My boyfriend's mom told me something about him...should I ask him about it?

Question

My boyfriend's mom, sister and I were talking about abuse as a child. His mom then told me that my boyfriend was sexually abused by her cousin at the age of 9. She said that since then, he's completely blocked it out of his memory. However, whenever something reminds him of that horrible time, he gets very angry. We tell each other EVERYTHING. But he's never said anything about this, even though I've told him simular stories about myself.
I just want him to know that I'm there for him if he ever wants to talk about it. Should I ask him about it, or avoid it completely?

We are very close...soon to be married. I live with him and his family. It's not that I want to push him into telling me, I just want him to talk about it so it doesn't become a problem later on. I know from my experiences, I felt a lot better after I talked about it with someone I trusted.

Thank you for all your answers!! I appreciate it bigtime!!

Answer 1

I wouldn't mention it directly, I would suggest that you just re-assure him that you are there for him no matter what. He might take it the wrong way with you finding out about that without him telling you.

Answer 2

Oh boy. This is one of those things you shouldn't touch. He will bring it up to you when he's good and ready if he wants to. Stuff like that is very personal to a man and is not something you go nosing into. If you were planning on getting married that might be a little different. For now though I'd avoid it completely.

Answer 3

well there is a very simple reason behind why he blocked it from his memory because IT HURTS!!!!! u can't ask him coz it will bother him, people usually talk about their bad memories when they feel they can. adding to that, that u will be in a negative situation in front of his sister & mom coz u told him they told u, & because u knew something about him and didn't tell him directly (it is a viscious circle)
now that u have known that it is a chance for u to be ready to know what to say or what to do when he tells u, i mean u have the chance to really find out about how to help him (u could ask a professional meanwhile)

Answer 4

... i don't think you should say anything.... reason number 1: you don't want to risk the trust and bond that the three of you have obviously built by running your mouth knowing that your boyfriend would probably be upset with his mother and sister if he knew that they told you something that he would not confide in you for HIMSELF.... and secondly because although i know you may be upset that he doesn't share everything with you, some things are harder for some people to cope with than others.... thirdly i think by waiting for him to tell you you will be reassuring yourself just how deep the relationship goes (by him confiding in you you know for sure that he trust and loves you beyond reason) fourthly if he doesn't decide to tell you then you should not feel bad about it or feel that your relationship means any less to him ... i think you should just let him deal with it the way he decides to.... unless it becomes a problem that may cause him harm in other ways... then i think it is your job to take action and get him some professional attention if that is what he needs.... my thing is don't pressure him into letting you in let him do it naturally if he feels better and is healthier with the way things stand then don't pressure him to talk about it and make him resent you and his family for it...

Answer 5

Give him time, let him tell you about it. I am sure that his family would not want you to tell him that they told and I am also sure that if he hasn't told you then it is for a reason. Maybe he is embarrased or ashamed, not that he should be...but that has to be very difficullt for a man to admit. Wait as long as you can, if you feel like it is taking a tole on your relationship then maybe you should just sit down and talk to him about how he makes you feel sometimes, then something may stem from that and he may tell you why he acts like he does sometimes.

Answer 6

It is best to let it alone. When he is ready to discuss it with you he will. If he doesn't want to talk about it you should respect his privacy. I am sure that it is something that haunts him. There is a good possibility that he suffers from some guilt because of it. His mother should have arranged some counseling for him when she discovered it. Assuming that he is now an adult it is now up to him to seek counseling.

Answer 7

definitely avoid. when the time come that he wants to talk about it, im sure he will, but you cant push people to tell you something they are not comfortable with. My brother and I went through similat things when we were young, and nobody could make me talk about it untill I was like 23 or 24, and my brother still wont talk about, he avoids anything he cant deal with

Answer 8

you said that when things remind him of it, he get's angry... do you really want him that pissed off at you, and he'll also be pissed at his mother and sister too...

If you say anything, be prepared for him to respond in any possible way, from just walking away, to getting violent, to telling you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore...

it could also go the completely opposite way... you never know, it may make things better... when abuse is in the picture, it makes issues completely unpredictable...

Answer 9

I think that is a very delicate situation and it was not something that his mother should've said to you even if you are a good girlfriend. That is not something that will be easy for your boyfriend to confess, but even if you know it know by his mother, I think you should wait for him to confess that to you. Dont feel bad because he hasnt said anything to you, is not like saying baby I am wearing a g-string today and laugh it off...

Answer 10

Since it's a very fragile thing ..i would not ask him but I would probebly start a topic of sexually abused children like on NBC, the show and discuss it and ask him what he thinks about that?