How do I talk to my fiancee about the children we hope to have in the future?

Question

My fiancee and I both love children, and want them very much. He is sterile, so we would have to use artificial insemenation or in-vitro fertilization. Adoption is also a possibility, though I'd like to be pregnant someday.

One complication keeps arising- I don't think I want any male children. I don't understand boys; I have no idea where they're coming from. They're not cute, they're messy, they get in far more trouble, etc. I love girl children, and can hardly wait to have my own little girl. Girls are cute, and far more easily understood. Being a girl, I think I could raise a girl better than I could raise a boy. I find nothing appealling in boy children, and wouldn't like to have to suffer for nine months to produce one. My fiancee wants boys as well as girls, and I just don't know how to tell him about my feelings. It's not fair for me to doom him to a lifetime of no boy children, but I don't know how I would deal with a son.

So you know- I'm a teenager. I don't know much about children. If you think I'm wrong about boys, youre probably right. If you can give details as to why boys are enjoyable to raise, I would appreciate it.

Answer 1

Wow, there's a lot to cover here :)

First off, as much as people will chew your head off for saying you don't want boys, I can relate to the desire to raise a daughter because I think I'd relate to girls better. However, I will basically guarantee to you that it is going to be nearly impossible for you to be displeased after the birth of any gender of child you have. You WILL learn to relate to your own children, even if they are boys. I promise you that.

And, your soon-to-be husband probably already feels a strong ability for becoming attached and relating to boys. He is going to be your partner, he will teach you how to bond. Marriage is going to be a learning experience for both of you - you will undoubtedly teach him things about life, and you will learn things from him as well. You are going to be a team, so it's not like you are going to be alone with a baby you cannot relate to.

Young children in general are messy and prone to getting into things, this is not a gender-specific issue. Seriously, ALL CHILDREN ARE MESSY. There's no such thing as a polite and 100% clean baby. I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say that you've probably had some sticky situation with younger boys that basically made you gasp and hope that you never have to deal with it. Girls are perfectly capable of being little terrors as well, though. You feel like you will relate better to them because you've already been a young girl and you know how they think - this is normal. But, your fiance has already been a young boy, and I guarantee that he will be able to give you some insight.

Now, you are mentioning a bit of a communication issue in your relationship. It may not be so much that you don't feel comfortable talking about it, but you just don't really know how to bring it up yet. Pre-marital counseling can help solve issues that you were not even aware you had. Get this straight though, it doesn't mean that your relationship is not strong, but a counselor will ask questions to each of you that you may not even think to ask. You can get everything out in the open so you don't have surprises down the road.

Alrighty, so all in all, you really just need to relax and trust in your relationship. You and your fiance love each other and things will work out for you in the end. Just calm down and trust in God, fate, mother earth, etc - anything you believe in, trust it to provide you with a loving and fulfilling life.

Answer 2

WOW - there are so many things i wanna say & im not sure you will like it...

Your life is your own, but i would question why you are engaged in your teens. I would also question why you think it so darn easy to adopt a baby - let alone select the gender - are you megga rich & gonna go abroad to adopt??? If your fella is infertile then you should be looking at using a sperm donor & having the baby yourself, in which case money can mean you have more chance of having the girl you want, but there are still no guarantees & many places will refuse your request since its not medically rooted - selecting gender is an unrealistic hope.

I gather since your fella knows hes infertile he has also acccepted that any child he raises will never be biologically his... I doubt he will be fussy about the gender & besides, most men want a son.

About that boy thing you have going on... I hope your views change in time, sure as a female you may think you can better relate to a girl & therefore better raise her, but you will actually be raising a child - not a girl or boy, this child has the same needs regardless of gender; love, attention, stimulation, support, etc. There is no place for stereotyping in raising children unless you want some very mixed up children costing you a fortune in therapy later on.

I wonder where your sexist views came from? I can only guess they come from lack of experience, the want for a sister/friend relationship with a daughter, or perhaps even a negative experience of boys...

I have four sons - they are clean, caring, dressed so darn cute & great to chat to & have fun with. I was actually the opposite to you - i wanted only boys - probably because i had only sisters - & i guess i was lucky that boys were what i got, but i can honestly say that when the time came for me to try for a baby i did so not caring what i would end up with. Nore do i care what my next baby will be whenever we decide to have it... Actually i do care, i think another boy would fit in with our family better - but im sure a girl will fit in aswell.

Ive worked with children for over 10 years now & will happily tell you that when they are babys gender makes no difference, when they are tots boys are cuter as the girls look a bit odd with no hair but the girls are easier to potty train, when they are young children the girls screaching hurts your ears, whereas the boys insist on finding gross things to play with. In later childhood girls are already bitchy or conivingly cutsie whereas boys are genuinely wonderful. However during the teens they are both hard work - in different ways.

Generally speaking a daughter is closer to her mother as an adult once she has had children herself whereas a son as an adult will always be slightly detached yet always concerned & on hand if actually asked.

Answer 3

Are you sure that you want to be a parent? I am not being judgmental, I swear. But if you feel that you only want to deal with a girl then you are going to run into a problem.

You may want to talk to a therapist, because I sense issues with your relationship (or non-relationship with your father). Please talk to someone before you attempt to have any children. you do not want to give birth to a child you may in the end resent.

You should tell your fiancee how you feel. Maybe you just feel that you can relate better to a girl. But girls are not always all sunshine and light. They are more moody and hormonal then boys. You could always wind up with a tom boy for a daughter too. She may love sports, like to play in the dirt, etc. etc.

You need to find out why you have an adverse reaction to raising a son.

In my opinion, son's tend to be very protective of their mothers. Sometimes even more affectionate with them.

Whether boy or girl, keep in mind a child is a blessing to be treasured.

Answer 4

You shouldn't have children- It's one thing to hope for a girl- it's another thing to say they are not cute- theor messy etc.. I don't think you "suffer" nine months and have a boy- I think you are blessed boy or girl. So what- if you had a boy you would hate him for his entire lifeb/c you wish he was a girl? Maybe it's a good thing your fiancee is sterile b/c there are some people in this world that just should not have kids.

Answer 5

I did not think that I would do well with boys either. My first child was a girl......and when I got pregnant with my first son, I did not have the same feeling I did about boys before I was pregnant with him. Now, I have 2 boys about 11 months apart, and they are just amazing.
There is a bond that we share, that is so much different than the bond that my daughter and I share. I can not explain it, but it is just something that gets to your heart.....and you do not even see it coming!

Boys are cute...not in that "girly way" that I think that you are referring to, but cute none the less. There is nothing like the cute faces that only they can make....and when they tell you that they love you, hug and kiss you.....it just melts your heart. And just wait until they say "Mama" for the first time.......

All my kids are messy. My daughter (in her skirts and dresses even) can get just as messy, if not more, than her brothers combined. She is a tomboy in a skirt. There is no guarantee with girls that they will all love pink, ruffles, lace, and dresses. My daughter would rather be in jeans just so she can get dirty.

If you put kids in stereotypes, you will be in for a rude awakening. Kids are kids, and their personalities are as different as their genetic makeup.

As for the "dealing with" boy children, you "deal" just by loving them. There is really something to be said about that bonding and love after child birth. It just happens. Whenever it happens, it just happens...it is something that you do not even have to think about.

Answer 6

You don't understand boys because you haven't raised any but it's surprising when you have a boy that is from birth how you come to understand them as well as you do girls. I was much like you - relating to girls, knowing what made them tick and even buying presents for male relatives was hard and then we got a little boy and now I find that I delight in his differences more than I ever would have realized.

Answer 7

Don't take this wrong, but how are you not gay? You seem so against males. I was nervous about having a son as well, but trust me, you will learn what to do. What you don't understand about them, your husband will. After all he IS a man. I would sit him down and talk to him though. Explain your concerns. I don't think it's fair to ask a man not to have a son. Plus, I'm sure you will feel differently about it if it were YOUR son. I have a hard time with other kids, it's not that I don't like them, but when it's your own, you feel soooo different. I think ALL women feel like this. You will learn what to do! Just a tip though, be careful when you change their diaper, they can't aim well. LOL

Answer 8

You sound extremely immature. You take what you get. There is no foolproof method to get a boy vs. a girl. It's 50/50.Get over it. If you have a boy, you'd love it just as much as a girl. Children aren't dolls that you dress up to be cute and never get messy. ALL kids are messy. Not every girl wears dresses and not every boy plays in the mud. Get over it ! You sound like an idiot! I have a boy and wouldn't trade him for the world! He is my pride and joy and I don't feel like I SUFFERED just to have to DEAL with a boy. I would have been just as happy with a girl. This proves what I have always said that STUPID PEOPLE SHOULDN"T PROCREATE!!

Answer 9

I didn't want a boy either, I only wanted girls. I had a daughter and then became pregnant again. I KNEW it was a boy and after the ultrasound confirmed it, I'll freely admit, I broke down in the bathroom because I didn't want one. After his birth, I held him in my arms and STILL I felt I loved my daughter more than I loved him. That stayed with me for....2 days. Then I realized I loved him as much as I love her. He's now 1 and I couldn't imagine life without him--not without a baby, but without HIM. I hope you give boys a chance...though understand I felt the exact same way you did...drooling, snotty noses, etc. I thought it was all boys, but mine is clean, cute, and cuddly.

Answer 10

You have no idea what you are getting into with little girls. Boys are more dependent and easier to train until they start school. Girls are stubborn and insist on having things THEIR way. The only advantage to having a girl is they are easier to potty train. In all other areas, boys are easier.