my livein bf of 3yrs has this old gf that will contact him from time to time(email,my space,cell phone,,,)and he wil respond back.they have quite a past together both were first love dated on and off for the last 20 yrs.She manged to get him to cheat on his first wife and leave his wife and child.every yr she finds some way to contact him it maybe more but thats all i catch and it's not just a hi how are you.You can tell she still has an interest in him in the things she says.the problem i have my bf never tells me when she contacts him i allways have to find out the sneaky way he also goes out of his way to make sure i don't find out.My question is once a cheater always a cheater?Also i can tell from the things he has said to me he really cares deeply for her its just not one night stand my god he has even talked about her in his sleep.i can tell by the things she has said to him she feels the same way is not more.So why have they over 20yrs never been able to stay with each other?
2006-10-28 17:04:23 · 15 answers · asked by sue_mkr 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Something very real is going on. Something that is not good for you, or for him.
He may love her, but he also can't stand her. That's why he can't stick with her. He's been with you for three years, and that has to count for something... but they've known each other for 20 years.
This isn't something that should be continuing to happen though. This woman is ruining his life. She's already ended one marriage, and this is not good for your relationship.
Do you want him? Do you want to keep finding these notes? Something isn't right here. Something needs to change. Somebody needs to get a man of her own. Unless you're willing to share, you'd better talk to your husband, and find out if it's her or you.
2006-10-28 17:26:36 · answer #1 · answered by ye_river_xiv 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Continued contact with an ex is inappropriate if a current bf/gf is not ok with it. It doesn't matter if he is cheating or not. If you have strong feelings that this makes you uncomfortable then this is where he has to stop conversing with this ex. You have to know that this also gives your BF a free pass to ask you something of you in return. I am not a big fan of ultimatums, but I would be very skeptical of someone who can't give up a former relationship especially when he has history with that same someone and cheated on a former wife.
You know this so stop asking these silly questions.
However, once you ask this favor of him, you must trust that he is telling you the truth. If you take nothing from my response at least hear this.... If a person is going to cheat on you then they are going to cheat on you and it wont matter if you try to find out or stop certain behaviors. If someone wants to cheat it will inevitably happen no matter what. And you will go nuts if you keep sneaking around behind his back. This snooping behavior is right next to being untruthful and makes you unhappy with yourself for stooping to that level.
2006-10-29 00:23:37 · answer #2 · answered by jasenwhetstone 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He prob does still love her...in some way. When you have a long history with someone then they usually tend to be special to you. Having said that though...
It sounds like he could be with her, but he doesn't pursue it. It seems like he knows it doesn't work with her. He is with you, and if you truly want to be with him then you have to stop the sneaky stuff...that will only hurt you and fuel the jealousy. My opinion is if you are looking for something to be mad about you will always find something to be mad about. That is how jealousy works; it's an evil emotion. If you really love him and want it to work out, then trust that he really loves you and wants the same. It is natural to want to contact a person who had a special part in your life, but that's all it was, a "part" of his life. The present part of his life is with you. If something is going on, the hard evidence will surface. But, don't go looking for "evidence". Our minds can do crazy things when they are desperate, like take an e-mail message out of context. Give the guy a chance. Every person has done something in a past relationship that they are not proud of. You are with him despite what he did to his previous girlfriends/wife. So be with him, love him, and accept him for the person he is...even the stuff that's not so perfect.
2006-10-29 00:19:07 · answer #3 · answered by Amaranth 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I"m sorry but maybe you need to give a break or talk to him about it and leave him b/c you can stay with this happpening.. i mean she broke off his marriage ...what makes you think she cant break you guys apart? and if he is trying to hide it from you when she calls there is something there...
im really sorry but you should really talk to him and maybe ask a really good friend to follow him around without him noticing to see if he is doin anything wrong...
good luck!
Ps: I don't believe in the once a cheater always a cheater b/c a person can change....and regret what they did in the first place...
2006-10-29 00:09:43 · answer #4 · answered by Cutie77 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They say that when you dig for trouble you're sure to find it.
I would just ask him to honestly tell you how he feels about you.
Its hard to say if talking in your sleep means you are wanting that person or whatever but it sure is a sign that something is not right. That is another thing you need to talk to him about. . It sounds like they haven't moved on from one another and until he is ready to it doesn't look like it any time soon. If he is going to cheat there really is nothing you can do about that since people cheat because THEY want to.
You need to find out from him what his intentions with you are. If he says that he wants to be with you you need to let him know you are not comfortable with his relationship with his ex. But keep in mind that if you have been involved with someone for a very long time, they are always going to have a special place in their heart. The difference is that when you have moved on you keep that in the past. You do thing that show you respect the person you are currently involved with and that would be keeping convo with ex to the bare min. See the thing is, if they are just friends then why is he sneaking off to talk to her. If he is truly involved with you then his actions will show that he does not have time to talk to her.
Long story short, you just need to find out his intentions with you and if he has truly moved on from this girl. Be mindful, his actions will say it all.
2006-10-29 00:25:59 · answer #5 · answered by m_harvery 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is the kind of woman who likes him unavailable. There are alot of women out there that think he is more attractive when he has a girlfriend. She keeps testing him to see if she still has it. I would be real straight forward with him. After 3yrs in this relationship, there are certain no-nos. If he wants to still be friends with his ex, then you have to be friends also. Kill it with kindness. Being sneaky will just make him hide it and get angry at u. I say bring it out in the open.
2006-10-29 00:16:31 · answer #6 · answered by maki6497 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you willing to let him go? Sounds like this is the only way for you. If you have been with him for 3 years and this behavior has been acceptable for you, then what is the problem?
Also, if you had all this information about him leaving his first wife and child for this woman, what possessed you to get into a relationship with him just so you can drive yourself insane, wondering if he will do the same thing to you.
ONLY YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-10-29 00:11:47 · answer #7 · answered by lovinp 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that you are crazy,and I don't believe in the saying once a cheater always a cheater,because I used to cheat on my ex-boyfriends,and now I met my true love and I would never even think of cheating on him. I don't think that the guy your with truely cares about you,because if he knew it bothered you he would quit talking to her.my fiancee's sister is still best friends with his ex and he will fight with his family about bringing her around because it makes me uncomfortable,we even skipped his nephews 6th birthday because she was there,if he trulely cared about your feelings he would put this to an end.you have to put your foot down and really figure out what you will put up with.
2006-10-29 00:34:10 · answer #8 · answered by ANGELA S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, once a cheater always a cheater. If he is trying to hide this from you it's an issue. If she was able to get him to leave his last wife and child than YES it is a problem. Move on.
2006-10-29 00:08:37 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you're not crazy. You know that he has cheated before and humans are unfortunately creatures of habit. He has a habit with his ex.
If he is interested in kicking that habit, he's not giving you any indications. Have you ever asked him if he's been in contact with her?
His answer or non-answer should speak volumes to you. I hate to say it,but RUN AWAY! Find yourself a guy who will be hopelessly hung up ON YOU.
2006-10-29 00:26:09 · answer #10 · answered by helpmemama 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋