ands two weeks later I also found out I was going to have a baby, well, I had a miscarraige at 11wks. She just gave birth to her son a few days ago. I guess my question is, am I evil for not being completely happy for her? And feeling like (even though I know she isnt) shes rubbing it in that her pregnancy didnt end?
How can I deal with this and not seem cold and heartless?
2006-10-30 04:29:14 · 21 answers · asked by that.one.girl 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
You need to realize that it happened for a reason. Right now, you are still grieving - this is where the anger and lack of happiness for your friend come from, but in time you will accept it and understand it was God's way.
Keep trying again, sometimes the second shot's a charm.
2006-10-30 04:35:02 · answer #1 · answered by ManOfTheHour 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's an honest & natural reaction to be upset that your baby didn't make it full term while hers did. Sort of the "why me" syndrome. I lost a baby at almost 4 months, so I understand where you are.
She's probably not rubbin it in - it's just that right now you're hyper-sensitive to the situation. Perhaps take a break from your friend - after all, she's going to be totally wrapped up in her baby & new mom's tend to blather on & on about their little bundles.
It grates on your nerves, I'm sure - so back off a bit until you're feeling better. Express your happiness for her, without bitterness. If you don't feel yourself getting better, please find a counselor to help you. You're grieving & you have to understand that that is a serious part of the healing process. Good luck my dear & hang in there -
2006-10-30 12:40:11 · answer #2 · answered by pumpkin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would sit down with her. It is normal for you to feel the way you do, and maybe explaining it to her would help. She has to understand how hard it would be, and cut you some slack. I would think after some more time, the pain might ease up a little. Actually the same thing just happened with me, my friend and I had our first kids, 2 months apart and lol, it happened again! She was about 2 months ahead of me, and she miscarried about 3 weeks ago, and I am 12 weeks now. I understand it will be hard for her, and I never talk about the pregnancy unless she asks something. Good Luck!
2006-10-30 12:36:35 · answer #3 · answered by angie_laffin927 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I had a miscarraige at 4 weeks, that's how I found out I was pregnant. The instructor at our (I'm a nanny for a 6 month old) gym class just found out she was pregnant, and it killed me. Being there for that hour is so emotionally draining for me. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. If I were you I would be honest with her. Let her know how much it still hurts, and if she needs you feel free to call, you're still there for her, but you just can't be around the baby situation right now. That way she won't feel bad if you start avoiding her, she'll know that you're hurting, but you're still her friend. (I use LittlAngelsOnlineStore.com It's a great site with a great support group in the message boards.) Good luck! Oh and no you're not horrible at all!!!
2006-10-30 12:34:56 · answer #4 · answered by Melissa, That's me! 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Ah honey, you're not evil. You're still morning your loss. A miscarriage is a loss of a life no matter how you look at it, 1 week, or 30 weeks. It's a loss. Of course you don't feel happy. You were supposed to give birth at the same time. It's just another reminder.
You can't deal with it until you accept it and then let go. You won't forget, but you will heal. My prayers are with you.
2006-10-30 12:38:26 · answer #5 · answered by BIZ Z 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sure your friend already doesn't see you as cold and heartless. Actually I kind of feel like she doesn't know how to act around you because she wants to be happy about her brand new bundle of joy, without seeming like you don't matter or to rub it in. Me and my sister in law (my brothers wife, whom was my very best friend for many years and whom I am still very close too) were both pregnant at the same time a couple of times actually. She has an incompetent cervix and has problems caring children to term. Anyways we have had kids at the same time twice now, only for mine to live and for hers to pass away. I did my best to not "rub it in" her face, but it's hard to not be happy for yourself that you have a child you love so much.... I actually was the one that went to her and discussed things with her because I didn't want to bring my babies around her and upset her. She really appreciated me talking to her and the sensitivity that I was showing more than anything. Maybe you can talk to your friend and explain to her that while you love your friend and you are happy that she has a baby that she loves very much, the wounds from your miscarriage are still very open and seeing her and the baby reminds you of what you might have had. and who knows? Maybe spending more time with her and the baby will help you come to terms....my sister in law absolutely spoiled my two rotten as it gave her something to think about besides her loss. (Her kids were born alive and died after birth) Good luck hun, I really do feel for you and do hope that you and your friend can overcome this so that you can continue on with your friendship.
2006-10-30 13:36:30 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ummmm. No you shouldn't feel evil. Having a miscarriage is something that is really hard to deal with. I have been there a couple of times myself. It follows you all the time. Even now that I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter, I often find myself sitting here thinking...what if???? You should really be supportive of your friend, if you truly consider her your friend. I would also suggest to you that you don't blame your self for the miscarriage, it is an act of god and some women's bodies just aren't ready for the change. I wish you the best!!
2006-10-30 12:40:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Of course you aren't evil. You are going through a thing called GRIEF and the feelings you have are natural. Feelings are never right or wrong--they just "are." You should never have to be sorry for how you feel. A person can't help her feelings. If she is a true friend, she should know that you aren't cold and heartless. She should do her best to understand where you're coming from.
2006-10-30 12:33:29 · answer #8 · answered by Kerry S 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are not at all evil for not being completely happy for her. You just had a miscarraige, and you are seeing your friend with her baby, and its going to be hard on you for a long time. But once you can be more emotionally acceptant of your miscarraige, you will be able to be happier for your friend.
2006-10-30 13:51:43 · answer #9 · answered by butterfly06love 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course you're not evil. What you are feeling is perfectly natural and completely understandable, this is perfectly normal. My advice is to be completely honest with your friend, don't forget she's probably feeling awkward herself, probably guilty that she has a baby and you don't. Of course she's not rubbing your nose in it (as you said). As soon as you feel ready I'd go visit her if you can. If you feel you can't, give her a call and explain everything you have said here, if she's a good friend she'll understand.
Have you received any counselling to deal with your own loss? If you haven't it may be something to consider....
And I hope very soon you'll fall pregnant and be able to move on, good luck to you :)
2006-10-30 12:41:00 · answer #10 · answered by loreleilee23 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋