I'm still at a lost for words because my boyfriend is still a little unprepared for his father's demise. What should I say to him and his mother later today?
2006-10-29 10:10:08 · 17 answers · asked by citrusy 6 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
For what it's worth, I agree completely with Novamanus. I lost my mom just about 2 years ago and my husband had to help me through it. What was best was when he didn't say "I know how you feel" or "This is what you should do to feel better" or "Why don't you read this book about healing". What was the best was when he just held me and let me cry, without saying very much of anything. Came home early from work to be with me when that was possible. Listened to whatever stream-of-consciousness-type stories I brought up from my childhood. Just heard me out without trying to "fix" it, because what your boyfriend is going through right now is beyond fixing. But the one thing YOU can do that truly helps is to be there, hold onto him, be strong enough to let him show his weakness when you're together, which is even harder for guys than it is for girls.
Do you have a friend available to confide in when all this starts to seem like too much? You really do need one. You're carrying a load that's too big for anyone to carry by themselves for very long (because you're trying to carry part of your boyfriend's load as well, and that's huge).
All the best to you both--I know it's a rough road.
2006-10-29 10:34:42 · answer #1 · answered by Leslie D 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
There are times when words aren't necessary. Sometimes, just having your special someone's presence is enough to comfort the other. I found out that a couple of times when two of my friends told me that despite their problems, whenever I'm just there by their side even without talking, they feels comforted already (which was really quite surprising and toughing by the way). So there ya go! Plus, giving too much words will often make a person think a lot.
2006-10-30 06:11:25 · answer #2 · answered by sheer♥black 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dont say "I know how you feel", or "You just feel so....". Just let him know that WHEN (not IF) he needs you that you will be there.
In a few weeks take him and his mother some prepared dinners. Right now they are probably bombarded with food from kind friends and family. In a few weeks the food gifts will stop, but mom will probably be too depressed to lift a finger. Its then you should bring over soups, stews, comfort foods for them.
This is a really touchy situation. Words will make him feel better a few months from now. Right now he just needs a shoulder to cry on. Thats all you can do.
2006-10-29 18:16:08 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mom died a few years ago. I hate to tell you this, but there isn't really anything that can say to make his loss hurt less. You can be there for him- that's probably the best you can do. There might be times where he acts oddly or doesn't want you around. Don't take it personally. This could take a while to adjust to. Good luck.
2006-10-29 21:42:44 · answer #4 · answered by K S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You being there is beyond any need for words. It is too early to talk about it....just tell them you are there for them....any time.....and stand by for support.
There will be plenty of time later to say that you realize how important this man was to them and to listen to them when they need to talk about him.
Listening is the best thing a good friend can do.
2006-10-29 18:16:01 · answer #5 · answered by novamanassas 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Whatever you do DON'T say "he's in a better place." That used to piss me off when people said that to me when my mom died, especially when people didn't know the reason she died. The best thing you can do is just be there. You don't have to say anything. When he's ready to talk, just be ready to listen. That's what helped me the most. Just knowing I had support helped a lot. Each person morns differently.
2006-10-29 19:40:01 · answer #6 · answered by lady01love 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's difficult to know what to say when anyone's loved one dies. I think that it's best to simply say that your thoughts are with them, as are your prayers (if that's something you are comfortable saying). I've heard lots of people say, "I don't know what to say" and I've never cared for it - it's as though the person wants to be reassured, which is sort of missing the point. I think that you should simply say that you're sorry for their loss, and more importantly, truly be there if they need you, particularly in the weeks after the funeral, when many tend to forget that the family is still sad.
2006-10-29 18:19:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Give them a hug and tell them how sorry you are. Also ask them if there is anything you can do to help. After that go off their cues. When they are ready to talk they will. Sometimes the worse thing you can do is to keep trying to find the right thing to say.
2006-10-29 18:18:37 · answer #8 · answered by butterflykisses427 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
please tell both of them that you are sorry for their loss and remember to be patient in the next 18-24 months...usually it takes that long to learn to live with the loss...there may be times in the next few months were they are not able to stay at social functions for very long...it is not you or the occasion just that they need quiet and time...and you can convey your support by doing things like squeezing his hand gently when you suspect that he is having a moment...it will be the little things you do that will make a difference.
2006-10-29 18:17:41 · answer #9 · answered by Library Eyes 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Don't bring it up unless he wants to talk about it first, but don't act like nothing's happened. Just be sensitive, and tell him the truth. His father's gon to heaven now, life can still go on, and everything else, as long as YOU believe taht it's true. I believe it is.
2006-10-29 18:18:27 · answer #10 · answered by questionner 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋