family problem?

Question

i would not usually write a question like this out of embarrasment but i would feel better if people could tell me their views on this matter.

i am 20. i am currently going to college and i will graduate in a year and a half. I currently live in my parents apartment and can not move out until i get the job i am majoring in. I currently work part time in my school but that money goes only for my transportation and school related things. Lately i have been having a really hard time at home. I do not get along well with my father. We are always at each others nerves due to the fact that our home is small and he basicallly has always had to dominate over every aspect of the home, it is often overwhelming. My mom often sides with me over some of the fights we have but tells me that i have to put up with it until i move out. i have always had some resentment and pent up hate towards my father for many reasons, i am often not at home but when i am i am never in a good mood.

i guess my question would be what would you do in my situation, what can i do to calm myself down when i become upset over my living conditions. Only polite answers please.

for whisper v: Sorry but i am paying for my own studies, always have been paying for many of my own things. I had to wait until college to get myself a computer, decent clothes and even much needed braces because he never provided me with things i needed.

Answer 1

fair play to you girl for standing on your own two feet and doing it yourself you should be really proud of yourself as should your parents me.
dads can be a really pain in the *** mine was.
i think you should try and stay out of your dads way as much as poss when your at home that way there is less chance of getting into a fight with him. if he does try and start a fight do your best to rise above it and walk away i know its easier said han done.
the time will soon come when you can move out then you can tell your dad what a **** he is and that he should be proud of you instead of having a go at you all the time, and anything else you wish to tell him while your at it.

keep up the great work.

Answer 2

I first have to say that I am very proud of you for taking on such a large responsibility of working your own way through college.
I would try to find a better paying part time job. Maybe talk with the career counselor at school to see if their is a position in my major. You could also move in to a dorm or get an apartment with friends and share expenses. If it is not possible financially to move, getting more hours at work will keep you from being at home so much or spend that extra time at the library. My mom always took my side too then agree with my dad after the arguments. It was rough, but I tried to stay away from the house as much as possible for my own sanity. This eased a lot of stress.

Answer 3

Oddly enough I've had similar problems with my father. I've never been able to figure out if it was part of his nature or his upbringing due to the time he matured. There's a certain age group of men who are still in 50s mode.

The first thing I can think to tell you is that you have to make yourself happy no matter what. But I'm wondering who has made the decisions about your living arrangements. If you want, you could hit the corporate world full time and make more money in order to have a residence away from a controlling influence. However, I've learned that sometimes a controlling father isn't completely out of the park. Sometimes parents need you to seem respectable because it reflects on their ego. I know it sounds stupid but I'm from teenage parents and I feel like they needed to control me to prove that they weren't stupid when they got together and had me, like I wasn't a mistake. I say bump that. I'm here for many reasons, just as you are and some of these reasons stand far outside your parent’s scope.

Consider what your house looks like. If you don't want to be there because you don't like the appearance, find parts that you do like and spread them slowly. No one's telling you to paint the house pink because you don't like the siding but there are little things you can do to make the places you spend the most time most comfortable for you. And then be firm with your father about your tastes. Try this, change something and don't ask permission. You're not a child anymore and you have the right to your opinions. You just don't have the right to control his life. If he sees the change around him as change to him truthfully he's showing signs of being co-dependent and sadly immaturity.

Look at it this way; a year and a half really isn't that long in the scope of things. Unfortunately, if you consider the reality of things it may be a little longer than that, just because it's not always easy to get a job in your chosen field directly after your graduate. That which would help you most now is changing your attitude. If you want to consider yourself maturing you won't need your mother to back you up when dealing with your father. You're enough to be strong for yourself.

In the end what I ended up doing is demanding respect. There's no such thing as earning respect. It should be automatic, but sometimes people feel more comfortable placing you and when you're young you don't think you have control, and children in general we're taught that someone else always has control. It just not true. I'm not telling you to throw tantrums and fall out in the middle of the floor. But when you have situations that you feel you have all your stuff together then there's no reason to support your feelings.

Just remember to always be respectful when dealing with him and not to let the past control how you behave now.

Answer 4

You are not alone, a lot of girls/boys face such situation.One thing which i want to tell you here is that, whatever you are today,is because of your family.Your father does sound dominating, but understand,he must have worked hard to build the house you are in and also pay for your studies.You may not understand him today, because he has not extended a friendly hand to you, but i am sure one day you would realise that your father did a lot for you. Coming to ur actual question, Engage yourself in house chores,put on a discman or ipod if u have one to distract urself from the disturbance in the house.also,try to talk to your father in a polite way, express to him about how have been feeling. Take help from your mom.This is a fixable issue.Trust urself.Runnibg away from home/father is not the solution.dont misbehave when ur father is angry or demands something. do as he says for a while,you will see a difference, which would provide you the space needed to intiate friendly discussions.

Answer 5

Either you can move out and go to school part time, and get a full-time job...But you have it made staying at home...I've been in your exact situation while in school, but I was living with my mom. Your father probably feels that you don't appreciate him or he's upset for the fact that he can't help you out as much as he would like to so that you wouldn't have to work. However , get to the root of why you resent and have bitterness toward your father and be real with yourself. Ask God to help you... While you're under your parent's roof, they do have the say so, you just have to respect their rules, even if you disagree with them. If you move out, it will be much harder, and you will have to work twice as hard..not to mention if you get a roomate (only the Lord knows) what kind of person you're going to have living with you...and you will end up in a worst situation than you're already in. Do you understand?

Answer 6

Just tell yourself it's only 1 more year and then you'll be on your own. Right now it seems you're stuck living at home until you get through school. Just be thankful you have a free place to stay right now. Stay as busy as you can and spend as little time as possible at home. Unfortunately, it is his home so you are stuck with him and his rules until you can afford to be on your own. It will go by fast...hang in there until then.The only other thing you could do is get another job making more money and save it til you have enough to move out.

Answer 7

He is going to be your father for as long as you live. Long after he is dead and gone, he will still be your father. There is no time like the present to make an effort to forgive. He may seem to be completely insensitive, but somehow he is still there. He may have even left, but somehow he is there now. He may be a complete jerk, but there must be something redeeming about him.
Using that as a starting point, no matter how small, find a way to find a point of respect and forgiveness and try to communicate with him. Hate is a poor basis for life. The longer you live with it, the longer it grows. In twenty-thirty years, it will be all you have of him. If you forgive, you may find that there is more of him to have.
Maybe you can come to terms with him. When you do,it will be for your sake.

Answer 8

well when you feel upset take a walk just to cool down, in the mean time maybe you should write your feelings in a journal they say letting it out (even on paper) can help,also talk to a family member (not your mom) someone that is not going to play fav with either one of you and have a sit down with them and your father ,also make a list of things you want to get off your chest for the sit down ,be open and honest about your feelings , and make sure to take the time out to listen to his , you may end up with a better relationship , if that does not work then see if you can move in with a family member or a good friend

hope things work out for you sometimes us parents forget what it is like to be your age ,my prayers are with you

Answer 9

Move out. Yes it will be hard, but you can get a couple of roommates, apply for some financial help at school. There are things to do if you are really that unhappy. Dad won't change, and it is his house.

Answer 10

Maybe you should try just talking to him about why the two of you don't get along. Its not gonna get any better if you don't. Just talk. Maybe you can talk the problem out.