Why does my husband seem determined to ruin holidays and special occasions for me?

Question

Even though I do get somewhat unorganized, I try to really plan out and holidays or special occasions, and to do it myself, but sometimes I need a little help from my husband. Well, to see and hear him, you would think I asked him to do all the work. Even during the last hour, before we are leaving the house, if I ask him to help me, whether it is getting my daughter dressed, mix something in a bowl, or find something for me, he either complains and critisizes me "WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT ALREADY?"or"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS RUNNING BEHIND?" Or he will throw his hands in the air and curse "G_ _ DAM_!!!!" Or if we are going to my brothers house for something, he will say "I am going to go ahead and go down to Chris's." and will leave real quick. (Brother lives 2 blocks away) I always end up so frustrated with him, that I don't even want to enclude him in these family get togethers. I would rather him just stay home. How do I get him to understand what he is doing to me?

Answer 1

You failed to mention if this is the only circumstances where you both seem to be at odds.

If this is the only time where you are at odds; then question one: Did or have you included him in the planning of the fun? Or does he completely leave it to you? Marriage is a partnership; not a dictatorship or master/slave relationship.

If he is uncomfortable with planning the fun, ask if he wouldn't mind helping to do certain parts of the getting the party ready. Do this before starting the preparations; not during. This way he would know what was expected of him before time and plan accordingly. If doing even the simplest of these preparations is a chore for him, you have a sister-in-law who lives 2 blocks down or at least a brother...ask them. Do this before starting the preparation; not during. They will know what is expected and will follow thru for you and if they're going to be at the party, too, well then more fun will be had in getting it ready.

From your description of your daughter, are we to assume that the child isn't his? If this is the case, perhaps he resents that fact to some point. Too bad for him, he is missing out on a loving relationship between a parent and a child in either case.

You will need to find a time where the two of you are alone. Drop the child off at your brother's or someother safe place and ease into a comfortable communication with your husband. Tell him that you both need to talk and lay out the ground rules before you have your discussion. That is as follows:

1. No name calling
2. No cursing
3. No finger pointing
4. No yelling
5. If the above cannot be observed, a time out will occur for the offender in the bathroom or other room in the house for a period of 5 to 10 minutes to get back in control of oneself.

Then if the above can be agreed upon, be sure to use "I" statements, such as " I feel like ..... when you say.......", "I feel that you don't love me when you do ...."; "I feel like .... when you say ...."

There are more such statements as the above that you can use. These are just guide lines. And be sure that you are aware that he will have statements of his own. You may or may not like them either. You should also limit the number of statements allowed for each of you. Then after the statements, there should be a short response made that is constructive on how to improve the situation.

If you cannot resolve your conflicts in this format; use a minister who is either from your church or someone elses. They are free; so the excuse of not being able to afford a counselor is null and void.

If you wish to not resolve this conflict in your marriage; then either plan your parties completely on not relying on his participation or get someone else to help with the parties if you are wishing to keep your marriage. Otherwise, consider what you are demonstrating to your child.

Answer 2

Well to be fair, some people find holidays very stressful. Your husband could be one of those and is just reacting out of that stress.

Having said that, he is acting like a jerk. Next time a holiday is approaching and you start getting ready, anticipate that this behavior will happen again. Practice what you have always wanted to say to him on the subject. Something like, "I have tried to take on most of the burden of getting ready for this event. But it is not asking too much of you to help. This is a partnership, so quit acting like a baby and do it. You are spoiling what should be a happy time for everybody...especially me. So either help or next time, you will not be involved at all and can stay home by yourself." Make up your own speech, but you better mean what you say...don't make empty threats/promises.

Answer 3

Is it possible that he may feel neglected? You started out explaining that you try to plan and accomplish all these things yourself, may if you include him in the planning process or ask for him to put in his two cents in the planning process, when it came time for implementation, he wouldn't be so edgy.

It could be that he genuinely feels left out and then all of a sudden, when your at Witt's end you ask for his help so doesn't all fall apart. (This is possibly what he feels).

The only way to find a resolution to this situation is to get his input. He is the only person who knows whats going on and you need to have an open dialog with him. If you can't, you need to get some couple counseling as this may have already spilled over into other areas.

Answer 4

Are you sure that he only does this for family gatherings? It sounds like he is controlling and feels that it is below him to do housewife chores. Does he ever help you around the house? Does he say insulting things like you mentioned at other times as well as family gatherings?

It sounds like he is emotionally abusing you and expecting you to be the obedient housewife who expects nothing of her husband.

Can you make him stop? Abusive and controlling men do not change easily. It might be possible with counseling to make him understand. The issue is that he does not feel responsible for any household chores. His view of the world is based upon the macho belief that women exist for men.

One thing you could try is to send your son to your brother-in-law's house early and when your husband starts that slipping out the door, you go outside and yell "you better get back here and help now or I am leaving you!" If he is not abusive and just seeing what he can get away with, he will promptly turn back and help. He will also not be so quick to slip out again.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 5

I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a spoiled a**. He needs to check himself and realiza that you are NOT the slave of the house to do everything on your own and things are to be equal.

Personally I wouldn't even stay with a guy like that, but you are married to him and have kids so that makes the situation a little more difficult. Was he like that when you married him? Or did he turn like that? That's tough and I'm sorry that you are in that situation, but stop counting on him for things and then maybe your life will run a lot smoother.

Answer 6

You should have recognized this behavior before the holidays...something tells me he is like this more often than not...Unless he's willing to work with you I would suggest getting him into counseling, he is either just a jerk or has issues from the way is own parents were..Good Luck....

Answer 7

Talk to him at a time when he is in a good mood. Say "you know hun, it really stresses me out when bla...bla...bla..."
you speak to him calmy and lovingly. Tell him how you need his help. You both are helpmates to each other. It's not just one-sided. You see if you speak to him when your not under stress, he'll be able to understand.(I hope)

You know what book helped me? It's called
"Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian. Very good. It helped me very much.

God Bless you & your hubby's marriage.

Answer 8

Youre just going to have to sit him down and talk to himn telling him eveything that is weighting heavily on your mind. If this doesn't help then just don't involve him in anything and let him see what he is missing out on. GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

act like he's not there. he's not invited, why would you want to subject yourself to his behavior?

apply for credit card in his name, not yours. let him know that if he wants to not help, you don't have to go. you can go shopping.
he can either pay with money or with help. his choice. you leave the house first and don't take the children with you. leave them for him to deal with. (like you normally do)

Answer 10

Show him this page, leave it open on the computer for him to see.
Also, tell him outright that YOU wouldn't have to think of EVERYTHING if HE would help.
Time to get tough with him, sounds like he is acting like a little kid- perhaps you should ground him until his chores are done?