What do I do about my in-laws, especially mother-in-law?

Question

My mom-in-law does stupid ****, like spends $$ on vacations for her & her hubby & then tells her adult kids, "Sorry, there won't be a Christmas this year cuz we spent our extra money on a trip to Greece, Florida, etc!" I'm sorry but that just seems outright ignorant. She loves 2 talk & when you try 2 talk, she just starts talking right over u like u weren't even saying anything. It drives me nuts, but do I say anything? No! Well, a few weeks ago, my hubby's dad got remarried 2 a lady that no one likes. My sis-in-law was supposed 2 B in the wedding, but decided the day of the wedding 2 call & say she refused to be in it, cuz she doesn't like the lady her father is marrying. Okay, I posted a vague blog saying some1 was "Disrespectful", cuz I didn't agree with the way she did it, waiting until the last min. Well her mom (my mominlaw) ripped me a new 1 cuz "i have no clue what her poor baby went through as a child, etc, " Now none of his family will speak 2 me, cuz of this. What do I do?

The blog that I posted was VERY vague, and didn't have names or anything. It just said, "I'm disappointed, because that was disrespectful, and that's all I have to say." And my mom-in-law emailed me and was like "is this about my daughter not going to the wedding? you have NO CLUE what she has gone through as a child, she is still hoping for daddy's love" and let me remind you my sis-in-law is 26. Please!! And every single thing that I said was twisted around by my mother-in-law!! My hubby is on my side, but he was pissed that I even got into it with his mother. All I said to him was hey, I have to stand up for myself. She called me a "child bride" and a "twit"...Child bride? I'm 22...not sure where that came from. She is just one of those people who acts like if you are her child, you have done NOTHING wrong...and I'm sorry, I was just speaking my opinion, and she bit my freaking head off!!!

Oh and I already told my hubby, "don't worry, I will be all smiles and friendly at family dinners and holidays and such, but if she says one word to me or puts me down, don't think I won't stand up for myself and tell her like it is." But see, his family is acting so immature, I don't even think they will be mature about it and just get over it and deal with it. His sister won't even talk to him until he calls and apologizes, because mommy dearest told her that he doesn't love her anymore...where she got that from? Who knows. She pulled it out of her ***...

That's the thing. I didn't start a fight or anything. I just posted a blog, and really all it said was "How I'm feeling right now: Disappointed. That was just disrespectful." No names, no nothing, it wasn't even towards her or anything. She emailed me and confronted me and started going off on me before she even really knew what the blog was about.

She acts like she is so much better than everyone else, and it drives me nuts! I have always been nice to her, until that day, because of her calling me names and accusing me of things I didn't do. And after she confronted me about all of this, she DEMANDED that I apologize to her. I'm sorry, but I don't think ANYONE is better than ANYONE else, and can demand an apology. To me, that just seems like she thinks she is better than me, and she deserves it! She is just as low as I am on this one, because we both were arguing.

Ohh!! And listen to this!! My hubby and his last wife divorced because she couldn't have kids, and he really wants kids. Well, a few months ago, my hubby's youngest sister found out she was pregnant...Guess who they are giving the baby to? HIS EX WIFE!!! It is so awkward for me, and I hate it. And they talk about her all of the time, even before the whole baby thing, all they talk about is his ex, and about how much they miss her and love her and blah blah. Makes me feel like "hello?? I'm right here!" all of the talking about his ex makes me feel like crap!

And leading up to the wedding, my sis-in-law kept saying, "I don't want to be in this wedding cuz I hate this woman!!" So she clearly felt that way loooong before the day arrived, so why did she have to be disrespectful and wait until the last minute? I just don't get it. One day she says "Oh I hate my dad, I don't care who he marries!" And the next minute she says "I can't condone my father marrying that witch! He deserves better!" Which is it??? And she would confess these things to my hubby and I, so it's not like I was purposely sticking my nose into her business, she was handing it to me on a platter!

Answer 1

It sounds like you have fallen into the same thing that many young people do when they marry. The wonderful person that you married must have been adopted because the crazy, rude, illmannered, less than intelligent family that he calls his own couldn't possibly be his! No, seriously, you are one of the many masses of people who have discovered that you not only marry the man (or woman) you indeed do marry the family, and sometimes they are not people that you enjoy, agree with, or can even tolerate. I do not really mean to imply that they are these terrible people, just that they may not be your cup of tea, but you are going to be stuck with them at least on some level for as long as you stay married to their son (which hopefully is a long time if that is what you want). There is also the situation to consider that these people are going to be related to any children that he and you may have, and therefore it is to your husband's advantage, and to your children's advantage that you make an effort to be pleasant, helpful and friendly to your inlaws.

Even though we have a right to express ourselves in this country, sometimes it is not the "wisest" thing to do when dealing with family (or inlaws) There is a reason there are jokes about not discussing politics or religion in some settings - simply meaning that sometimes serious discussions with vast differences of opinion are best not said - everybody is not so open minded that they can "agree to disagree".. Since it sounds like you have fallen into such a family, a little advice........ You are exposed to these people, who you otherwise might never invite into your living room, because they are your husband's family. Every time you hear them say or do something that you disagree with, is it wise to jump up and express your opinion, even if it is your right to do so? One thing that I would think of when you are around these people. If I open my mouth, will it put someone that I love in a bad position (like your saying he has to apologize because of this situation). I have learned all this over time and can also tell you that they may come to accept you as part of their family and not be so antagonistic to you in time - or not! Keep in mind that when you have children, you will want to get along with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, if possible, for your child's sake. Otherwise, your husband now, and your children later will be in the middle and it will just make family gatherings harder for them. They will love and appreciate you more if you make the effort to be KIND to their family (even if you can't stand them). Remember they brought your husband into the world. He may criticize them soundly all the time, but he really doesn't want them to criticize you or vice versa. If he is really a good guy, help him out. And like someone else said, live your own life as much as possible, and try to see them when it is most pleasant to do so. If you go to big family gatherings there is usually someone that you enjoy more than others. Hang out with them!

There is also the possibility that in some ways they are right and you do not know everything that went on in this situation. Eat a little crow for the sake of family peace. You don't have to say you were wrong, just say that you are sincerely sorry that you offended anyone, that you love your husband and they are his family and you will try to be mindful of that in the future. That kind of "apology" doesn't really mean that you have changed your opinion of them, just that you realize, perhaps, that you should have handled it a different way. As I have told my son when he has had difficulty with his wife - do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? You can't always be both. I wish you luck on your marraige - you are 22 - long way to go. My parents were married for 59 years (I was not so lucky.) Keep in mind what is really important to you---the real reason that you are involved with that family. Hope you will be happy.

Answer 2

Trust me things could be a lot worse! If you guys are busy, spending quality time with each other or have made plans and he jumps up to leave I could see you being upset! However, if the two of you aren't really doing anything what's the big deal about him going to help out? You husband has the right to say no anytime he feels like it so you really can't be upset with his parents for asking him for help especially if he can do it. Do you get mad when the dad does your hubby a favor by cutting his hair once a month? Do you think the mom questions the dad for always cutting his hair every month? Of course not, that's what families do help each other out. Perhaps while you were at his sisters house everybody was having a good time and hated for it to end so they encouraged him to say longer! You need to be clear that if you guys agree to an hour than that's what it has to be, and if that doesn't work take separate cars or don't go. If you have a problem it's not with his family it's with him and you need to make it clear on what you want. Just don't try to force him to choose because the reasons your provided aren't good enough. (BTW I don't like my mother in law too much so I'm not taking sides just being honest) Good Luck!

Answer 3

Holy $((^z! I'm feelin for you right now!!! First, the others have been right, you have to move beyond this. Yes, I know you really want to hear that you are rightand can hold a grudge against these insane people as long as you want BUT they are your husbands family and now since you said "I Do" they're yours now too. ALL families are dysfunctional, some more thanothers! First, obviously don't blog about them where they know to look for it! Second, Be the bigger person and apologize, it will move everyone on to healing and gettingover it so much quicker. Third, you need to talk to your husband about the mentioning of the ex. His sister is giving her her baby? HUH? I can't evencomment! But your husband does need to know that this is making your life miserable and makes you uncomfortable. By the Way...Your husband needs to talk to his family not you... I have found that if it comes from the outside (AKA you) the fam will get defensive and protect their own (even if secretly they agree 100% with you)
Sounds like you need to move atleast 3 states away from them and visit on Christmas! If you don't maintain some distance, your marriage is definetely in jeopardy.

Answer 4

Mothers-in-law are dangerous. Do not mess around with this woman, or she will work day and night to destroy your marriage.

Be respectful, distant, and have NO COMMENT on anything that goes on in their family. It is none of your business, does not concern you, and will not affect you in any way if you are just sweet, kind and DISTANT with those people. Apologize, say you had a headache, a tumyache, a nervous breakdown, whatever. Promise not to write ANYTHING about any of your own or your husband's family in any media whatsoever; you'll never be invited to family events if they think you're spying on them for later publication on the World Wide Web.

Stay out of other people's conflicts. Your first years of marriage set the tone for the rest of your lives together, and you can't afford to mar it by bickering with idiots over nonsense.

Answer 5

Have you talked to your husband about the situation? My mother-in-law is the same way about not letting anyone get a word in edge wise. I just let her go on unless I have something to say and I know it's rude but I have to interupt her. Your husband should take up for you to a certain extent though. They are still his family and he needs to have a relationship with them but he needs to tell them that they cannot treat you like that and you shouldn't feel that you can't give advice if it's in the right way. I know what your going through. goodluck.

Answer 6

you can't change anything about your in-laws. especially your mother-in-law. she has been that way even before you came into the picture. these people may seem outrageous and exasperating to you but you have to remember that these people are your husband's family. to avoid situations like the ones you got into, try to keep your opinions just between you and your husband. your blog may have been vague but for someone who knows about what happened, they will definitely know that they are the ones being referred to. it's ok to talk about them, say your opinion about them, judge them, all of that is ok. but do it with your husband. when you're with his family, be nice to them. it's hard, but i think you should apologize to your mother and sister-in-law. tell them you made a mistake and that you understand why what you did upset them. because in my opinion, you can never judge them because you didn't go through what they went through. you were just a spectator.

Answer 7

I agree with GSXR. Most likely, starting a fight with her would not only make it more difficult on you, but your husband, too. I do agree with you though...she sounds like a very unpleasant person. All I can think of is be the better person...no matter how much that sucks for you. Good luck!

Answer 8

Try and talk less sometimes. May be if you had kept quiet a little longer, may be you would not be in this crop

Answer 9

welcome to married life....ignore them your never going to win..i agree with you by the way....you did the nothin wronge...and remember its your story and stick to it ..good luck

Answer 10

plain and simple stay away when you can and if not kill her with kindness