Can an abuser forget that they've abused someone?

Question

I was sexually abused as a child by a 12 year old cousin, 30 years later I have confronted them and they have no recollection but are sorry for any pain they may have caused. Is is possible to repress those memories? I thought typically the abused would repress the memories?

Answer 1

Keep in mind that your cousin was 12 at the time. I assume you were younger, but he was still a child as well. Almost without fail, a child who abuses younger children was abused himself. It's particularly common for children who were abused over a long period of time by a close relative because they tend to normalize the abuse. The only way the can deal with being hurt by someone who is supposed to protect them is convince them self that what the abuser is doing is normal or ok. And by extension, that makes it ok to do it to a younger child, since that's what grown-ups are supposed to do (and any 12-year-old can tell you that 12-year-olds are all grown up). It's also common for abused children to take out their frustration and hurt by abusing something more vulnerable. The most common victim of this is a family pet, but they could also take it out on smaller children. Anyone they're stronger than. It's a way of regaining a little bit of the power their abuser has taken away from them.

For your cousin, the abuse he inflicted on you was probably a part of the same trauma he suffered through his own abuse. It can be even more traumatic for him to later realize that he became the thing he feared the most, he became his abuser and caused another child the same hurt he'd suffered. It's extremely common for people to repress traumatic memories, and sexually abusing another child would tend to qualify as a traumatic memory. Everyone processes trauma different, and so you and your cousin may deal with the event differently, and both ways can still be perfectly normal.

I don't expect that to justify what your cousin did to you, or in any way lessen the hurt it caused you. But perhaps it might help to think of it as that you were in a way an indirect victim of whatever adult abused your cousin, as much as a victim of your cousin.

Answer 2

It is quite possible for people to forget what they have done, if the experience was a bad one.

Repression, or repressed memories are a motivated form of forgetting in which an individual unconsciously blocks the memory of an event or experience because it is too distressing to remember the information.

Supression, or supressed memories is also a form of motivated forgetting in which individuals consciously keep the memory from conscious awareness and try to forget about it.

It is possible that your cousin has either one of these. If your cousin isn't lying about not remembering it, it could also be that they simply don't remember it not because of repression or supression, but for the same reason that everyone forgets what happens at some points in their childhood. People grow older, and they forget things, because it would be impractical to remember them all. They could have well forgotten it because they may not have realized they were sexually abusing you. (Depending on your individual circumstances.)

Whichever one it is, it is most likely repression or supression. I think it's more likely to be repression for a victim, and supression for an offender though.

That's just my personal opinion, because it can just as easily go either way.

Answer 3

Who cares, at the end of the day u will always remember him as an “abuser”.
If he is lying, so he won’t feel guilty and wants you to seem like a fool or even if it is the only way to make peace with his soul, REALLY who cares!!
No matter how much u dig, u will never find a relieving answer. The only thing u can do, is to have the upper hand in this situation. And u did the right thing by confronting him, also u can get him intimated by u, by looking him straight into his eyes every time he is talks to u or to any member of ur family. If he remembers what he did, then he won’t bear the look of ur eyes forever and he may come and apologize (except if he is a total numb pig!!). The apology is the real way of salvation to u and him too (most abusers don’t believe in it till they really apologize).
In case he really doesn’t remember, then enjoy practicing ur conversation skills on him.
So, always remember that he is one of the family members, so don’t over react nor do anything which may cause rumors to spread through the family, coz then u will feel horrible and feeling the need to explain urself ……etc, so always remember “the upper hand theory”.
Life is full of different sorts of abusers and it is our job to acknowledge the fact that they are messed up in their brains coz of something they went through, which is not our responsibility to deal with (as long u r not his shrink). But it is our responsibility to take the appropriate action if we got to know that a child is being abused.

By abusing a child, this child in future may be an abuser too. By the way not all abused children will become abusers in future, but all will suffer from psychological issues.
Children are god’s angels on earth, let us create a healthy environment for them to live in.
When we will grow old they are the ones to take care of us and of our grandchildren.

The abuse is like an evil seed being impeded into the victim’s heart. The seed grows to be an ugly tree that feeds on new victims and infecting them by the evil seed. It is a vicious circle and the victim can be anyone, as no one is safe. Let us all contribute into society by helping the victims to get the professional help and to help other to live in a secure environment.

Answer 4

People may repress any memories that are too painful to deal with.

As some of the others have suggested, it is probable that other things were going on with your cousin, as well.

However, truth be told, after you mentioned it to him that would generally trigger the memory.

I feel in my unprofessional opinion that denial was the easiest way for him to continue dealing with what is obviously difficult for both of you.

PROPS for confronting your problems. I wish you the best of luck in finding inner peace and resolution within yourself.

Answer 5

Registered Nurse here; This is a tough one, A 12 year old sexually abused you, how old were you? I honestly don't think I have the resources or knowledge to evaluate this question with accuracy. But it would seem to me that a 12 year old would remember, providing they are not compromised mentally. Furthermore it would be my guess, he does remember, but doesn't want to address the issue, therefore denied it to you. Again I'm no expert in this field. But I appreciate the opportunity to address such a sensitive question.

Answer 6

It may be possible that you cousin forgot but if at 12 they were abusing you it makes me wonder if it wasn't happening to them as well in most cases that is true in that age. I would look into it and for your sake I would also look into getting some professional help as well.

Answer 7

It's like selective memory. They push it out of their minds because they are ashamed. I'm surprised they even came around you at all. Twelve seems young to me to do that, but I've heard of it before. You will never forget it, but you can still lay it aside and have a happy life and go forward as you have.

Funny, but some people can't remember happy times either as I've found out. Who knows!

Answer 8

Most people who commit crimes, no matter how old they were at the time they did it, either don't remember or are innocent. The ones who are in jail already were framed by corrupt law enforcement, or they're incarcerated due to a case of mistaken identity.

In a word, your cousin is full of crap.

Answer 9

It is much easier for the abuser to forget about the event than the abused....It was not traumatic to the abuser , it may have meant
very little, and they simply do not remember it because it was not an important or memorable event...

Answer 10

He just doesn't want to face it. Proberbly feels guilty, and so he should. He is lying because he does'nt want to get into trouble. He was old enough to know right from wrong. I wouldn't give him the time of day if I was you