My daughter is 18?

Question

and is a lovely girl and a very caring person when it comes to her friends and family.
she recently passed her driving test and thinks nothing of getting up early to drive me to work if i cant get a lift when on early shift.
she is at uni locally at the mo studying to be a primary school teacher. I know she has a lot of work on her plate but does anyone have an opinion on how much should be expected of her around the house.
I work 40 hours a week trying to keep the mortgage paid. I also have a 15 yr old son still at school.
They will both help out if i ask them but i am fed up with coming home from work, tired out, to find that the sink is full of dishes and the place needs hoovering etc.,
also my main bug bear is her room. it is like a tip with piles and piles and piles of clothes scatterred. glasses on every surface you get the picture.
No matter how often i say something, it remains the same. help, how can i change her attitude. she hoards too so that adds to her mess

Answer 1

obviously i don't know you so read this openly;

praise her lots, let her know what she means to you and how important her life is to you. like with her uni work and career plan.

if she knows she is a credit to you, you will make her feel more good about herself, this way you are encouraging her, let her know she is a wonderful grown woman and that you are very proud.

this way when you ask her to take responsibilities for herself, like keeping her room tiedy and doing her bit around the house, shouldnt come across so bad.......

it kind have has to work both ways, otherwise you will find that she rebells against everything you ask. especially if its all heated discussions.

have a think about what ive said it does make sence, a little bit like reverse physicolgy really, but because you are her mother she might see it as a chore and at the end of the day she knows you will do it, so the arguing probably seems worth it.

when she does do it make, sure even if its a little or maybe not to your standards, let her know you are happy with her, and it makes your day that little bit easier.

you can do it hun, you seem to have suceeded in other departments with her. x

Answer 2

Ok, firstly take a look around at other kids that age - how many of their parents can say they are "a lovely girl and very caring person" or be able to describe situations where their kids put themselves out to help? You've got it good compared to a lot of people and the fact that she turned out to be a great person is a credit to you, but also a credit to her of course, appreciate it, seriously.
Second - housework - you just need to draw up a fair rota and start from there. You're the mum and you made the decision to have kids so the responsibility is yours BUT they're not little any more and should understand that it's right to help out. Dishes can be washed up at the time right after they're used (at least usually), so there shouldn't be a need to come home to "piles" of them.
As for her room being untidy - just tell her to keep the door closed and then stay out of it. It's her problem and something she will need to learn - although it won't hurt to point out that boys/friends may get a really bad impression of her if she doesn't learn to bet tidier.
But if that's the worst thing she's doing at 18, and she's a nice person, you're doing fine.

Answer 3

She should be rotating responsibilities with you and your son. Maybe have a sit down with them and work on a schedule with all the chores around the house. 18 is tough though, she may not feel like she has to, the 15 year old as well. But you can explain to them that you work just as hard as they do and you all will contribute to the upkeep of the house.

As far as her room though, tell her that she has to make sure that every night she removes all the glasses and dishes from there and cleans them (or puts them in the dishwasher) before she goes to bed and besides that you don't mind much about the mess. She will eventually realize, when she gets her own place, how important it is to throw unnecessary items in the trash.

Answer 4

Well, this is what we did some years ago in a similar situation.

First of all, my wife and I sat down and decided what WE expected of them. Then we sat down with our children and discussed what we had decided. We set rules on what share of the housework they had to do and rules on thier rooms - thier private space. We then set a time limit on when the new jointly agreed rules for living in the house would come into force.

One of the agreements was that if the washing up wasn't done and there were no clean plates then we (my wife and I) would go out to eat and they would get nothing! With regard to their rooms we agreed standards of cleanliness. I imposed a rule that said that if their rooms were not clean then I would black bag everything and throw it in the skip. To my son's surprise I did this (although I actually hid the bags in the garage for a few days!).

It took some time but it worked. After all, the rules had been agreed by us all and we all knew the pros and the cons.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 5

That's funny me and my daughter just had a good laugh about this subject a couple of days ago lol OK here's what you do get you a sign make it up out of cardboard and get you a lawn chair a drink and when you come home from works go sit in your front yard with sign in hand stating mother is tired and children won't clean their rooms so I'm on strike til I can come in and walk through my house or state what room is a mess. You can add stuff like yard is taking over so mom has rented space til yard work is done then go sleep on their beds so they cant climb in them that night they'll get the point and they will Cleon their rooms because they won't want the neighbors or their friends seeing you on the front lawn with this Hugh ugly sign announcing to the world your on strike because of them hahaha. It worked real well at my house trust me they kept those rooms spotless after that lol good luck. I sat out there two whole days till it was clean to my satisfaction.

Answer 6

Why try and change what is really very normal behaviour? She sounds a delight and if you just think her room is her own space and not somewhere you need to concern yourself with you should enjoy her very good points a lot more.
As for the dishes then put your foot down with both of them. Set a rota which is fair to you all. You should not be expected to come home to that but neither should you expect your daughter to keep her room in the same condition you keep the rest of the house. It would be nice but it rarely happens so not worth worrying about!

Answer 7

It would always annoy me when my Mum would complain about the state of my room - IT'S MY ROOM!!!! Anyway I'm 30 now but I still remember!

I think you should let her do what she wants in her own space but you should maybe try a rota for cooking and cleaning?? Maybe the kids each cook once a week and wash up when you have cooked? These are also important life skills!

I think you should try to talk about personal responsibility - i.e. if they get something dirty they should clean it themselves - harder than it sound I know. But try with the small stuff and don't forget to PRAISE when they do something good - (even though they SHOULD) be doing it anyway. Like training a dog!! Maybe for a week of all cooking and washing up you can all go out for a meal or get a takeaway - instill some treats??

Good luck anyway.

Answer 8

My kids are not yet that old but I dread the days that they are for fear of drugs and alcohol, trouble in school, pregnancy, etc. If I had a daughter that seemed to be doing very well in school and most other areas of her life I would try not to nag too much about her room. Sounds like she is on the road to becoming successful, someday you will be extremely proud of the adult she becomes and you will look back and laugh. Take some pictures of her room at its worst and tell her your saving them for her future husband. I run a very clean house so I understand how it must feel, so shut the door!! Tell her unless it's clean to keep the door shut, and once or twice a year go in with a shovel and a box of hefty bags!!

Answer 9

I say, she's 18, she can help around the house. if she doesn't take the initiative, give her a list of chores for when she gets home from school. that's what my mom used to do.
but about her room, just get her to keep the door closed. you don't have to go in there, do you? it's her life, if she wants to keep it a mess then whatever, she'll be the one having a hard time finding her homework of whatever else.
i suppose one of the chores could be bring all dishes and glasses into the kitchen and wash them because that's annoying. and she better be doing her own laundry!

Answer 10

Ah Anni, join the group! We have 4 sons all living at home, aged 17, 19, 23 and 25. All of them are the nicest people you could meet, and handsome too! They are kind and loving, even giving their old dad a hug when needed! BUT..... their rooms the words bomb hit and it come to mind. Every so often they will have a clean up, but my wife and myself refuse to clean their rooms. If they want to live in a tip, then it's up to them. I'm afraid it's normal. Concentrate on the good points, but they should help in general household jobs. Tell them I said so! At least sounds like you have 2 great kids to lean on when needed.