Niece's father lives with a woman of questionable character?

Question

Hi, well here is the story in about as condensed form as I can give. My sister’s former husband decided family life was not for him and moved on to woman half his age etc…the usual stereotype. His recent string of relationships has finally landed him into living with a “lady” two kids and they now live happily ever after in the same situation he left my sister to escape from. Go figure! Oh well to each his own. Now I have filled in as caretaker of home, picking nieces up, school functions and general role model. I love my sister and my nieces and will do whatever is necessary to have them all happy.

Now my problem. My 10 year niece is coming home and comparing her father’s girlfriend to my sister. My sister not only provides 99% of the financial support but 90% of the time as well to these girls. She also happens to have MS and is on a weekly medications that do make her retain weight and tires her out. Making a 10 year understand this has been difficult. So when my niece comes home with comments like why do wear granny underwear, you wear old people clothes, I want to get a g-string , and we don’t do that over at Daddy’s house it can be rather hurtful.

I guess I could ignore this and let our good upbringing prevail however I’m concerned that the outside influence of a drug using, floozy dressing other woman will give my nieces the wrong views on how to grow up to be true ladies. Should I explain it to her, talk to the ex-brother in law or just keep on providing a good role model and hope for the best?

Answer 1

Wow, I hate to hear when children end up with dorks and idiots for a mother or father. This guy is obviously a total loser and this woman is a real pisser.

Anyway, the one thing you should *not* do is disparage the woman in front of your niece. Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that the only thing that accomplishes is confusion on the child's part - she may, for whatever reason, like this woman. And if you make negative comments about her a couple of things may happen: she may stop talking to you about things that happen over there and she may come to resent you for "badmouthing" someone she likes.

Keep doing what you're doing. Ten years old is far too young for g-strings. Just tell her that. Explain to her that different people parent differently. Be kind to her but remind her that you have her best interests at heart and you would never do anything that would be bad for her.

I would also have your sister speak *privately* with her ex. The new woman has NO place in the conversation. She should speak decently with him and say that they need to get at least close to the same page on things.

Don't be hurt by what she's saying. At 10, she's legitimately confused about why there are different rules at different places. Be grateful that she's talking about these things.

I wish you the best.

BTW, if she's drug using, I suggest getting on the phone with CPS immediately and filing an anonymous complaint - I'd also have the mother immediately file for supervised visits with the father *only*. This woman shouldn't even have her own damn kids if she's a drug user.

Keep being the great role model you guys are and keep her *safe*. Good luck.

Answer 2

Talking to children about all subjects in a kind, informative manner is always a great idea. Ten year olds are easily influenced by the outside world. The best thing to do is what you are doing already. That is setting a good role model and by talking to her and making her fully aware and understanding her mother's situation is of the utmost importance. It is not the clothes and make up that make the person it is the person who makes the clothes and make up.

Answer 3

1. Try not refrain from bad mouthing dad or the gf around the child. That will only hurt the child.
2. Try to advise the former brother-in-law that it is a little inappropriate for a 10 year old girl to request a g-string. try to be non-confrontational. Nicely tell him that his gf should not really be discuss the mother to the child. It is not healthy for the girl.
3. Absoulutely keep being a positive influence on the girl. She needs that for her to be able to have sucessful relationship in the future.

Answer 4

Never underestimate the intelligence of children. It is true that they accept whatever they like to accept, but it is also true that they do understand situations. So, it would be fair both for the kids and their mother to explain the situation in a most neutral and logical way, without resorting to blame. You could explain her the effect of the disease and drugs, the effort her mother is putting forward to raise her children. You may also want to point out that everybody's style is different, though I wouldn't want to imagine a world where ten year olds wear g-strings. Gosh, it really creeps me out just to think about it.

Answer 5

you should talk to the ex brother in law i mean a ten year old asking why she cant wear a g string? that's bad how did she get that from that other lady? that lady asked her why her mother wouldn't let her wear a g-sting? the daughter saw the Lady's g sting and they had a conversation about it? not a good influence for the kids

Answer 6

Sounds like she needs all the positive influences she can get in her life. Like most kids need. Yes absolutely you as the aunt, should give her advice. Talk to her, without putting anyone down, and show/ tell her what it is to be grown up and lady like. Rasing kids, we need all the help we can get. Any positive influence will be well accepted.

Answer 7

you are a good person. good of you to write and share your family and personal story. the best advice is you talk to a close relative you trust and love --an elderly person and/or talk to a school counselor, church man or rabbi. it is hard to give in writing counsel but a personal conversation with the above will do you much good. hope it helps.

Answer 8

Um, is there a question in there somewhere?

I'm sure that if somebody scrutinized *your* life like that, things wouldn't be perfect either. Mind your business and worry about yourself, not everyone else.

Answer 9

Condensed version -
Are you paying more attention to someone else's life....and they're doing fine, laughing and enjoying their lives?

Pay attention to your own life, and you'll be much happier. Your sister is doing what she wants...and if you think there is child abuse, called children & youth services of your state and county, and they will investigate.

Other than that....condensed version.....mind your manners and butt out!