Last night was sad, and unfortunately not too uncommon. (it isn't an every day thing, but still... it happens a few times a month and I wish i could help.)
My daughter and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. In it, a man put his life in danger to save a girl. My kid bursted out crying. I thought maybe the scene was too scary. When I tried to comfort her, she said she wished that her dad loved her that much.
He has not lived with us since 2003. He wants to, but I will not allow it. He is an alcoholic, and he has proven himself to be dangerous when he drinks. He has been to rehab, but I have still caught him drinking and been told that he makes threats behind my back. I do encourage him to see her sometimes with my supervision, but she just can't understand and I don't know what to do.
I tell her that her father loves her. He wants to be with us, but when he drinks beer he does not think straight. Then she asks why can't we just take away his beer so he will be better.
2006-10-30 09:22:37 · 9 answers · asked by Michelle 7 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Wow. Y'all have some great answers coming in! I wanted to put more details earlier but yahoo has a 1000 character limit. I am considerint therapy, but my daughter is very shy around strangers. I have tried telling her that her dad is sick, but she things that "sick" means you get better. The truth is, he doesn't want to admit to his problems. He said the right things to get out of rehab, but he didn't mean them.
Someone asked how violent he is... A friend of mine got hurt a few times defending me when he got mad or "playful." He said he wanted to go to rehab so I didn't call the cops. But then he said he could quit on his own - he didn't. The night we officially broke up, I got a broken wrist and several smaller injuries and a policeman got broken ribs keeping my child safe. And my ex still says that he did the right thing that night! He think sthat he is the victim. My daughter did not even want to have anything to do with him for months. Now... She just wants him to express love.
2006-10-30 11:44:32 · update #1
That is a tough one.
I would suggest you have your child talk to a child Psychiatrist. I know you probably think she is too young. You need to make sure she understands that it is not her. Her self-esteem will suffer if she is not made to understand that he is who he is and does not love her any less, but he is ill. Plus she needs to be around a good solid paternal figure, be it your father, brother, etc. etc. It is important so she can develope heathy relationships later on in life.
Good luck
2006-10-30 09:30:15 · answer #1 · answered by hsp_goddess 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
my mom tried to explain to me why my father wasnt around, he too was an alcoholic. At that age there isn't much to say that they can grasp on a level to which makes it clear. Looking back, I would have appriciated her reminding me that I didn't cause it, I was always feeling that if I were better he could come home, or that I had done something to make him want to leave. The thing that I honestly believed helped the most was her telling me that no matter how much he liked to drink, in his heart he loved me more, and that when he wasn't there she would love me enough for both of them. I hope that helps some, and I want you to know that I thinks its wonderful that you incourage her to see him and bond with him. My dad told me years later that he drank because he couldn't see me and it caused a horrid cycle to start that he never could get out of.
2006-10-30 17:31:33 · answer #2 · answered by Playful_Pandora 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Explain that Daddy is very sick, that he has a disease and is working very hard to get well, so he can be with her more. Explain that you are there for her, and you will be extra careful to meet her needs. Do not blame the beer--that may make her irrationally afraid of alcohol later. Alcoholism is a disease.
God bless all three of you!
2006-10-30 17:26:59 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You did the right thing by moving out and getting away from the man! What to say? that is tough, and you might want to think about therapy for your daughter. Also, Al-anon might be good for you, in that the people their might give you help in helping you answer your daughters questions.
Seriously, you are on the right path, keep up the good work, and keep getting good advice from the right people!
Good Luck!
2006-10-30 18:00:24 · answer #4 · answered by brian c 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I went thorough the same thing with my kids. They wanted to know why grandma was mean to them, and why she couldn't come to see them. Try to explain that he loves her, but drinking makes him sick, and until he gets better he can't come over. I know it's hard to see her sad, but just assure her of how much you BOTH love her. I would also talk to her dad about this. Tell him how much he is breaking her heart. That may push him to get help. Keep being strong, for the both of you. Don't feel bad for doing the right thing. GOD BLESS
2006-10-30 17:35:20 · answer #5 · answered by purpledragonflyjrh 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Wow, a four year old saying such things...amazing! You can only explain something to a child on their level...i.e.
my foster childs mother is not allowed to call the house anymore because she is in time out...that is all he understands is that his mommy did something wrong and the judge (who he calls mommies boss) put her in time out and told her she couldn't make phone calls.
2006-10-30 17:26:45 · answer #6 · answered by Mom to Foster Children 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You definitely need to read this book. It is called: The Family by John Bradshaw. It will so help you and your daughter.
2006-10-30 17:57:01 · answer #7 · answered by sally 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you should make it a point to set up many more meetings with her father on a consistent basis.
You need to have a heart, being an alcoholic is VERY common.
My husband is an alcoholic, a jolly one. How violent IS your husband precisely?
MY HUSBAND WOULD THREATEN ME TOO IF I TOOK HIS KIDS AWAY FROM HIM AND WOULDN'T ALLOW HIM TO SEE THEM!!!
I know you feel justified because being a drug addict is bad in this society and everyone should be patting you on the back right?
but let me tell you strait up, you are doing NO service to your child.
You are hurting her, and maybe she won't like the way YOU raised her and she will tell you so in about ten years.
So you should get on the ball, swallow your pride and be a bit more open house with the dad. __he is after all, her FATHER!
Has he got a lawyer and taken you to court? he should.
2006-10-30 18:01:32 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 5⤋
yea! take away the beer. let him drink only like 3 times a week if u have to.
2006-10-30 17:26:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋