How do I get my 9 year old under control????

Question

Ever since my daughter's father died when she was 3, she has been out of control and I don't know how to regain it from her. Lately it's constant whining & fighting to get her to do anything she doesn't want to do and I am at my wits end. I have even considered sending her to a "boot camp" but all the ones I've found only take teens. Any suggestions on what I can do to make her listen & take more responsibilty for herself??

Ever since my daughter's father died when she was 3, she has been out of control and I don't know how to regain it from her. Lately it's constant whining & fighting to get her to do anything she doesn't want to do and I am at my wits end. I have even considered sending her to a "boot camp" but all the ones I've found only take teens. Any suggestions on what I can do to make her listen & take more responsibilty for herself??

All attempts at counseling have led to her "playing" the perfect child for them.

I've had her to counselors and they see the nice child with manners, etc. All of this misbehaving is pretty much on the homefront. She gets "Star Student of the Month" awards and excellent grades in school and hasn't even been written up for misbehaving on her school bus.

Answer 1

She is definitely do this for your benefit. She knows she will get anything she wants if she carries on - she knows which buttons to press and she knows that you are trying to compensate for her father and is using it against you, esp if she only does it for you. You have to be firm and give some sort of punishment is she starts again. I grew up with getting a couple of spanks if needed and I turned out alright. After all she is only 9 yrs old and very much a child. I don't know the circumstances of her father's death, but in an odd way she may be blaming you for it. Some counseling is definitely in order. But remember to be firm and learn to say no and stick to it - have some rules laid out as well as punishment for not following them and stick with it - you'll thank yourself later and she will turn out a much better person. Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

First, your daughter needs to know that you love her. Tell her often. Second, she needs rules that are enforced firmly, ALL the time every time, and consequences that she doesn't like for violations without any recriminations, I told you so, or any other comments. It's simple, you violate the rule, you lose X privilege for a relatively short time for a nine year old. But you must be firm and very consistent no excuses, no escape from the consequences.
She's doing her "thing" because the rewards (maybe just getting your goat or getting her own way) are greater than the consequences. If you cannon "see" the dynamics between the two of you, you may well need some help. It's a little hard to recommend a resource without knowing where you are. But the system briefly outline above works with very difficult kids in children's home where we work.

Answer 3

Clear expectations, consistency, consequences both positive and negative. I would suggest finding setting up a reward system for appropriate behavior. As someone who has worked with juvenile delinquent girls for the past nine years I would suggest that you do not send her to boot camp unless she is violating the law. In my experience kids can learn a great deal of negative behavior from other kids in places like detention/boot camp, particularly young girls. You may also want to consider getting involved with a family therapist or behavioral specialist.

Additionally, while her father's death has impacted her in some way her behavior may not be directly related to his death. She will need to work through his death, however. As someone who also lost her father at the age of 4. I am living proof that a parent's death does not mean a child needs to act out. Do not allow the behavior by making excuses for her. Talk to her about her Dad when she is ready and seriouslt consider counseling for your daugther.

You are taking the right first step by recognizing that there is a problem. Additionally, you may want to speak with the school guidance counselor to see if the behaviors are just at home or in multiple settings. The school might be able to help.

Answer 4

There are obviously some issue that she was not able to communicate when she was 3. Why have you waited 6 years to address her behavior? I can sympathize that sometimes when there is a sudden loss of a parent, the other parent can feel such loss that they sometimes overcompensate for the loss. It's good that you are trying to get a handle on this before she becomes a pre teen, they are almost impossible then. I would suggest talking to your childs school principle. Schools do have pyschologists if you cannot afford to pay privately. She really needs to voice what is going on, at this point I think a "kid boot camp" might only be masking a greater problem. Best of Luck.

Answer 5

Oh mom, I am sorry if this sounds harsh, your nine year old is out of control because as a 3 year old she was out of control. You both had a huge loss when she was three, and my guess is when you were trying to be kind, you indulged her and did not give her boundries because her dad died. If you do not get control of her now, you are going to have a 14 year old she devil on your hands. Set your boundries, never yell and make sure consequences are the same very single tiime. Start by moving everything in her room that plugs in (except maybe lamp) out of her room and use it as her big time out place. As she earns her stuff back she will learn you mean business. (If you want an hour of computer time homework is done, if you want your cell phone back no sassing for a week ) If you want her to speak politely, simply say this is the rule, this is the consequence and stick to it. If she whines about it give the next consequence and stick to it. No yelling no emotion just simple cause and effect. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Ah and one more thing, to allow a computer to be in a private area of the house is just asking for trouble. She should not be doing anything on line that cannot be done with you watching. Good luck to you!

Answer 6

She is with out a doubt seeking discipline from you. She misses her daddy in many ways, I am not sure about your family but in ours dad also lays down the law. Kids need this, especially girls at this age. Since dad is gone, you need to be able to switch gears, and try to play both roles, your current one, as the loving caring mommy, and the role of a disciplinarian. If you chose not to do this, your daughter will grow up extremely undisciplined which will haunt her the rest of her life. This is why mommies and daddies are so important together (I am so very sorry for your loss of your husband)

There is no reason for a 9 year old little girl to go to a boot camp. What she needs is to be seriously corrected, you can do this by spanking her, not giving her a few swats here and there, I mean a spanking.

OK here's what you do, the next time your daughter pulls this, tell her to go to her room, and that you will be up shortly to correct her bad behavior. leave her in there for a good 10 of 15 minutes. Then go in and explain what it is that she is in trouble for, next explain that this behavior has earned a spanking, finally make sure you sitting, lower her pants/panties and lay her across your lap, then give her at least 15 to 20 good sharp stinging spanks to the bottom. I know it sounds harsh, but this is what she is missing from dad, discipline/consequences. Give her a quick hug, then leave the room until she calms down. Then go have a long heart felt talk. She will listen to you with a new found respect. Be very open in your conversation. This dialog will strengthen your bond of trust together.

I know all of this may sound harsh, but I have found that you need a last resort of punishment to be a effective parent. Try everything else, give plenty of warnings, then follow through with the above spanking method, don't feel bad about doing it, will all the warnings and other methods tried first, SHE is making the choice for you.

If your really at wits end Please give this method a try before any boot camp. Feel free to email me for support should you need to.

Best of luck to you (once again sorry for your loss)

Answer 7

This is so very obvious. It has nothing to do with her father dying at the age of 3. It is how you handled the situation thinking she was much more fragile than she was. By now you probably have instilled all sorts of attachment issues in her that probably aren't reasonable. She also is smarter than you are and knows how to bend things her way to get what she wants, most likely using the non-verbal 'my father died' affect.

She needs her naughty bottom blistered and needs to know who is the parent and who is the child. Tell her that if she is not going to listen and do what she is told then you are going to have to start treating her like a little girl again. Then warn her that next time she misbehaves you are going to turn her over your knee and spank her bare little bottom like a baby.

And you must do it and stick to it. That's the problem, I bet, is inconsistency.

Mom she is playing you like a fiddle. SLOWLY read your own words that you wrote. Read them over and over again. She knows how to behave around the right people. She behaves around people she knows that she can not get away with such behavior.

She's still a little girl and has a lot of growing up to do. You need to spank her, not hard, but long with only your hand until she is crying and bawling sincerely (not faking it). As soon as your are done, you need to tell her in no uncertain terms this will happen again and again until she starts behaving. And then love her, but don't apologize for the spanking. You are loving her because she is going to do better and glad that now she understand how she is to behave. And I am certain she will test you a few times so get prepared to do this more than once.

Don't try to reason with her, that she behaves at school and not at home. She probably doesn't even know the reason. You need to get some guts about you mom. Even if you have to cry twice as much as she does while you are spanking her, you need to do it, in my opinion. This isn't just a simple issue of a "time out."

You were considering boot camp and that is for the kids that don't have parents strong enough to stand up for themselves. In a boot camp, they know who the child is and who the adult is. They also know the kid knows this as well. Mom, you don't.

I know of two instances where friends had to send their daughter to boot camp. Both were about 15 years old. It turned out to be a big waste of money and the kids are a mess. One is in jail and the other on dope (every day expecting the call that she is dead).

If you let this go by, boot camp will not fix it. While I only know of two instances, I know one that said the number of girls she was with that has slipped up since getting out. It sounds like most of them don't make it regardless what statistics the boot camps put out. And surprise, oh surprise, the boot camps that are set up for the most unruly children incorporate corporal punishment.

I say do it now before it is too late.

Answer 8

Never and i mean NEVER put them in boot camp. It just builds neglection. So i would probably do some activities like, a competion, whoever gets done with their chores first, gets candy, ( remember to go slow for her so that she will have the most fun by getting candy all to herself.) And if the candy is right before dinner, tell her you will give it to her after dinner for dessert. Keep doing that and she will learn responsibility. About the outta control thing, cant help ya there. Call supernanny!!

Answer 9

She needs to have some counseling. If this behavior started from the loss of her father she may not have been able to deal with it effectively.

If you were willing to send her to boot camp then spend the money and take her to a therapist. Children's continual disobedience comes from some kind of trauma, she obviously needs help. You can also ask her why she acts the way she does

Answer 10

You need to discipline your daughter and don't be afraid to say no. Let her know who is i control and you have the final word. She is nine and out of control, i do not know how you feel about spanking, im not talkn abuse, but hey! a whoop on the butt may help. and take things from her that mean alot to her. like a toy, or she cannot watch tv. i would also recommend counseling, she could be angry inside about her father, even though she was three years old hun, she misses her daddy and sees others with both parents around her. this could be affecting her mentality and she takes it through rage, and not listening to you. i hope this helped. and you are in my prayes, everything will get better , have faith and stay strong for your daughter and yourself. God Bless