How do I get to know by daughters boyfriend better??

Question

She's been going with him for almost two years and he's been at our house only 4 times. I feel like she's trying to avoid having him around me. She doesn't mind when my husband bumps into the two of them. They have drinks occasionally together when I'm not around. He knows him better than I do. And I point this out to her too. When her boyfriend makes plans to show at our cardealership business for his truck repairs etc. it seems like she tries to get me out of there or makes excuses so that I leave. Later I find out, everybody has gone out to eat or have a few drinks.
I feel hurt. I have been very nice to this man, cooked a meal when he HAS been at our house, for him & I like what I know of him. I don't understand why she's being so evasive with him around me and not my husband (he's very critical )???

He's 31 and she's 24. He lives in basement at a friends house.

So far...the answer I got about my daughter's boyfriend not wanting to get too involved with our family especially me, really is what i've been suspecting. My daughter & I are very close. Go out to eat together and we are like friends at times.
He spends more time on weekends and holidays with HIS family. They live pretty far away too.

So far...the answer I got about my daughter's boyfriend not wanting to get too involved with our family especially me, really is what i've been suspecting. My daughter & I are very close. Go out to eat together and we are like friends at times.
He spends more time on weekends and holidays with HIS family. They live pretty far away too.

Answer 1

Don't be. As a man, I can tell you the reason for this. He is specifically avoiding interactions with the family, but especially with the mother. Why? Because becoming emotionally entangled with her family is the last step before getting married and they aren't ready to get married yet. It's easy to avoid interactions that make people closer when dealing with men (ie your husband) as men are naturally standoffish and independent. Not so with women. That is the issue. If and when they decide to get married, this will change. In fact, when it does change is the main sign that they are about to tie the knot. Don't push it though. It would be a huge mistake. It can be devastating to everyone involved is he becomes close to the family and then they break up.

Answer 2

Because your MOM!!!
As a mom of a 21 yr old, I know what you are talking about but have limited advise. I myself have always be opinionated and have always said what I thought, sometimes, no a lot of times she does not like what I say. I think if you are to be in there lives like you want to be you are going to have to do some changing. Your baby has grown up and has her own life now. You can't be MOM anymore, your role has changed more to friend mode now. A friend would not say a lot of things a mom would say, she is more than likely scared you will same something offensive or embarrassing. She might feel as though she does not have to listen to your unwanted advise or rules or opinions she might consider as gripping. You should try to change just a little for her. Be more upbeat and try to be more fun. I know it may go against your grain but, you should really try. It might be better for yourself too. Laugh more, joke more, enjoy yourself & be young at heart again! Besides being more happy yourself, your husband will be surprised too. You will become closer to your daughter which is a good thing, and she will no doubt confide in you, and be much more comfortable. Maybe enough to let you in completely. That is the only way to get to him, through HER. If you see her heading for disaster as mothers can only see, keep your mouth shut. She will have to learn & experience her own lifes mistakes. You had to do it I'm sure and aren;t your glad you had the chance? Give her the space any young woman deserves. I don't mean to sull up and shut her out. Be available and be a friend. It can only bring you closer.

Answer 3

Wow, it seems like the biggest problem here is communication! How old is your daughter? How is your relationship with her? Is he relationship with your husband better than her's with you? Why don't you talk to both your husband and daughter about leaving you out of there get-togethers? Tell them it hurts! Tell your daughter that as her mother, you'd like to be involved and also that you like what you know of the man so far. Suggest outtings, invite him for meals more often. Something is amiss and you need to figure it out. If you all are family, you shouldn't be left out the way you are. You must talk to both your husband and your daughter, then come up with a solution. Also consider whether you've ever acted in anyway that makes the family think you don't like the man or that you don't like to be around him.

Answer 4

Your problem just has me curious, its just so odd, also its even odder that your husband is like in on this I mean do you ever ask him why didnt you call me to join you, or say that you've noticed this and next time you guys go out after work I want a phone call and say you really mean it and almost demand it or there is gonna be trouble beetween you two maybe he's your in, but then i'm sorry it crossed my mind is there something about you your not looking at but they do again i'm sorry but do you get crazy when you drink or something or are you loud and obnoxious I mean theres got to be something and I think one way or another you should get the answer or help from your husbande if he's so called in with them. tell him you want to know if its you so you can work on it because your relationship w/your dtr and her bf is very important to you I dont know I tried GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

I think u should ask her why she is not interested in u knowing her boyfriend any better. You are apart of the family too and should be able to know him as your husband does. So have a little talk with her. Let her know that you are interested in her life decisions, and want to be involved in her life. Main thing is to just be there for children when they need u, with open arms , a shoulder and most important LOVE.!

Answer 6

well here is an idea, its a lil off the wall but i think it would work. when is your daughters bday? you could plan a surprise party for her with her bf. that way you 2 would have to be in contact a lot to make sure things are going along according to plan adn you would have to talk about what she lieks and stuff. this (i think) would bring you adn her bf together b/c you would be talknig about somethign you 2 have in common...the love of your daughter!! try it out... then when the day comes, she will be so surprised and lil woudl she know you to were talknig the whole time!! i hope this helps

Answer 7

The ONLY way you're going to get to the bottom of this is to ask some pointed questions, and insist on answers. Tell your daughter how you feel, just as you have said it here. Try to remain neutral and non-critical during the discussion. She's the only one who can tell you what's going on! She may have some fears that are completely groundless.

Answer 8

How close are you to your daughter? IF you have drifted apart, then maybe you need to work on that relationship first. IF you an her are close then getting to know him should be fairly easy, since you'd be around both of them, no?

Invite them over more often, both of them ... plan some fun things to do, where he can relax ... maybe take them bowling, or a movie or anything that they enjoy doing?

Answer 9

I feel bad for you and I understand what you are going through.....I went through something similar with my sisters boyfriend. I think the better question is (and it was in my case as well) "What does your daughter think of you"? Is she affraid of how you will act or what you might say ? What I did was have a friendly conversation with your daughter and ask her directly what the deal is.

Answer 10

get him to youre house without ya daughter there while shes down the shops and stuff and just talk seems to work for other people i know