Daughter is convinced she can't make the HS soccer team?

Question

She was all league last year as a JV forward. She is a junior this year. She would've been trying out for Varsity this year.

She is one of the best players on her comp team. Yet, she has convinced herself that she won't make the Varsity. And, would feel "humiliated" is she played JV as a Junior.

How do we help her to regain her confidence and encourage her to take appropriate risks (like trying out for Varsity)?

Answer 1

That's a tough one. The age she's at is just rife with doubts about everything from looks to ability to intelligence.

I would suggest that you not push her, but that you talk with her. Perhaps you and her mom could sit one night together and put together a string of memories of things that she's done in the past - some that were successful and some that were not.

Even things that we're not successful in are positive life events! Take these memories to her, focusing first maybe on the things she wasn't successful at - and talk about how it might have changed her direction into something positive. Share with her some things that you've "failed" at and let her know how it changed your life for the better.

Then move on to the things that she *has* been successful in. Start with how you remember her first steps! Move on to her first day at school - especially if she was frightened and "clingy." Remind her of all the positive things that were a bit daunting to her at first and how it was only perseverence that gave her success.

Finally, use this as a teaching opportunity. Don't promise her she'll make the team - nothing in life is a given. But teach her that failure does not have to lead to humiliation.

My Mother-in-law, FIL and a friend of theirs entered a relay triathlon. There were two other relay teams. My ILs got a third place ribbon LOL! My MIL was a bit embarrassed until my FIL reminded her that she actually beat everyone in the area - because she showed up. There were thousands of people who didn't win - and never had the chance - because they were too afraid, busy or uninterested to try.

I would also talk to her to see if this newfound reluctance is based more in a desire to just not go forward, but she's afraid to tell you that she's really not as interested as she used to be. I took ballet as a child and was afraid to tell my parents it wasn't for me. I made up many excuses as to why I didn't want to go, but it was really because it no longer held interest for me.

You have a real opportunity here! Here's some things to consider when you talk to her. I'm not suggesting you sit down and read her quotes, LOL, but they may give you a starting point to begin the dialogue - give you a sense of what may be inspirational to her!

I have two daughters of my own, and nothing hurts me worse than seeing my children sad because they haven't won something or accomplished something they wanted to succeed at. As parents, we are doomed to feel that way until the day we die! My oldest just entered a costume contest and didn't place (although, as you can guess, the judging was rigged and/or the judges were blind if you get my meaning hehe!). We are our children's champions, but I had to tell my daughter that it was not important in the long run. The important thing was that she had gotten dressed up and participated. I reminded her of times she had succeeded and then proceeded to encourage her to have the best time she could for the rest of the day. I really commend you for handling this like this - there's nothing better than input from other parents in a situation like this. Anyway, here are some quotes that might help you on your way to a conversation with your daughter. She's obviously very blessed to have such loving and caring parents.

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
Beverly Sills (1929 - )


Act as if it were impossible to fail.
Dorothea Brande

Don't be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience. Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid.
John Keats (1795 - 1821

If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down.
Mary Pickford (1893 - 1979)

You always pass failure on the way to success.
Mickey Rooney (1920 - )

Success isn't permanent, and failure isn't fatal.
Mike Ditka (1939 - )

We all have a few failures under our belt. It's what makes us ready for the successes.
Randy K. Milholland, Midnight Macabre, 10-18-05

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Answer 2

I'm a senior in High School this year, and I understand where she is coming from. But remind her, that it doesn't matter what level on the soccer team she is, as long as she does her best for that level. She could make the caption of the JV team, and if she was on the Varisty team she might be one of the weakest players. It doesn't matter if she makes JV as a Junior and not varsity, no one will judge her or make fun of her. If she is a great player and loves the game, then she should remember that just playing with all her heart is what's important. I played on the JV team my Junior year, and was pretty upset until I realized that that's where I needed to be at the time. I played hard and gave it my all, and now my senior year I've made the varsity team and feel great cause that extra year on the JV team made me a stronger player and a better teammate. Best of Luck!

Answer 3

It depends on your daughters personality, going through college sports myself, I saw that each persons success depended on the individual. When I was playing ball, It never really helped to have a person complimenting me to death and telling me how great I was, it helped most just to be real about the situation, these are the areas you need to work on, this is where your strong and where you are weak. Yeh, you may not make the team, yeh it might be embarassing if you don't, but if you don't try you wont be on the team either so what gives. I would say just let you daughter know that no matter what happens, you are there for her. Let her make up her own mind to try, and to use her insecurities as fuel to try her best. Most coaches will give spots to people who try as hard as they can, and are dedicated. They are looking for hunger, they can give her the skills once she gets there.

Answer 4

First thing that I would do, is to encourage her to try out and remind her of all of her accomplishments on the soccer field. If she just doesn't want to try out, maybe she doesn't want to play and is just saying that there is no way that she'll make the team because she doesn't want to disappoint you. Talk to her about it. If that is the case, I wouldn't push it any further. It is better if she doesn't want to be there that she doesn't be there. She wouldn't be trying her hardest which isn't fair to her or the rest of the team. Maybe she just wants to take a year away from it and explore other activities.

Answer 5

keep telling her she can do it...help her as much as u can (practice makes perfect!)