either he will be asleep or will be calmed down. After a few times of this the fits will stop. He will learn that that tactic won't work. And we all know Moms are a push over. Kids will do things with Moms that they won't do with Dads. Haven't you ever noticed how their behavior changes once Dad gets home?

Answer 5

Do both. The kid will start associating his undesirable behavior to pain, the spanking. He goes hysterical to try and demand his desire. He was probably conditioned to get a reaction when he screams and cries when he was younger. When he realizes his tantrums are not being rewarded then he would calm down. With the tantrum working less, he will leave this form of communication to a more or less degree for something else.

However, make sure whoever spanks him is not emotionally charge. Do it in a calm way. He's a two year old, don't beat him up.

Continue to talk with him in an appropriate moment, when he's calm down. He needs to know that he is still love. Time out alone may work as a punishment if you really refuse to spank him.

You and your husband need to find a united approach. This kid is only two years old and he's starting to divide the family. You guys are the parents not him.

Also remember that they didn't coin the phrase terrible twos for nothing. What you are experiencing is normal. Parenting will continue on even when little baby turns to 40.

Answer 6

i don't know if either is wrong or right, your child is testing the boundaries. so don't feed into it, giving him what he wants is wrong and giving him all of that attention is showing him that if he throws a fit you will come running. And spanking him shows that one parent is the bad one and the other one is good. What ever you decided to do you and your husband need to be consistent and do it together so that he can not choose sides. children are smart. so when he throws a fit do not give him what he wants advised him that it is not acceptable, and then provide punishment like putting him in the crib or in the corner for 2 minutes and tell him that, and do not come to him during that time when he gets mad, it sounds like he already knows how the system works, The other thing you can do if he throws a fit is to through one with him so he can see how silly you look when you act like him. good luck

Answer 7

I am sorry. Every couple has differences in opinion on how to raise a child and it usually seems to balance out if they are both dedicated and caring. I guess since you are divorced it is no surprise you dont agree. It does sound like he cares, though, no? I mean he loves your child, no? You dont want the child exposed to this conflict anymore, so not sure if that is going on during phone calls which take his/your time away from child care. I guess I would lay off for a while and see if things get better. I mean two year old mainly need safety precautions, constant watching and lots of love and diversionary activities as well as good nutrition and sleeping routines. Try to not worry about what you cannot control and just enjoy her before the larger problems emerge ( dating, schoolwork, etc)

Answer 8

My daughter went through this as well, but there is hope it won't last forever. But my mother in law is a child theropist (wjich usually in just annoying, not helpfull, but this time I was glad) You need to remove him from the situation & talk w/ him calmly ( he is going to act out more if you go into a rage or diplay anger) If he doe not calm down he needs to be placed in a time out, away from activity w/ the family so he does not feel give he is getting attention by doing this., but close enough you can check in on him. I know how frusterating this ordeal is, but rage & anger are only teaching him he is ok in diplaying the same. Hope I was of some help, Good Luck

Answer 9

I agree with Ms Mama. Your son will stop his tantrum show if he doesn't have an audience. When my son was in that stage we just ignored him, if we could. If we were in public I had to drag him to the bathroom and let him have his tantrum there. But at home, we just walk away. After he calmed down, we would tell him that he needs to talk to us like a big boy because we can't understand what he wants when he screams and cries, and that we dont scream and cry to him when we want things.

Answer 10

He is testing your boundaries of tolerance and above all things you and your husband should not be divided over this, especially in front of him. Both approaches have there place, modern psychology says use time outs and no corporal punishment and now just look at the youth in schools today raised on this psychological advice. Before this last generation the worst problems in schools were spit balls, gum under the desk or talking in class and they used corporal punishment and most families believed in the time tested advice over thousands of years of Solomon: spare the rod and spoil the child.

I am not advocating beating the child, no one who says spare the rod and spoil child is but the boundaries must be set and humans respond to at the most basic level one of two things pleasure or pain. Psychological abuse of a time out could be considered more abusive than a few swats on the behind that do little more than shock the child and "break the pattern" of his psychological behavior rather than hurt him.

In reality you and your husband are both right depending on the situation. I was spanked only a few times in my life by my father but that was all it took, and I knew better to not go running like a wild Indian in the store like kids do today, or throw a tantrum , I remembered very easily what to do and not to do after my father loved me enough to discipline me. But of course there was a lifetime of talking and counseling and love and spanking was the exception and not the rule, just a strong enough one and powerful enough one at an early age that the boundaries were set and corporal punishment was rarely needed later on as a child and teenager.

Of course this is considering as some others have mentioned that he is healthy and does not have an earache or some other irritant making him cranky since you mention this has just started in the last few days.