My daughter wants to get in touch with her Father.?

Question

I have brought my daughter up on my own without any help financially or otherwise from her Father. She has never heard from him.. I recently found out she is trying to find him. It wouldn't be so bad If she had asked did I mind? How do I tell her I know and how do I deal with it. The reason we broke up, which was actually before she was born ( she is 20) was because he hit me and tried to strangle me, he also stabbed his own Mother but she didn't press charges. How do I deal with this situation as at this moment I feel really hurt.

Answer 1

Ah this is so sad and i feel bad for you

I would sit down and explain to your daughter everything, she is a adult now and if she decides that she still wants to find him afterwards than you know that you have done your best to make her realise what her father is like.
But i would let her decide what she wants to do, she may meet him and think no thanks but at least i know now, i would talk to her but i would also allow her to make her mind up what she wants to do afterwards.
When and if she finds her father than this will be very emotional for her, just be there for her and support her decisions in which she will make
i wish you well and good luck

Answer 2

Does she know the reasons you split up? Either way, why should you feel hurt? She's 20 years old, was created by two people, and only know's one of them! It was pretty inevitable that she'd want to find him sooner or later, and you shouldn't stand in her way. Maybe she didn't come to you because she knew you hated him and would be upset...but that's too much pressure for her to be carrying, and you shouldn't have EVER even let on that your feelings are in anyway negative for this man, because it automatically puts her in a predicament, where her loyalty to you is tested.

She's not a child now, and if this man is still like he was back then, I'm sure she'll find out for herself....but this is what she needs to do. Taking your word for it is just not good enough, and this is part of her life journey that she much achieve. The fact he hasn't bothered about her for 20 years says alot about him, and maybe some children wouldn't have bothered wanting to find him....but she does, and that's her right.

He might have turned over a new leaf but not wanted to make contact with her....they could end up having a relationship, and that's her right too. It's not for you to intervene with or feel upset about...what he did to you has nothing to do with this, so please stop feeling upset, and don't let her know that you're feeling bad. Be positive and strong for her, because she might well have an upsetting knock back....but equally, she might find a new family member, and either way, you have to support her. You brought her into the world knowing that her father existed...so in a way you shouldn't be shocked at what's happening now.

Answer 3

I know its hard, but be really brave and just ask her if she has ever thought about finding her dad. She may confess all to you then, that way at least you brought it up first, and even though it will hurt you inside, because she is looking for him, help her so you don't look like the bad party in it all.

He may have changed a great deal over twenty years, if he hasn't, she will find this out herself, and if his mother is still alive, then maybe she will let her know whether he is a good man now or not, and she may back you up, for your reasons that she didn't see him.

Unfortunately, this will happen to me someday, as my daughter doesn't see her donor.

I wish you all the best. Be brave so that you keep your daughter on side.

Take Care.

Answer 4

You must approach her by allowing her to know the TRUTH. If she does not know the truth, or if she feels you have not been completely honest to her about him, then she will be drawn to seek him for the answers !!!

Also, be a true woman and speak to her about the abuse and the fears you had. All the reasons! Also voice your fears for her, she may be hurt to see him, how he really is, versus what she has "envisioned" in her mind he would be like. This will shatter her internally.

Once you have been open and honest, allow her to ask you all the questions she can have about it. Be truthfull on all of it. She may get mad, upset, hurt, she may not believe you at first, she may even force things anyway. But be there for her....when she does decide to meet him, and if she does get a glimpse of who he really is...be there when she wants to return "home" to the only "family" she had.

As an adult she deserves the truth: if you have a tough time talking, you can write. Also, give her books that revolve around abusive men, abusive relationships and such, to help her understand (you/him). If you never delved into this either, she may be on the road to her own abusive relationship!!! Your wounds can taint her perception of men, make her vulnerable to controlling men!

Wish you the best!

Answer 5

This is not an easy question. I believe it's the childrens right to know both parents but you are also responsible for your daughters safety. Do you know if her father has changed in those 20 years?

I wouldn't deny her of the chance to meet him and I'm not sure I would tell her all the bad things about him, at least not yet. Could you set up a meeting so she could meet him in a public place and have another adult you both trust accompany her?

You don't have to tell her that you know that she wants to meet him if she hasn't told you. You could bring it up like it was your idea that you think she's old enough now. Good luck to you

Answer 6

First u need to stop feeling hurt , u had to of realized over the last 20 years that she was eventually be curious about her dad and want to find him.. ITS NORMAL.. shes not doing anything against u, she is just trying to figure out who she is.. and that means needing to know where she comes from..

Now the only thing u can do , is to be blunt and honest with her.. tell her what u know, why it all went down be totally honest.. and if she still feels the need to search for him .. let her, the odds are she'll eventually find him, realize what a worthless piece of crap he is, and put it all behind her and u'll find out ur fears , worry and hurt were for nothing.. she's curious, she has to see for herself, so let her, u raised her, and im sure u did an excellent job of it.. now u need to put ur parenting skills to work and have faith in them that u taught her all she needs to know to make the right decisions in life.. so give her ur support and let her find her own way , the blinders will soon come off once she knows for herself..

Answer 7

Help her. Tell her the truth for a start since he has a violent past. Do you want her harmed? No of course not. Suggest to your daughter when you have told her the truth that you help her. Check him out making sure you go with a trusted friend. Go tentatively. On the positive, he could have changed .... you never know. But honesty is always the best policy. She is classed as an adult treat her so. I too had this situation with my daughter. Happily for me she discovered herself how awful he could be and asked me how I coped with him ! Be open and honest it will draw you closer to your daughter. Well done for bringing her up on your own you did a good job! Worth it in the end isn't it? Lots of joys and sorrows but worth it in the end. Good Luck!

Answer 8

I'm sure your daughter didn't want to hurt you. If she hasn't told you, it's probably to spare your feelings....Not to hurt you.

You need to forget your own feelings at the moment, and put your daughter first. You should explain what her father did to you, and his mother, and explain the dangers of getting in touch with him. Unfortunately though, he is her Father, and if she still feels she needs to see him, you should help her to find him, and make sure that you are there to protect her when she meets him.

If you try to stand in her way, or try to stop her, she will only resent you, and then she will be less likely to turn to you if she finds him and it all goes horribly wrong. Even if she finds him, and they manage to build a relationship (which sounds unlikely) you should support her, and let her decide for herself.

It will be difficult for you after what you've been through, but she needs you to understand and support her now, no matter what. If you do this you will always be first in her eyes.....Even if it seems as though she idolises her father when she meets him!

You have obviously had to be strong for the last 20 years. Unfortunately you will need to be strong for her again now. Good luck!

Answer 9

Why do you feel hurt? My situation with my daughter is similar. Her father and I broke up before she was born because of his physical abuse. He is not on her birth certificate and has never supported her. My husband adopted her. When the time comes that she wants to find him, that is her right and she doesn't need my permission. In fact, I'll be willing to help her find him. Everyone deserves to know where they come from. I'm sure it is nothing personal against you- it's only natural she'd want to meet him- maybe ask him a few unresolved questions about why he was never there for her..


Also, chances are when she DOES find him, he won't want anything to do with her anyway. Sometimes it's better to let young people see for themselves what a prick someone is- especially a family member. Children tend to idolize their parents (particularly absent ones). She probably has always wondered about him and is wanting to verify what she has always believed somewhere deep inside her to be true.

Answer 10

It's perfectly understandable that you feel hurt but it's also understandable that your daughter would like to make contact with her father.
Perhaps now is the time to speak to her about the situation. Try to stay calm and try to stick to the facts. Let her make up her own mind about what to do.
I think what is most important is that you stay on good terms with your daughter. So, try very hard not to be over emotional and try not to say anything now that you will regret later.
Lots of good luck to you...