20-year-old son moved to the other side of United States 3 weeks later. I knew it would be hard to lose my mother, and I knew the day would come when my son needed to be independent but I am finding that instead of slowly recuperating from both of these losses, that I seem to be getting worse with more tears, sadness, depression and hopelessness that life is over.
I have only lived in this area a relatively short time and most of that time has been filled with taking care of my dying mother and sons needs. I am not sure what to do now to save my own sanity. I have few friends here for a support system, have not found much in way of support groups.....just feel loss and like life is over. Any suggestions for help? Please no "God" answers as the prayers go unanswered in spite of all the good I have done all my life for others.
2006-10-28 16:24:38 · 24 answers · asked by Surfgirl2go 3 in Health ➔ Mental Health
For a long time your life has revolved around other people and when those people are no longer there for you to help it is more than understandable that you feel out of place.
Your life is not over, im sure your mother and your son would both firmly agree that your life is worth more than purely supporting them. but, a chapter of your life has closed ...ready for you to write the next one.
it's not easy losing a parent - even if they've been ill for a long time and you knew it was coming. when it does come you can never be fully prepared. it can take a while before things hit you and six weeks isnt that long. i know its not a nice thing to go through, ive been there but i can only tell you that even though its always strange them not being there it does get easier to cope with. your son moving away around the same time is a hard blow to deal with too. i know it's probably the last thing you feel like doing but get out there and meet new people, i bet you know that's what your mum and son would want you to do.
hey, i sound like one of those 'god' people now huh? :) when i say 'out there' it doesn't have to be anything 'out there' if you know what i mean. I'm not suggesting you start dancing at airports and join a dodgy cult or start bungey jumping off bridges. but something simple like a class at a community college or reading groups at your library. something that you enjoy and can help you be around others.
if you can't find a support group you could try looking into setting one up for people in your area. but seriously anything that can be a pleasure for you to to do, drawing, cooking, writing porn!
You might be able to guess that im not a big god follower, but it helps some people get through their own problems so in that respect i have no problems with them believing in her/him/it. gods; whether capitalised or lowercase, plural or otherwise are there so that a persons belief in them can transmute into faith into themselves and that is the most important thing. look at it this way, you're cutting out the middle man. you ARE strong enough to get through this even though it might not feel like it right now. (see, you already have the faith of some scary englishwoman and i dont know you as well as you know yourself)
i wish all the best
2006-10-28 17:22:37 · answer #1 · answered by isildurs_babe 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
That's alot of change..... wouldn't be fair not to feel something.
You don't have to act on EVERY feeling that comes your way.
Ever heard of "Be STILL and know"?
Endings are beginnings... you ARE going to be okay.
Prayers aren't ever unanswered.... we just don't all ways clue in to the miracles right away.
When life doesn't go the way WE want it too it is because God has better ideas.
Dead isn't an end.... it's like going home after being gone so long you forgot you left. Your mom is fine... God IS Love.
You did your best, God will take care of the REST..... it'll all make sense eventually.
You know what you need to know for now.
Tahitian Noni Juice has worked miracles for my body.... how I feel. You can find out about it at www.tni.com
Ever heard of Joel Osteen? He has a book named "Your best life now" that may help you refocus.
Steven Halpern has a music cd called "Healing Music" that is great for destressing and relaxing.
www.stevenhalpern.com
www.beliefnet.com has a quiz that will point you in the direction of whatever religion you identify with.... go find a church and meet people that reflect what you believe. You aren't done being here yet.....
The thing about God and going home is that when you get there it is like NO TIME has passed.... so don't worry about missing anything while you are "here" and your mom is "there".
Give yourself time to adjust and refocus.... take a nice walk, watch the sun set and rise... God paints great sky to remind you that every day is a NEW day.
I hope you feel better soon.
Do you have pet? Maybe a nice little dog would help keep you company? Or a cat?
Animals have a geat way of reminding you that you ARE LOVED no matter what.
Check out the local shelter or something?
Don't forget the Tahitian Noni Juice... I've been drinking a couple ounces a day for almost 2 years now and I feel SO MUCH better....... all over.
Blessings.
2006-10-29 00:27:07 · answer #2 · answered by wildflower 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all im sorry for you to be going thru this, My father died unexpectedly and two week later my daughter moved to another state and at the time it was more than i could handle.Hearing someone say it will get better doesnt help right now,take your time tho it wont all be resolved in six weeks,maybe not six months. Such life changing and stressful things happening at once is a hard thing to handle.I went to the doctor and told him how I was feeling I wanted to sleep all the time which is your body shutting off your mind to what is tormenting you, do not be afraid to ask for an antidepressant to get over the hopelessness. You may not have to take it for an extended amount of time,also if you have anyone you can talk to dont bottle up all feeling about your mom sometimes you just need to talk and talk and remember the good things,the funny things. I would suggest checking with Hospice if you have one in your area they can refer you to someone can help.good luck go see a doctor.You know there are things worse than death like lying there suffering with no hope of recovery,or being left with no mind etc so the "god" thing is an answered prayer to not let your loved one suffer
2006-10-28 23:44:40 · answer #3 · answered by g m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You truly sound like you know exactly what is going on. And maybe getting responses on the Yahoo site will help (I know I love doing the IM thing...especially when I am feeling lonely).
You did a good thing by your Mom. And you have done a brilliant thing by your son. You raised him to be independent. Congratulations! You are a good MOM.
I'm no shrink, but it looks to me that you have lost your "definition". You were a "MOM", a "CARE GIVER", and now you don't have a title.
You really are not alone. Imagine all the other people in the world who also are in your situation!
So, there are support groups, exercise is always tremedous therapy. You could return to hobbies you stopped engaging in when you became a parent. Lots of things you can find to do. Because you are no longer needed as a parent or a caregiver does not mean that your life has to end. You will find a way to redefine it, it you want to.
2006-10-28 23:43:48 · answer #4 · answered by huckleberry 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, my condolences on your Mother. I know how it is to watch your Mom go from cancer. It is so terribly difficult to deal with. I know you said no God answers, but forgive me because I know that God will answer your prayers, in fact he has already started to. I went through the same senario in 04, , right on the heals of a heart breaking divorce after a 29 year long marriage. Besides my Mom, I also buried my three younger brothers, and my Dad in the last few years. My son went off to college, far away right before the divorce, and gave up a full scholarship due to the depression he suffered during my divorce. I do not tell you this for pity, but to tell you that despite all this, despite at 48 years old, losing my ranch in Colorado, my retirement, all that I had saved, and aquired in 29 years, my own depression, near suicide, I came through only because God was there, and Jesus walked with me through all this. Now yes my life turned out very different than the way it was going, and I was totally surprised at all I was able to go through and survive. Now, like you I, I had to adapt. I have found new friends, a new love,. I am moving soon to a new location across country from where I live now, and life is good. Not perfect, but good. Please , take some time and go do something for you. I went to Eastern Europe for a month, also spent six months seeing old friends that I had not seen for years, and relocated. You will get through. Your Son loves you, and will be there for you, let him stretch his wings a bit. Your Mother loved you, and appreciated your loving care. It is not a cliche, she is in a better place, and a lot happier than when she wash here and sick. I have seen this so many times, the pain, the lonlieness, the anguish. I have seen people eaten up and bitter in their heart because they gave up and would not try. But I have seen it turn around, and life begins to bloom like a new flower. Take your time, it took me actually three years to get over my divorce, and I still miss my Mom, and family, as you do. But you have only so many days on this Earth, enjoy them, be positive, it will get better, I promise. You will find some one out there, and you will smile and laugh again. It is an old saying, but it is true, one day at a time, and lean on your friends for support, even the new ones online you have never met.
2006-10-28 23:58:02 · answer #5 · answered by stevensings20032001 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know that this time of your life is troubling and it seems that things will never feel "right" or "normal", but I truly believe that time takes care of everything.As simple as it may sound my mother and grandmother has always told me that and it stands true.The reason I know is because I too have endured things that seemed hopeless and time has conquered them.I know that the time in between is the problem but in the meantime focus on things that do bring you joy.Even if it is the smallest of things.As for your son I have not been through this stage in my life yet because my children are young but I do dread the day they fly and look forward to it because I feel it shows me the reflection of things I have taught them by being their parent.You knew that one day your son would have his independence so just focus on the fact that you did all you could do in parenting him and raising him into the person he has become and be proud of his accomplishments and strengths.I think you would benefit from getting involved in your community so that you could socialize and meet new people.You can do this by volunteering etc.I hope this helps you and brings you the peace you desire with your situation.I know you said no "God" answers but all your prayers are answered sometimes when they are not the way you want them to be answered people think God is ignoring them but he has a greater plan that we don't understand especially at trying times.Faith in God will help you to understand and not question him.I know that God knows us before we are formed and already knows what the future holds, and he doesn't make mistakes.Please don't let your faith in God decrease because now is when you need to strengthen it so he can help you endure this.I tell you this in Gods Love and I hope you take heed to this.Be Strong, and carry on with your life, discover you as an individual not as the daughter of, the mother of,just you.Take this time to set some life goals and work to achieve them,this will help your self -esteem and once you respect yourself and love yourself you can accept things that life (not God) throws at you.
2006-10-28 23:53:06 · answer #6 · answered by daddysgirl92280 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Thats a lot to deal with... I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I cant imagine what you are going through.
The first thing I thought of while reading your question was "move".. you have nothing holding you, go! Go somewhere you always wanted to, but never could (ie.. son!) go for it!
The other thing I thought of was adopt a pet.. I have two cats and a huge German Shepherd cross.. they help fill the void of all I have missed, and all those I have lost...
Best of luck to you.. I hope you find what you are looking for...!
2006-10-28 23:42:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
my 64 year old mom died in my arms back in july from sudden complications stemming from pneumonia. the loss was devastating. plus i have depression issues to begin with i was diagnosed back in 1993 i am still feeling lost so i can relate to what and how you are feeling.
here is my best advise for you. first note that what you are experiencing is normal and you can and will recover and heal from this you just have to keep believing that. i got grievance counseling both individual and group offered thru the hospital where by mom died and it helped a great deal. you should also consult a psychiatric and therapist for and evaluation and possibly some short term medication to help thru this please seek help now don't also this to control you as you have the power to control it !!
please contact me by clicking on my i-con if you want some extra support you'd be surprised how much comfort you can find a stranger.
best of luck to you,
doda
2006-10-29 01:05:02 · answer #8 · answered by Simply D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may need a change in diet. I was feeling very depressed for a long period of time. Then I started taking supplements and began eating better meals. I could really tell the difference. Also if you would like to have someone to IM with once in a while feel free to email me. Take care...God Bless.
2006-10-28 23:34:36 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You've had 3 major life changing events in your life. You haven't had time to grieve for any of them. The suggestion for you to move 'back' with your friends could possibly help, depending on how close you remain with them. You are starting on a totally new part of your life. You have no one really to take care of anymore and your at a loss. Try to take care of you now. Look in your phone book for activities in your community to help get you out. If you don't have a community meeting center check at your YWCA and see what they have to offer. It would really help you to stay busy and get interested in new things right now. Good luck.
2006-10-28 23:32:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋