My mom and dad divorsed when I was 1. I always had a great relationship with my dad. When I was 13 my dad molested me. It tore me apart and I even tried to commit suicide. When I was in the hospital I told on my dad. No one in my family believed me except my mom. When I was younger my mom always told me that my dad molested my aunt and until now I didnt believe her. My whole dads side of the family disowned me. We were so close and now my grandma was saying that I was trying to break up the family. My dad to this day wont admit it. In order to get my family back after a year with out them I just had to pretend like nothing happend. I never lied and said that it didnt happed I just stopped talking about it. Eventually my dad and I got a better relationship but I still cant forget what he did to me. I am 20 now. What if my dad does it to someone else. He is sick and needs help. I am tired of pretending it never happend. I just dont wann lose my family again. What do I do?
2006-10-30 16:26:48 · 18 answers · asked by angel l 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I wish I had the magic words to take this all away... I dont.... I was sexualy abuse by a family member, many yrs ago too.. and now a neice and nephew and other family members, on my husbands side, are coming forward with the same story.. it is tearing us apart, as individuals and as a family... I finaly started dealing with mine when I turned 34.. I finally broke down and told my husband about it all... I went thru, anger, pain, hearbreak, disbelief, sadness, depression, you name it, I went thru it . what got me over the mountain was my faith, and the fact I faced up to... I was the victim, the inocent one, and I had to stop being the victim and become the winner !!! You or I did not cause what happened, we did nothing to have it happen, it is NOT our faults... the person who hurt us is totally to blame... no matter who they are they are the villans, the wrong doer, the evil that took our child hood from us....... we can not turn back the clock but we can move forward...... if you feel you need prof. help, then get..... to heck with the other ppl, they are NOT the ones who had to live thru this night mare.... YOU DID and ARE !!!!!! I made the mistake of doing it all on my own, and I do NOT reccomend this for you... you are still young and have a WONDERFUL life ahead of you... so PLEASE, deal with this, get HELP and move forward... I wish you all the best and Gods spead... if you would like to talk more to me address a question on here directed to me........ ANNIE......... God bless
2006-10-30 16:41:25 · answer #1 · answered by Annie 7 · 7⤊ 0⤋
Wow....that must've been horrible for you. Especially by your dad. Let me first say that you have my condolences and prayers. First things first, it's not your fault what happened. No matter how you feel, you made the right choice by telling someone what your dad did. Even if very few people believed you, it was the right decision. Secondly, you won't ever forget. Those aren't things that are easily forgotten, you'll always be scared and nervous, because you don't want it to happen again. No doubt that you love your dad very much, but you feel a loss of trust, and you want to forgive him, but it's not coming easily. It's going to be hard, a lot of people won't believe you, and they're probably hurt too, and that's why they became all edgy on you. I think that you should give it awhile, if it's really bothering you, go talk to a counsellor, or someone who will listen and just allow you to pour out your fears and stuff. Maybe even consult a pastor, or a really close friend. All the feelings that are bottled up inside of you cannot be good in the long run. For now though, work on forgiving your dad, and working on mending your broken relationship. Be careful, and if it makes you feel more comfortable, don't be with him alone. Have someone with you to give you piece of mind. As far as being tired of pretending it didn't happen, I say, again, talk to someone who's not family. They'll listen and won't judge you for it. That way you get your feelings out, and you keep the healing relationship with your family! Hope this helps :) God bless.
2006-10-31 02:12:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very sorry to hear this story. I hope you do find comfort.
My first thought is to wonder why in the world your family would side with your dad. I would think if the details you gave were reasonable, they would agree with you. That is upsetting.
You would be risking your family, but to live as though this did not happen places a burden on you. I would make sure you have good support network (does your mom's side stay close?) before you act. But don't wait, or you will lose the will to act.
Are you thinking of pressing charges? If so, ignore the rest and go see a lawyer with the state's attorney's office. My preference is that he do some jail time. If not, continue...
Assuming you don't live with your dad, you need to bring up the subject. I'm sure this will be difficult. Confront him either in a public place or over the phone. Tell him you don't feel he has come to terms with this, and he needs to for the sake of both of you. Tell him you don't want to see him until he has (gone through therapy, etc.). Maybe you don't want to see him ever again. If so, tell him you hope he'll get treatment and good luck...
After you do this, talk to one person on your dad's side that you feel closest to, and explain what happened in your conversation with your dad. Tell them how you were young and didn't want to lose your family, but now that you're grown, you need to come to terms with this. You hope not to lose them, but will not ignore what happened.
I'm not sure if what I'm suggesting is the best thing. These are just ideas, since I've never faced something like this. God Bless.
2006-10-30 16:55:16 · answer #3 · answered by WJ 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to get closure on this terrible part of your life. While it is only a facet of your life it will have still left its mark on you as we are a sum of our experiences. It's not so much what has happened to you but how you deal with it & it sounds like it has been doing your head in a bit, as is to be expected.
Your dad is a sick sick individual & has been proven, if he did it to you there's a damn good chance that he will continue to do these awful things to other people. Denying what has happened will help no one & I would wager that it's just his familys way of coping because really - who wants to admit their relative is a child molester?
At the hopsital I don't understand why they didn't set the wheels in motion for you to get help with this & to actually have some intervention towards your dad. Regardless, this was a while ago now.
I'm glad at least your mum believed you - that has to count for more than anything does it not? Many sick people get away with more crimes they commit than should have ever happened because people are so afraid of rocking the boat & causing trouble & therefore more pain because no one at all believes them. You can't let this discourage you - keep tellling people until someone believes you & gives you some advice as to what to do now. It's incredibly brave of you to have told the people at the hospital as well as the people here - that's a hell of a lot more than most people ever do. I hope that now you will find some good resources & information. You shouldn't have to pretend that nothing happened, it's nothing for you to be ashamed of. You can hold your head high & say that you survived a terrible ordeal, you just need some direction now & this will make you stronger.
There's an old cliche about you can choose your friends but not your family. If they disown *you* for something *your dad* did then they have problems of their own which has little or nothing to do with you - it's up to them to work through their feelings & issues. Perhaps this side of the family is best out of your life or at least at a distance, if only for a while.
All I can suggest is perhaps seeing your GP & asking for a referral to some counselling services as they'll have the knowledge of the resources for your area so you can be pointed in the right direction to keep puttnig one foot in front of the other & moving forward - you owe it to yourself to get through this painful & all as it may be because without you feeling closure you'll always harbour this & you won't be able to live up to your best potential with this clouding over you.
I wish you all the best with this.
2006-10-30 18:40:47 · answer #4 · answered by shirazzza 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
See how easily we compromise ourselves! You need to stand up for your dignity and right to your opinions. If your family disregards your feelings and would disown you, don't you wonder then; how shallow their feelings ever were? I have the same worries but for opposite reasons. I would go find your Aunt and ask her "what did happen to her?" Then I would confront your Dad again. You do not have to suffer in silence! you are worthy of respect and love! And hey- what about other little ones out there? He didn't just wake up one morning and molest you. Be strong and know you are a child of God and were made for his unique purposes in this world. So do for the children out there now, what you can do, by speaking out, by confronting him and in so doing you shine girl! If your family doesn't recognize that they are blind. You are not like them, in that you are trying to deal with reality, they are hiding and harming every bit as much as your father did. Truth and love are the only things of value. What kind of relationship do you have without them? Good luck and God bless you
2006-10-30 17:15:01 · answer #5 · answered by Faerie loue 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi,
My name is Therese. I am also a survivor or childhood sexual molestation by a family member. the most important piece of advise I can possibly offer has been offered a few times already. Seek Therapy for yourself.
Unfortunately, this is something I chose after numerous attempts, to just try to put away.
It doesn't happen like that and I see I do not need to be the one to tell you that. (Big Step)
You have to heal. people will think you are being selfish, wanting to destroy the family etc...My words to you would be, "Who cares what they say?!" You are the one that has and will continue to suffer. You are very very right about the fact that it could happen to someone else. Not only that but it may already have. You are an adult now and life really sucks (sorry) but you need to think of NO ONE but yourself right now. Life is full of sacrifices and sometime it means losing people that we love. In these cases, it may be forever but chances are they will come around. It's time for you to STOP worrying about who's going to be affected. YOU HAVE BEEN! That's the focus right now. YOU!.
I know talk is cheap but if you truly want to heal, you have to take the steps and accept that people aren't going to like them. you have to accept that it may hurt a family (in their eyes). In mine and probably yours and many reading your story...This family is already hurt anyway.
Be SELFISH and take care of you!
No matter what, i am more than sure that there are many people on this site that would love to be a shoulder, me being one. I would love to talk to you and help you through as much as I possibly can.
Be the *STAR* of you own life and do not let anyone come in your way. Oh and CONGRATS!
YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!
Message me anytime and my thoughts are with you.
~T~
2006-10-30 16:55:50 · answer #6 · answered by ~*bUtteRFy~*~kISSeS*~ 4 · 5⤊ 0⤋
First of all I am so sorry to hear your story. You are really a brave girl and its admirable that you have forgiven your dad. To forgive is divine. Second you should not pretend that nothing has happened and now you are grown up and its your moral duty to make him realize in a very friendly manner that what he did in the past is a crime.
How these things effect whole prospective of life for the victim. Its good to keep family intact as long as he doesnt repeat the act in future.
So girl! Face the truth and find out ways to talk to him like bring up similar stories of the girls who had been a sufferer.
Ask for his opinion on these things and see what he comes up with...!!!Its advisable to seek psychiatrist's help for your dad.
Hope it will work slowly for you....
2006-10-30 16:48:48 · answer #7 · answered by Apoorvi . 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You shouldn't care about your family. It would be emotional in a dumb way to want to meet your family's wants after what they did to you. Your father was enough of a disgusting subhuman sex-crazed pedophilic beast to take advantage of his own thirteen-year-old daughter and that's not your fault. You're the victim here. You've suffered the sexual, and then the emotional and physical process of dealing with a crime someone committed to you for seven years. Instead of helping you in any way, your family made it much, much worse by calling you a liar and disowning you. That makes them almost as guilty as he is. So step one is to realize you don't need your family and that you're better off without them (especially since they seem to think they're better off without you) and step two is dealing with the consequences of that decision. Basically:
(a) The economic consequences. Are you in college? Do you have your own place to stay, like a private apartment or dorm room? Do you have a part-time job, are you capable of financing yourself? If not, you should immediately begin to work on it. Finding a job will be a challenge at first and you'll probably begin by earning minimum wage but it will be enough to live modestly and after a few months the money gets better. Maybe you can move in with a friend until you find your own place, but otherwise, you will have to wait until you have some savings, and then rent. Most colleges and universities have programs that can help you pay your tuition fees on your own, like need/merit-based scholarships, employment, loans, and other financial aid packages.
(b) The emotional consequences. You will go through a great deal of anger, depression, and most stingingly, guilt. You will feel as if your molestation wasn't that bad, as if your father couldn't help himself, as if you took things too far and 'ratted' him out and caused your family structure to fracture. That's all nonsense with no foundation in reality. It's just a set of psychological reactions. It's even got a name. You must keep this in mind, try to think as logically as possible, and stick to your friends and mother for all the emotional support you need. If that doesn't do enough, then like many other victims of molestation, you may need therapy. I live too far away to suggest any psychiatrists or other trained professionals, but it should not be hard to find a good one. Finally, there are many, many support groups for victims of molestation, rape, or incest throughout the States, and some of them may even help you with legal procedures against your father.
Once this has been done, you will be on the road to recovery and restarting a normal life. If I were you, I would go one step further and eventually get a prosecuting attorney and charge your father with child sexual abuse. He does not deserve sympathy, he deserves cold hard justice. But a trial would be exhausting and would have to be well-organized to work, so you should put off this idea until your feelings about it have improved, you're living on your own, and you have the support and the money for it. In a perfect world all sex offenders should be dead.
I'll do what I can to follow up with your problem if you need it. I wish you the best. God bless.
2006-10-30 20:41:00 · answer #8 · answered by Wanderer 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i was sexually abused for yrs as achild by my mums father im 30 now and still cant get over it.
i dont think you ever do truly get over it you just learn to deal with it.
my mum knew it was happening and did nothing to stop it.
yet she feels she did nothing wrong.
i no longer have anything to do with my mum because its the best way for me to deal with what happened.
you are lucky in the fact that your mum believes you and that you have her to help and support you.
you dont have to pretend that it never happened or stop talking about it as this will only damage you further because everything builds up inside you.
you werent trying to split up your family you were protecting yourself and others by speaking out.
your a stronger person than me for wanting to get your father some help i cant even forgive my mum.
i think the ony way to get your father the help he needs is to report him it doesnt matter how long ago it was you can still do it.
i know you will have to go to court etc and that will be so hard but in the end its the best thing as your father will not only be punished for what he did to you but it will get him the help he needs and will also stop him doing it to someone else.
who knows it may even make the rest of your family believe you.
although im not sure why you are so woried about them. you and your mum know what happened you know you are telling the truth and thats all that matters.
dont let the rest of your family screw up your life anymore do what is right for you.
you are the one who has to live with this everyday not them and if they aren't willing to support you then they aren't worth it.
well done for speaking out and continue to do so for your sake as well as others.
i wish you all the luck in the world you deserve it for being a survivor have a long and happy life and stay strong.
2006-10-30 20:40:02 · answer #9 · answered by rosierotweiller 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this issue in your life is not an easy thing at all. it wouldn't be that easy for you to just forgive and forget especially that the person who did this to you is your father.
i suggest that you get help from a therapist. i know that it is very costly but maybe you could find organizations that help women with this kind of issues and might be able to give you free therapy.
do you live somewhere in L.A. or Van Nuys? Have you heard of the program Free Indeed?
i wish you all the best.
2006-10-30 16:52:54 · answer #10 · answered by tanszkee 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋