Verbal agression outburst by boyfriend. OK or not?

Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months. He is sweet and mild-mannered and up until now, always says the right things at the right time.

Very recently, we came back late from a party and had had quite a bit to drink. Earlier, a girl at the party (his work colleague) had made a snide comment towards me and my boyfriend was defending the girl and what she said, even though it was uncalled for.

When I asked him why he wasn't defending my point of view (very out of character), he started shouting and swearing at the top of his voice, yelling at me 'Get out of my F***ing face you cretin. Just F*** Off'. I was in floods of tears and he continued to be extremely loud and insulting. I don't want to mention this to any of my friends as I think this behaviour was a one-off and I don't want to make him out to be a bad guy.

He did not say he was sorry for this the following day. Not sure what to do - where to go from here?

Answer 1

Wow, im surprised. Are u serious? are u sure there isnt more to the story than that? One thing is for sure i would definately have him apologize for it immediately! Such strange behavior coming from someone youve been with for 7 months. Like really dated that long or on and off? Anyhow when your drunk or buzzed even, u still have a rather flimsy but still intact thought process, and if that was on his train of thought at the time was to screw over my girlfriend, then i think thats, well lets just say.... after all youve been thru.....Fucked up! even if you werent that inoscent, that explains no reason as to why he would turn on u like that, take it up with him one more time, WATCH this: Anger at u bringing it up, yelling, denial, manipulation. He has one thing to do, explain, apologize or start the long painful process of Dumping him. Thats painfully strange. Good luck

Answer 2

Hey Hula...
I'm really sorry for you... U must have felt like the worst creature in the world..... I KNOW what it is like.... I have a bf like that... At first he was the sweetest one, but with time, he just started putting me down whenever he had a chance... I never felt so good and powerfully as when I finally broke up w/ him....
If I could give u some advice, I would say:
1) U ARE MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!
2) U DEFINITELY DO NOT DESERVE THAT!!!!
3) If he is like that right now (after only 7 months w/ u), trust me: he will only get worst...
4) Think about yourself first and if you are willing to this...
Good luck!

Answer 3

Only you can answer this for sure - you probably know the answer if you look deep inside yourself.

It could be a one-off thing, fuelled by alcohol, or it could be the start of a slippery slope. How much does he drink? Will he do it every time he drinks? Will it turn physical?

Personally, I'd be out of there, but I've been burned before so perhaps I'm too quick to junk a potentially worthwhile relationship.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, alcohol has created a lot of problems for people ever since time began. If you have to go through another round of this, then the proverbial handwriting will be on the wall and you would be wise to consider some kind of distancing mechanism with him and if it were to continue further without being acknowledged, it would be time to call it quits. Sorry to say, but alcohol is no friend of the long distance stuff. Like friendships and romance.

Answer 5

Any abuse isn't cool, definitely not OK.

Chances are this is just the beginning as he's become more comfortable. He's probably holding in a lot of feelings. You should confront him on it though so you can have the opportunity to tell him that his behavior was unacceptable. He doesn't have to agree with you but it doesn't call for the abusive delivery. He might not even remember if he was lit, but he's still responsible for his behavior and maybe he shouldn't be drinking if he can't handle it. Not saying anything about it only encourages him to do it again and puts you on a level that you don't want to be on. Consider that your not telling your friends about it is only enabling his behavior.

Answer 6

Hi, well booze often exagerates traits and loosens inhibitions etc. That aggression you saw is in there somewhere, and you'll no doubt see it again. All couples argue but it sounds as if he scared you. I'd say move on, better now than in a year's time. My reasons are a) he didn't defend you or try to be diplomatic b) he got aggressive and c) he didn't see the error of his ways in the cold light of day. I don't think you've told your friends because you know what their reaction will be. Don't be afraid to be on your own for a little while.

Answer 7

Well... I would write most of the episode off to having a little to much to drink and now is the time to address the issue... you needed to give more details on what went down with you and the co-worker of his... for me to be able to tell who was in the wrong on what was said... people can be touchy when it comes to how we act in front of their co-workers... I'm not defending his actions because it's was very immature for him to get so out of hand like that... you might have got to see a side you may not want to deal with again... you need to let him know regardless of what you did... that he is never to react it that way again... it didn't help prove his point at all... talking rational and calmly can be more productive... hopes this helps

Answer 8

Ok he was probably drunk (that does not mean hes an alcoholic like some people are saying), and prob doesnt even remember doing it or is even too imbarassed to. This does not mean hes going to beat you up do it everyday or have problems with anger management! There is probably something stressing him out, it could involve you it might not (work etc), in which case he was prob just having a blow out, and fraid to say it its easier to do it on people who you love than strangers as you know that they will forgive you.

If it happens again then say something, but lets face it who doesn't lash out once in a while?

Answer 9

I agree with DonSoze. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't end it straight away. A night of drinking can make anyone crazy. I can think of two occasions where I completely (out of character) lost my head. But I also apologised profusely the next day and stopped drinking so much. One thing I would not do is to ignore this. You need to talk to him about it. It is only then you will see his true colours. Maybe the reason he didn't apologise is because he honestly doesn't remember. Find out what's going on and then make up your mind on the relationship. BUT if it happens again, end it on the spot. Fool me once, your fault. Fool me twice, mine!

Answer 10

He could simply be an aggressive-drunk? Or he may have something to hide? If all is well and good now, maybe it'd be best to forgive and forget? At the very least you should talk to him, and tell him what you thought of his actions that night: he may not be apologising because he's embarrassed. Tell him you're willing to forgive and foreget providing he simply says he is sorry, and promises to behave in future, whether he's had a drink or not.