Can anyone give me some advice? My parents have recently got divorced and my dad is driving me nuts!?

Question

I have lived with my dad for about 2 years and it was alright in the beginning but now it seems like everyday is getting worse, he doesn't let me do anything or go anywhere. But that isn't really the problem. I try explaining to him how I feel but he just shuns me out. He yells at the smallest things and tells me I should go live with my alcoholic mom so I won't give him these problems. Does he really love me? I understand he is stressed out, but so am I. I don't like playing the victim but I do have it harder then he does. Sometimes he makes me feel like he doesn't love me or doesn't want to take care of me. I have broken down and cried in school more times then I can count. Is this going to harm in the future? What can I do to make him understand what he is doing to me? I really appreciate any advice I can get, Thanks.

Answer 1

Yours is a sad story, and told with expression.
Whether your father is giving you the loveand understanding you need
is not the point. It is that you don't feel he is.
He telling you to go back to your alcoholic mother is his frustration.

You seem like a realist. Your mother and father have problems.
How are you going to change YOURSELF to adapt to them.
IF you thought being with your mother was best, or better,
you would have gone back to her before now.

Being real, means you are going to have to think smart.
Before going to your dad, be sure you can state your need simply. Try for YES or NO answers.

You must pick your battles. Don't go to him for everything,
but pick and choose what you ask of him.

You must pick the time and place to ask him for something,
or even to tell him good or bad news. You have that power.

You know your dad. You know when he will listen, and not.
Don't tell him something first thing when he comes home.
Talk to him after he has sat down and been relaxed some time.
Tell him some good news before any bad news.

Plan ahead, don't suddenly need shampoo, or pads, etc.
and expect him to run you out to the store or get them.
If you have something you need for school, a project,
tell him way ahead of time, and give him reminders.

You might keep a grocery list on the frig,
and you might keep a calendar there too,
one showing what you need, when,
and you can include things for him,
such as put out the trash, or call grandma.

I'm asking you to grow up fast, aren't I,
asking you to take on adult responsibilities.
You can do it. You can influence him.
These are the parents you have.
Try to be philosophical, and say,
"at least I have two parents" and "they need me."

I hate to say these words, for my heart goes out to you.
But from where I sit, I must tell you what is real:
do what you can with what you have, with whom you have.
You dad loves you as best he can love anyone, I imagine.
Do you see him loving anything or anyone more?

If he yells, you must talk even quieter.
Do NOT react in turn, for it is NOT smart.
As far as him not letting you go and do,
again, think, "I'm not the only one" & "it won't be forever."

You can predict his behavior most of the time.
You know your dad. You know yourself.
Decide on your actions, be deliberate, not reactive.

Getting him to listen to your feelings is hard.
Your mother probably had the same problem.
NEVER, ever, bring up the past to him,
never say what I just did. It will hurt him too bad,
and he will react by hurting you in turn.
Kindness begets kindness, and cruelty, cruelty.

Your crying spells at school are a plea for help.
Go on to the counselor, as I'm sure you have,
and ask her to get you "IN SCHOOL" counseling,
if outside counseling can't be had.

If you don't go to church, you might think about it.
Do any of your classmates have strong parents?
(it's easier to be good parents when there's two working together)
Ask that person where they go to church,
and then ask them to invite you to come.
You aren't asking to be a part of their worship,
not to be a best friend or anything.
Once at church, keep your eyes open
and you will find a Sunday school teacher
who you might be comfortable talking to.

I'm assuming, guessing a lot,
for if you had close, supportive family,
you would already be talking to them.
You surely need to talk to someone.
I'm glad you are, too.

Your main point was not what you endure,
but what it is doing to you on the inside.
Everything is going to effect you, and who you are.
You can counter the bad side by being aware.
You set your mind on the person you want to be,
the values and kind of life you want for yourself,
and don't let anyone or anything change it.
You can let this defeat you, or you can grow from it.
Some other kids have it made, take their parents for granted.
But you, you know better. You are going to get stronger.
You will make the most of what you have.

You write well. Keep writing. Keep a journal.
dj of raleigh

Answer 2

Hey there. I've been where you are and indeed, I have to say that eventually things will get better.
Most dad's have difficulty in relating to their daughters. they see them forever as their little girls, even though you may be a teen and growing older. Men tend to be a bit more overprotective because they know how teenage boys can be. That doesn't excuse him yelling and whatnot. But now that I am older and am a mother I can understand where he was coming from.
As for the yelling at you and whatnot. i lived with my mom for 12 years and then with my dad for two. things got so bad i ran away from home because not only did he yell, tell me I was fat (when i was BELOW the weight i should've been) he would beat the crap out of me as well. I am all too familiar with crying at school and pretty much spending the day in the couselors office. I ended up moving back in with my mom only to end up being taken by foster care.
My advice. Try writing him a note, that way he can't yell at you, but leave it for him where he can find it while you're at school. Tell him you love him and know how hard it is being divorced and a single father of a teenage daughter. Tell him that you wish that the two of you could spend more time together and bond and learn to communicate better, because the yelling and whatnot is hurting you badly. Ask him in the letter, do you love me? If you do, why are you hurting me like this? Please, i feel like you're taking you anger you have for mom out on me. I'm sorry for whatever I've done to make you feel like you have to be mean to me and that I want things to get better.
Thats one idea that you could use.
HOWEVER if things get too too bad. What about your mom? Has she recovered yet? How is she doing stability wise and financially? Do you two have a good relationship.
Depending on all that, if things are good between you and her. I'd try to call her, explain whats going on and ask her what to do. tell her what your dad has been saying and ask her if its true.
You're young and dont need to be going through all of this. and yes if it doesnt get better, i can see it harming the future. It did in my case.

Answer 3

Well i would say first stand up for yourself,explain to him that your not the one he was married to,I'm just her daughter.I believe a lot of the hurt he feels is because when he looks at you he sees your mother\is wife(i bet you look just like her) So he is always reminded of the hurt he went through before the break up.Even thou he's upset you know he loves you.So you need to talk to him,you need to get out of the middle of this break up and remind him and yourself that you have nothing to do with the break up other than I'm your child,stay in your place(meaning I'm just the child in all this).Do not let him talk to you about what happened between your mother and him,and don't ask questions about it as well(this is what i mean by stay in your place)Let the grown ups handle their business and you support both your parents by letting them know you love them no matter what,but to leave you out of it.This will soon help you cope and feel better about the break up.I wish you and yours all the best and i hope i was able to help.

Answer 4

Have you ever tried to sit your dad down, and ask him to lets have a talk. Tell him I want us to try and communicate better, instead of shouting or screaming. Say it is not healthy, for us to live in a house hold, and we can't communicate. Say can we just try and work together? Say, dad, I love you, I know this is an adjustment for you, and it is for me too. This is stressing us out too much, so we have just got to try something else, now if this does not work, talk to your Grand mom, or a guidance counselor, any one who you think, can get to your dad.

Answer 5

I can understand your hurts. My parents are divorced to. Of course your dad loves you, and i dont think going to live with your mom would help your situation, but I think what you need to do is pray and read the Bible everyday for your dad, and ask God to bring peace into your situation. God Bless!!

Answer 6

The bottom line is your father feels horrible and he is taking it out on you, you need to get help with this is he will not listen to you.
Find someone who can help you with this problem and maybe talk to him.
Is there anywhere you can go live that would be safer than where you are at now?

Answer 7

Well, that sounds strangely like my situation. Except yours is a bit worse. Well, that is tough. I think you need a third party, one you are close with. Like, get your grandparents opionion or an Aunt or Uncle. Or a close family friend. Someone like that to help. Maybe talk to your dad. Hope this helps. :)

Answer 8

The only thing i can think is perhaps for the two of you to see a counsellor together.

Answer 9

Ask your dad to take you to counseling. Both of you should be there. If, he won't listen, talk to your school counselor or another adult you can trust. They can talk to him for you.

Answer 10

live with your mother. You can help her with her drinking abuse. He won't undertand how much you means to you until your gone.
Do whats best 4 you