guys go psycho on me?

Question

i keep going out with guys and they seem to get addicted. i've got a really high sex drive, and i only wanna be with one person. to begin with they are like 'wow. i really like you' and i'm kind of easy going too so i'm happy with most things. like i could play computer games, or go paintballing, or rollerskating. i end up hanging out with my bf's friends. and i like to have a really loving, caring relationship. the trouble comes after about a year. they start to get really jealous, like i could just go out with anyone. but i'm a one man woman. i do get a few guys hitting on me, but i never do anything back. and my bf is always looking out for guys who are doing it. THEN he starts thinking if the phone is engaged i'm having an affair. that he doesn't like it when i'm not at home. he gets mad even when i'm working. it's been like this before, and i find it really suffocating. my ex used to break in if i didn't answer the door. held me over a lake for just talking to a guy (his friend)

my current bf was like 'i cant believe guys treated you like that. you know you deserve better' and then he is starting to. deliberately making me feel bad if i'm not there. playing mind games.

i dont have sex for them i have sex for me, and for us. i have things i like to do, make jewellery, painting, hanging with my girlfriends, i dont get clingy or anything like that. i'm not really a flirt, i'm more likely to run away.

the guy who held me over a lake used to threaten my family. i also saw one of his friends was taken to court and some other people had the girl beaten up. i went to the police and at the time they told me that the guy could interview you, that some of the things would be worse than what my bf did. in the end i left and went far away.

i dont accept the kind of behaviour but it keeps happening. i dont change the way i am for a guy. just i always like to think of other people. when i'm at home i think of my family. it's just the way i am.

i had one relationship which was with a hippy kind of guy. we used to sit on the bed and he used to play music while i used to make stuff. or we used to write poetry together. that was when i was happiest.

Answer 1

Thank you for your question; it's complex.

First of all, I see a couple of problems, and I wonder if you've considered any of this before. I think the addiction is coming from you -- not from them. I think that you lure men to your bed, and have sex to keep them, and are a bit vague on the day-to-day life together part. I also think that you may need to develop your own interests more, and develop better boundaries. Now, none of this is fatal, and all it needs is a bit of thought and a few decisions on your part. It's a pretty simple problem to solve.

You say you're easy-going, but how much of that is doing what your boyfriend wants to do, and how much of the time do you do what you want to do -- with him (and friends) or on your own, or with your own friends? It's really good to have "his, her and our" interests, because it keeps you and him from being clingy with each other, and it helps you both to maintain some independence. No one is or should be interested in every single one of another person's interests. It's more than okay, it's necessary, for you to have your interests and your time to do your own thing, too.

As for the jealousy, if this is a recurring problem, then somewhere there are repeated behaviors and choices which keep coming up again and again and aren't being resolved. Is it your behavior? Are you acting out and being flirty to get attention? Are you picking men who for whatever reason begin to take you for granted? Do you keep being with someone even after you know you should move on, because you like the company and it's comfortable, and there's a bit of inertia going on? Or something else? Only you know why this jealousy thing keeps popping up over and over again, in the place in your heart where bullshit cannot live.

Sounds also to me like you keep getting involved with men who are massively over-controlling, which means that on the flip side they are actually massively insecure. No mature man is going to suspect you of an affair simply from talking on the phone, or dislike that you're at work (earning your own money!). If the relationship gets like this, then it's TOXIC, and it's time to either get counseling or cut bait and fish elsewhere for a better, nicer, kinder man.

I'd suggest that you look up online and read books about co-dependency; it seems like there's a taste of that going on in your life. Co-dependency is a type of intimacy addiction, but pushed past normal bounds to where it gets toxic for both people. It's a need to be needed that far outweighs normal need to be liked and loved. It goes into addiction, insecurity, lack of correct boundaries, and feeding off others' praise and desire to fill holes in your own psyche. And it's easily cured. Most people can read some articles and a few books, recognize their behaviors, get a few tips on better thinking and behavior, and solve their co-dependency issues.

I'm thinking that there is some insecurity going on in your own life, that you'd accept this kind of behavior. What kind of loser jerk nearly waterboards a woman (holding you over a lake = threatening to drown you... it's psychological torture, and definite emotional and possibly verbal abuse) because she talked to a friend? Did he nearly waterboard his friend for talking to you? Bet not. No one has the right to manhandle you, to threaten you, to manipulate you physically, mentally, emotionally.

You deserve someone who likes you for you, not just for sex. You deserve to attract someone who admires your mind and your personality, because almost any man can be lured with just sex. You deserve a man who won't harass you or harangue you. You deserve a man who's secure enough not to try to control you or nag you or berate you. And you also deserve to be strong enough in yourself that you KNOW you deserve a real man, a kind, loving, mature gentleman, someone who will treat you like gold, and like an equal partner and a peer.

Good luck. I hope this helps. Cheers, K

Answer 2

If you keep winding up with the same kind of guy, chances are it IS something you're doing. Are you attracted to 'bad boys?' If so, consider the meaning of the word "bad." Bad boys are not good men. Look at the qualities that attract you in a man, then consider the 'shadow side" of that trait. A guy who's "alpha" and confident can also be so obsessed with being in control that he can't let his girlfriend think for herself. A guy who's wild and likes to party and play with drugs can sometimes fry his brains and turn paranoid. If you can, talk to a counselor and see if you can figure out why these guys appeal to you, and how you can change your perspective to find a guy who's not a jack@ss. Trouble is... TV (especially so-called reality TV) and films tend to push this kind of wretched, immature jerk as a "real man" and there aren't enough really good men to serve as examples. But there are some good guys out there, don't settle for a jerk.

Answer 3

dont change who you are you just havent found the right guy yet.