my bf of 2 years proposed to me a few months ago. we are both 19 and are still getting our qualifications etc, so dont have the money to have a big fancy wedding. i always thought i wanted a huge wedding but now we just want to elope to Portugal (where he's from). however, his family are very traditional and are already upset he's not marrying a Portuguese girl. i dont really give a **** what they think of me, but im worried they will be upset with him and i do not want this to happen. he says he doesnt care but deep down i know he does. i believe a wedding is about 2 ppl and thats all that matters. do you guys reckon we should plan a big traditional wedding to appease his family or just go for it and deal with the consequences?
2006-10-29 04:06:01 · 22 answers · asked by bekr_leigh 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
They may be unreasonable now because your fiance isn't marrying a Portuguese girl, but marrying at 19 usually is the beginning of a tough life ahead of you... However, this is your choice, so go ahead with it. Just know what you're in for.
Now, as for choosing a traditional wedding or eloping, I think I would go traditional (with a small wedding, unless your in-laws want it big and fancy, but you have to let them know you two don't have a lot of money (in my family, it's traditional for the bride's family to pay for the occassion, and it may be the same with Portuguese weddings, so... if you have parents that can spare some money, ask them. if that can't work, explain the situation to your fiance's parents. maybe they will help, maybe they will not... the promise of a traditional wedding, despite the absence of a Portuguese bride, may work... you need to let them know you two aren't backing down)). You say you don't want your in-laws to be upset with your husband-to-be and I'm sure they will become even more upset if you two elope. If you do a traditional wedding, perhaps they will see how you two love each other, and drop the Portuguese girl attitude... If they show no signs of changing their opinion on you and your fiance's marriage, even though you followed their wishes on the traditional wedding, chances are they will never accept you or it will take too long... So, at least going traditional was a shot at making them be happy for you and your fiance's marriage. If it works, great! If not, go to Portugal. Or go to Portugal either way.
On the other hand, my parents sort of eloped... My mother's family disapproved of her divorce to her first husband, who kept cheating on her... When she met my father, he divorced his first wife and wanted to leave Ohio, so he went to the west coast... They kept in contact with letters and such, in which my father kept asking to my mother to meet him, and my mother finally got on an airplane for the first time... They met each other a few more times on the west coast. My father kept proposing to my mother, but after a while, she finally accepted, and they got married on the west coast and stayed there ever since... They didn't have much money either, so they only had two witnesses and the pastor. My mother wore a white dress, but it wasn't a traditional gown. I suppose you could call that an elope. Now, my mother's family didn't approve of my father because they never met him, but when they finally did meet him, they loved him because they saw how much he loved my mother...
That's one successful eloping story.
So, you can go with the traditional wedding or the elope... The traditional wedding will present many obstacles that may or may not help his family accept your marriage, while the elope is sure to present a general attitude of disapproval, unless something miraculous happens...
What do you want your wedding story to be?
2006-10-29 04:34:08 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Friends of our eloped and their families were wicked pissed. They got married in Red Rock Canyon, right outside of Vegas. It's still one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever been to. There were 8 of us in this awesome canyon. I had to hear about it from both of their sisters. They're still hearing about years later. You have to decide how upset your families will be and if they'll never forget or forgive that you didn't give them a wedding.
Another course of action you might want to consider is a destination wedding on a cruise or at an all inclusive resort. You get your wedding and honeymoon all in one, plus you can invite whoever you want but you don't have to pay for a reception because it's all inclusive. Friends of ours did this in December and it was fun. We got a 4 day vacation and a great wedding on a beautiful island. I don't remember how much it cost us, but it wasn't bad, since we got a vacation out of it. Not everyone will come if you do this, but I'll bet the people who would complain the most (parents and siblings) will come. Good luck
2006-10-29 07:59:53 · answer #2 · answered by maigen_obx 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you can elope and miss out on the tradition. Or you could have a small intimate wedding in Portugal. If have him explain to his family that this is your choice to get to know them better then you will be killing to birds with one stone. The mother will be honoured that you admire her and she will be able to see her son get married. Family dynamics will always be there but weddings are a time of love and sharing and I think a good time to put resentments to rest for a while. If you don't include his family not only will you be hurting them but also your boyfriend.
2006-10-29 04:54:09 · answer #3 · answered by Deirdre O 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi
Well Im 41 and married... But we did not have a reg wedding as we had no cash for it.
I now regret it a bit. I think you could have something small,, that would not cost so much and if HIS family really wants this then they should help pay for it... Even if its just a small ceremony in a park,, something.. a nice dress even instead of a wedding gown.. a reg person doing pictures not a pro... you can get by really cheaply.
It would mean a lot to his family,, a kind of peace offering, and LATER it will mean a lot to you a well.
I know you say you dont care about his family.. But let me tell you from experience.. You are marrying the family too... TO start out by putting your fiance in the middle is not a good thing no matter what he says about how he feels... Its his Momma
I am married to a guy who's family ,..well I really dont like much and in a normal situation wo uld nto h ave a thing to do with... and they have for 13+ years been a constant source of turmoil and fights.. Now they are not , only because we dont see them. My husband was basically put in the position wher ehe had to choose... to a point..
But it will build resentment and cause unhappiness. We are ok now,, but still dont really see his family ,, talk to them and that about it on the phone...
Now I think his family is being silly to be upset you are not a traditional Portugese girl,, But I think that asking his Mom to help plan a SMALL wedding might go a long way to any future relationship you coud have with them.
Portugese are firm in traditions, and Family.. and you have to think.... If you plan to hav children one day etc... they will be Grandparents.. try to look at the big ,, future picture as well... as far as what yu want for family traditions and gatherings etc..
you want as clean of a start as you can get. You and Your Fiance talkto theparents about the fact you have no money for a Wedding and maybe suggest somethig simple,, backyard, park etc... See what they say..
If they are not reasonable and insist on a huge affair and can not help you pay for it.. then well at least you tried to bridge the gap.. but to just do what you are going to do without any consideration for them.. and thats how they will see it will seem like a huge slap in the face or very disrespectful and that will be a big deal to th em..Im sure.
You are in tough place,, but in 13 years your views will be very different than they are now.. try to think ahead. WHat will you share with your children about your wedding day?
Good Luck in whatever you decide, and Congratualtions!
Wismom
2006-10-29 04:26:33 · answer #4 · answered by Wismom 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I used to want a big fancy wedding myself, but the planning caused a large deal of grief, and my in-laws hated me from the get-go, they even told us not to ask my husband (fiance at the time) sister to be in the wedding because "she had already been in so many weddings". By the time we finally did get married she was in it, along with small children I did not want, and it was not my/or my husbands day. As long as you two are ready to get and stay married, that is what matters. I finally have a good relationship with my in laws, and I don't think the wedding itself made them like/dislike me more or less. If people are willing to help you pay for a real wedding, ask them if they would instead consider helping you with a place to live etc. You may be surprised in the end, if they see you are really ready.
2006-10-29 04:16:08 · answer #5 · answered by kimtyme 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
From an age standpoint, you both need a few years to finish school and to gain more independence before tying the knot. If you really want to elope, go for it. But at 19, you shouldn't have to worry about it.
From a family standpoint, you may want to elope but have a formal reception. You may not give a flying flip what his family thinks, but they are going to be your new inlaws. You better learn how to handle them now.
A wedding isn't just about two people. A wedding is about a celebration of the joining of two families. It doesn't have to be huge, and it doesn't even have to include the ceremony. The matter of fact is that it's about celebrating.
Going into a marriage with "I don't care a flying flip what his family thinks" really shows your immaturity. You both need to decide what to do, and you both need to figure out what's best to celebrate your life together.
2006-10-29 04:13:50 · answer #6 · answered by FaZizzle 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
19 is kinda young to get married when you are not completely sure where you are both going in life. Why not stay engaged for a while and see where you go. In any case eloping is never a good idea. Yes a marriage is between 2 people but be careful not hurt everyones feeling, because you will pay for it later.
2006-10-29 04:13:35 · answer #7 · answered by hummingbird 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nassau, Bahamas. There is a great resort there called Atlantis. I have traveld an extensive amount in my lifetime and this by far was the most amazing place I have ever been. You could take a cruise there. That's what my hubby and I did. There are even some cruises that you dock in nassau and stay at atlantis for a couple days. That would be a blast. Good luck!
2016-05-22 05:23:17 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think eloping is a good idea. You guys are still so young and you have your whole future ahead of you. A wedding is just a day, but marriage is forever. So you should please the family, because you want them to be there for you when you need them. And you don't want to break his family bond.
2006-10-29 04:18:10 · answer #9 · answered by azzurra 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
How about a compromise?
Elope now and in a year plan a nice wedding to make his family happy
2006-10-29 04:11:37 · answer #10 · answered by pj_gal 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋