Would you consider me to be a bad person?

Question

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 8 yrs and he has a 10yr old son from a previous one. We no no children of our own. We are suppose to get this kid every second weekend. Thats it. Well his mother has been dumping him with us every weekend and every school holiday. The rest of the time he stays with her mother. When he is with us he is so rude and disobedient that nothing we say he listens to. He has completely ruined all of our furniture, drags mud on our carpets. We just renovated our house and he has just wrecked everything. He talks back and is a smart ass to all adults and treats kids lik dirt. He is the most spoiled child I have ever met. Would it be wrong to ask my partner not to bring him into my home anymore until he can start respected me and our property?

Answer 1

sound to me like this kid has some issues.
one is probably feeling unloved by his mum if all she does is dump him on his father and the other is obviously you cos you worry more about your nice house and your nice things than the kid.
try talking to the child find out what the problem is as there obviously is one. are things find out if things are OK school is he being bullied.
is everything OK at home with his mother.
he may even feel like you are taking his father away from him or something.
you may find if you try and help the kid out you'll get some respect in return. try and be a friend to him not an enemy.
furniture can replaced a childhood can not.

i wouldn't say your a bad person id say your not making the right decisions

Answer 2

The fact that you refer to this child as "this kid" says a lot. He may be rude and horrid. Ask yourself why? What happened that his parents created him and then just two years later split up? Why does he have to go back and forth between houses? Why does his mother "dump" him on you - and why do you feel dumped on? No wonder he's a brat - from reading your e-mail it seems like there is no love in his life. If you've been with your partner for 8 years - and the child is 10 - that means you've been around since he was two? That's hundreds of weekends for you and your partner to make a difference in his life!! Or was your partner not in the life of the child for all of this time? When you partnered up - I hope you knew this person was a package deal - because they were!!! The child should be MUCH more important in your partner's life than YOU. And that little boy - no matter how rude or horrible is WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FURNITURE!!!!! Sell the damn furniture and get some therapy for this child!! Please!

So - would I consider you to be a bad person? No. There are no bad people. God didn't make us that way. But there are people who make bad choices - and yours have not been too good in this area. And if your partner chooses you and your furniture and carpet over a child - then that's a really bad choice too. You both can change all of that though - and I hope you do.

Answer 3

This child needs some serious boundries!! Apparently his mother has no rules for him and his grandmother must not either. In order for this child to be a functioning adult in the world someone needs to show him some structure and discipline!!! I think you need to be very aggressive with this! Talk with your partner about the fact that you would love to share the home with the child when he becomes a respectful and thoughtful young man until then you are not willing to be a part of the problem. I suggest some major rules set by your partner and yourself. Inforce those rules everytime he is in your presence. Show him he is absolutely not allowed to act like a gorilla in your home. If your partner refuses to help change the behavior of this boy then he is doing a very big disservice to not only you but the boy as well and you would have every right to refuse the child in your home.

Answer 4

I am in the same situation. My daughter is 12, and every weekend she is here. Her attitude is going way down hill. And it is frustrating. But, The problem is not her. It is her mom. All she hears is negative remarks, and other things that are wrong to say. Another thing is her rules at home.
Her mom get child support, but still has her ask me to buy her everything, epically the expensive things she knows I cannot afford, just so I am the bad guy that don't buy her stuff. You have to remember, this is a child, and they are put in a terrible situation. Be thankful for every visit, it is a chance for you to show them proper behavior, and hopefully, as they grow up, your influence is stronger than the bad at home. It is not easy, but remember, your the adult. You have been with this person for 8 years, so in a way you should be like a mom to the boy. If you cannot be there for him, then you need to re think your relationship. You cannot be a partner for this man and not be there for the child too.

Put yourslef in this guys shoes too, if you was with someone and had a child not theirs, would you want them feeling this way about yours?

Answer 5

Set down the rules and make them go by it so you can have a nice house agian. You can make it where the child does not want to come visit you but need to just have clear rules to follow. Need to let him know that some weekends ned to b your time. Not the kids evry weekend. If the child spends that much time we need to look at keep our share of the child support for the extra time in keeping the child. A child knows what they can get away with. Let him know do that at moms not here. He needs to support you in raising this child when in your house or not bring him there. You have to be on the same page in the expectations.

Answer 6

I don't believe you are wrong in your thinking but your partner may get upset with you. He is probably just as frustrated as you but this child is his. Talk with your partner and see what the two of you can figure out. Perhaps this kid needs some counseling. I would say family counseling. Someone needs to put there foot down with this kid. You and your partner need to be a team on this.

Answer 7

I would not consider you a bad person for feeling this way, but maybe he needs counseling if he cannot control himself. Pushing him away all together though, he is a package deal, however it is your option to move on. I think most people would hold a resentment if they were made to choose between you and their child, no matter how rotten. If he is not going to discipline, then suggest counseling for the family. Good Luck with whatever you do!

Answer 8

I agree that something has to be done,but what I don't know. maybe you and your husband should talk with the sons mom about his behavior. Then you and your husband need to agree of certain rules for when the kid is in your home that he must go by.
and that he must stick to while visiting, be careful though this could turn out to be a big mess.

Answer 9

I know the score here. She is dropping the son off every weekend not for her x to have access, but because she probally want to go the pub! its for her, not for him, she is taking the mic. Your partner wants to put his foot down with the lad, he need a good talking too, and it would do his x good if he said your away for the weekend, or maybe you could book a few sat nights out, and what a shame, he wont be able to come.

Answer 10

that's a difficult situation.
the child needs a stable home and guidelines to live by, but it isn't your responsibility to provide same.
obviously his mother isn't coping with him, so he's becoming feral.
in fact, the one person who should be taking responsibility is the father.
If that doesn't happen, the next best option is to refuse to have the child in your home.
good luck. I think that's going to get worse before it gets better.