Using bipolar disorder as an excuse?

Question

I had an ex who is bipolar. I put up with his episodes for 4 yrs before I finally gave up. Time and time again I've forgiven him for his actions because like he's said, I "have no idea what it feels like...". Was I right to sympathize, or did I get walked all over? I'm trying to figure out if the bipolar was just his excuse for acting like a jerk, or if it was truly uncontrollable. I've read up a lot on bipolar, but still havent been able to get a concrete answer. I'd especially like to hear from those who are bipolar. He says he needs a friend now... what do I do? =/

He has been professionally diagnosed with bipolar. He's tried many medications. Most did not work for him, and he has frequent cycles(multiple times a week). The one drug that did help a bit was Zyprexa. But he was prescribed a very large dosage (40mg, I think). It totally drains him. If he lowers the dosage, the bipolar overpowers the medication. Plus, he's scared of the side effects. This drug has had many lawsuits. He's been on and off it. Sadly, there is no middle ground... he's either at one polar extreme or another. No, I dont plan on being with him again. If anything, we'll just speak on the phone. As much as I'd love to help him out, being there for him drains me...

Answer 1

Hi
If your ex is doing nothing to treat his disorder then you need to step back. It's like any other illness - if you do nothing then you cannot expect others to readily help you. I think the best way I could describe the feelings would be:

1 Depression :
Imagine the worst heartache in your life (Loss of someone) then multiply that times infinity. Everything around you could be perfectly fine, but the feelings of sadness and loneliness are over whelming. Imagine feeling this way all day every day and you are at a loss for trying to explain it to people even those closest to you.And.. no matter how you try you cannot snap out of it. It's much like having a nightmare where you are screaming and noone can hear you - this could be one way of describing the depression portion of bipolar. Now for the manic side..

2. Manic -
Manic makes us feel as though we have boundless energy drive and stamina. It drives us no matter what it is we decide to do.The worrisome part is what we do while we are manic. Some people clean, some people party, some people start major projects -
Manic happens and it seems as though we didn't even realize it until we are depressed again. It's much like blowing up a baloon really fast then popping it.

I will say that like anything else people can use their illness to manipulate others. If you love this person and you want to continue then you must set rules and boundaries and you must not waiver. He does need friends - don't we all? You don't have to act on anything just listen. Encourage him to go to support groups and go with him if you wish. Sometimes seeing that you are not alone in this and seeing that others have the same issues helps a great deal. You don't feel as singled out.

I have no idea how old you are or what your life has entailed, but I will tell you woman to woman to reflect on the past when something was causing you great discomfort and misery ( child birth, period, PMS) and the reactions you received when you complained about this to someone.Did you ever feel frustration in trying to explain your pain and nobody showed much compassion? For so long these issues were thought to be "In our heads" and we now know they are not.

To determine if he was ill or simply being a jerk in the past is pointless. What is important is the present and how he treats you now. As I said, you must set rules and boundaries but aslo do this with the assistance of a therapist. A lot of us do not know how to set rules and boundaries or how to enforce them.


I wish you luck and I am happy to talk anytime you need.

Answer 2

i am not bipolar but i know a few who are :) u dont give enugh information on what you bf did exactly in this way we could tell if it a behaviour because of the disorder or something else. but i have one question, are u sure about the diagnosis??? since u have read a lot about it u will know the symptoms of bipolar disorder, well these symptoms should have nothing to do with u, being with a person who is depressed one time and euphoric the other may be disturbing but i would not interpret it as if someone is walking over me, so i guess u are refering to something else, some other kind of behaviour. of course any kind of mental illness may be so stressful for a person that may act in a way that is not so nice, but then again i would not take this seriously because i would know it is due to the illness. Anyway, I suggest that u will get a better answer if u are more specific, give an example, what behaviours make u doubt?

Answer 3

Bipolar is not an excuse, it is a very serious mental illness with a very high suicide risk. The alternating depressions and manias cause the sufferers' perception of reality to become badly distorted and this leads to huge relationship problems if untreated.

I have wrecked almost every relationship I have been in, and my bipolar has probably cost me most of the jobs I've ever had as well.

Without medication, bipolar worsens over time. With the correct medications, the symtoms can be managed very well. 40mg of Zyprexa will sedate an elephant, BTW, so I'm not surprised he had a hard time on it - I take 10mg and that's wonderful for me.

What you do is your call. You know the nature of the beast, so it depends on how well his meds are working. If he is off meds, then it will be a rough ride.

Answer 4

I am Bipolar and have been for 15 years, since I was a late teenager. There were times that I was totally out-of-control and I hurt some people , when I was younger.

Truth is...when you are manic, you don't know it. And if people get in your way, they are seen as "the enemy"

BUT BUT BUT.....the important thing is that it is the person's responsibility to take care of themselves, so that they are not constantly "hurting others." That means being properly medicated and getting the proper therapy or hospitalizations that one needs.

After my brief flings with going off my meds, I recognized that I need to be on them to be stable and not hurt others.

Were you being walked over??......If he did not take the responsibility to take his meds and take care of himself, I would say Yes.

Answer 5

I'm not bipolar, but I am very close to someone who is. Is your ex on meds? If not he needs to be. Did a doctor diagnose him? Or did he self diagnose?
My friend is doing much better now that he's on medication, his episodes are fewer and he can think more normal.. I hope your ex seeks help soon, and I hope you know you did all you could. Good luck to you both.

Answer 6

Bi polar disorder is horrible if uncontrolled by medication!!
If he won't take his meds right he was acting like a jerk..but if never sought help, and started on meds after you broke up, there is still hope for him!\
It's almost impossible to live with an un-medicated bi-polar person, unless you are one too!

Answer 7

this is a difficult situation, especially with someone you love. my mother is bipolar and i grew up with her manic and depressive episodes my entire life. it can be distressing; i have gone through countless hours of therapy to learn how to deal with it.

once during her manic episode, she walked out on my dad and never wanted to come back. it is ending now in a nasty divorce and is terrible.

i felt so bad for my father, knowing he loved her with all his heart, but he also knew that being with her was unhealthy both for him and my siblings and i.

i was so mad at her for two years. we didn't speak at all because i felt that she was using her bipolar disorder to excuse her behavior throughout the marriage and the divorce.

as a young child i would see her and not know why she was acting the way she was. she would physically and verbally abuse me and i had no idea why--i just thought i was being "bad" and blamed myself for her actions.

at this point in time, my parents are going through the divorce proceedings and finally ending the marital struggles once and for all; i am so relieved because it is what i have wanted for many many years now.

in all, i can say that i am proud of my father for staying by her side through a lot of ****, but i am also a little mad at him for waiting so long. i am no longer angry with her, but i do not talk to her or see her anymore now that i am at college.

i do not know if this is helpful at all but i know what you are going through a little bit. if you want to have contact with him, set him up, or assist him in finding a specialist and get him on some medication.

i wish you both the best of luck and i am here if you would like to chat about it further.

Answer 8

Mental illness isn't an excuse for behavior especially for one who knows of one's illness. Medications help, but more importantly, a willingness to get better helps. One must be willing to help oneself. Your decision to leave was the right one. Nobody gets motivated to make real changes without real consequences.

Answer 9

bi-polar is not an excuse it just...is- but that doesnt mean you have to except it and live with it... that can destroy you too.... if he needs a friend and you feel up to it be a friend.... but it may just be depression ... if you go back to him it will be the same thing i guarantee it.... my x was also bi-polar he would kick me out and then cry and beg for me to come back... please be careful!!

Answer 10

I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, it is hard to control unless you work at it. I first found out in my early 20's when I was partying all the time. You need to eat healthy, exercise, not drink alcohol , and take your meds. If you eat healthy and don't drink you can control it without meds.