Anyone got any funny jokes?

Question

You know the ones that make you laugh so much that you have sew your sides up!

Answer 1

Q. what do you call 100 black men buried up to their necks?

A. afro turf

Answer 2

A couple have been happily married for 6 years ,they have 2 young children.Because of the children they decided to have a code word if they wanted to have some adult fun,the code word was "washing machine".Last night in bed he snuggled close to his wife and whispered "washing machine" into her ear,she said not tonight so he turned his back on her(as all men do) in a huff,but 5 mins later she must have felt bad cause of all his huffing and puffing and whispered "washing machine" into his ear.He turned round to face her and said "its ok dear it was a small load and i done it by hand"..........

Answer 3

Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ears.

Q. Why did the blonde get sacked from the M&M factory?
A. She kept throwing out all the W's.

Q. what do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
A. Artificial Intelligence.

Q. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the car door.

Hope that keeps you going for a bit :-)

Answer 4

what do you get when a green bean jumps off a building?
ANS. a red bean

A man died and went to heaven.He went to God's office and was soon to be interveiwed.But while at the waiting room,he was amazed by the number of clocks on the walls so he asked the angel nearby why there is so much clocks on the wall.The angel replied,these clocks ticks a little when you lied.Most of the clocks on the walls were still.He replied to the angel ' doesnt anyone lies?' The angel whispered to him 'wait till you check out Bush's clock in God's office.God used it for a ceiling fan'

a man was mowing his lawn.he was quite disturbed when his blonde neighbour keeps checking her mail.She opens her mail peeped inside and slams it shut.stamping her feet while making her way back to her house.She does that over and over again for the couple of hours.every couple of mins she keeps running out and check her mail.Being overly concerned,the man asked her whats wrong and she says' there's a tiny voice in my house which keeps saying YOU'VE GOT MAIL',but when i came to check,there aint any

Once, three boys were playing football outside the kings garden. They were Shut-up, Manners and Poo.

The ball went over into the kings garden, so Shut-up went to get it.

The King spotted him trespassing and came out to him.

"Trespassing is prohibited" said the King. "What's your name. I must report you to your parents".

"Shut-up" said Shut-up.

"Quite rude, boy. Where's your manners." bellowed an angry King.

"Over the wall, playing with Poo" Shut-up replied.

Answer 5

ill try....3 men go to heaven and god meets them at the golden gates and asks each 1 individually...'have you remained faithful 2 your wife?'the first 1 said "yes never cheated on her" so god says "ok ill give you a brand new astin martin", the second guy says "i have cheated on my wife once!" so god gives him a ford escort, the third guy said "i cheated on my wife all the time i was with her"! so god gives him a scooter!so they are all driving around in their vehicles when the 2 naughty men see the good guy in his posh car looking really upset and they ask him whats wrong and he replies "i have just seen my wife and she is on rollerskates"!!!! hope that made you laugh a bit!!

Answer 6

Here's one I wrote earlier it's called Different Class, I hope you enjoy this

My School days always seemed to be humorous with a really different class
First we had a little Chinese boy called Fu Wan Wong,
who incidentally was the beating finalist of the national pancake tossing championship,
and his cousin Wan Flip Flop, who lost his leg on a motorcycle accident,
there was Eileen Dover, who ended up as bent as K. D. Lang,
and wee Willy Pullar, he used to take a lot of stick,
but ended up as hard as a British Rail scone,
then there was Hugh Douglas, the only kid at school without a pet,
and what about wee Cleo Taurus, wee used to rub her up the wrong way,
until one day she came a cropper,
then there was Mrs King who must have been having a laugh,
as the biggest Police fan in the planet she called her wee boy sting,
then there was Laura Waterson, who spent all of her spare time swimming,
and there was a Madonna as well, yes, her name was Madonna Ferry,
and she used to throw up just crossing a puddle,
another strange child was Norma Stutts, who came to school in a Z Bra,
Andy Burns, we never seen a lot of him,
as he was always covered in blisters so he didn’t write very well,
then Cheryl Fitzgerald, would never leave the poor guy alone,
then wee Dick Small, he was hung like a small rodent,
and Louis Forrest, spent too much time in the toilet with his papers,
Neilly Dunn, we used to feel sorry for him, I think he was autistic,
he could never get to the end of anything,
and there was Lisa Lane, who we used to wind right up,
and Oliver Brown, his mother had an affair with an Asian shopkeeper,
then Robert Wilson, he spent a lot of time in prison for petty theft,
and Cheryl Boris, who would put you to sleep,
then there was the bragging Iona Carr, who was never allowed to drive it,
and wee Holly Hughes, would come to school all year round in her sandals,
and her brother Louis Hughes, would have to wear his big brothers trainers to P.E.
Ivor Aitkenhead, spent a lot of time suffering from severe migraines,
and Luke Winters, he had the worse case of dandruff you’d ever seen,
Dan D Lyon, he was a wee weed and stunk of urine,
and Arthur Elbow, didn’t know whether he was coming or going,
then there was Isa Black, who couldn’t stop with her make up,
and the ugly Emma Roids, who hung around with the colourful Muriel Walls,
who both went on to become household names.

Answer 7

so there is a boy who the court is trying to find a home for. they say he should live with his mom but the boy says his mom beats him. then the y suggest his dad but yet again the boy says his father beats him. they ask the boy who he wants to live with and he says,"The Arizona football team cause they can't beat anybody

Answer 8

Time To Put A Cork In It
A cork radio station was running a competition--- words that were not in the dictionary that could still be used in a sentence, and would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
"DJ : 96FM here, whats your name".
Caller: "Hi my name is Dave.
DJ: "Dave , whats your word?.
Caller: "Goan, spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'",
DJ: "You are correct, Dave goan is not in the dictionary, now , for your trip to Bali what sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Caller; "Goan f**k yourself".
The DJ cut the caller short and took another caller. All unsuccessfully until;
Caller: DJ: "96FM whats your name".
Caller: "Hi me name's Jeff".
DJ: "Jeff whats your word"?.
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E pronounced smee".
DJ : ".... your correct, Jeff smee is not in the dictionary, now for a trip to Bali can you use that word in that it will make logical sense?.
Caller: "Its smee again, Goan f**k yourself

Answer 9

Why does Tigger have bad breath?

Because he ate Pooh for dinner.

Answer 10

What do you call a smart blonde?
A Yellow Lab.