My in-laws are going to be grandparents again. I'm due in mid-June. How should I deal with telling them?

Question

They haven't spoken to us in about a year (at Christmas and our daughter's February birthday they sent gifts, but no contact other than that).

The dispute is really between my husband and his father. I managed to stay out of it, but decided to step back even more when I could see that everyone else was taking sides.

I don't agree with my husband in his argument either, but I will support him (without encouraging his stubbornness).

We've just learned that I'm pregnant again! I am doing just fine without my in-laws' "support" although they used to help us out quite a bit. They do have some alcohol dependence issues that I'm glad NOT to be around anymore; my husband and I choose not to drink much at all.

I do want them to know they're having another grandchild. But I'm not really hoping for reconciliation.

I plan to let everyone else know (my parents and a few close friends know already) I'm pregnant in the new year.

When and how should I let my in-laws know?

Sweetthing: oh yes, I’ve told my husband exactly that, many different ways. He can’t hear it, but if I went against his wishes, he would think (mistakenly, but I don’t blame him for being confused) that I don’t respect him and don’t understand how injured he is by his parents, although I have empathized with him many times.

Colleen O: See above. Being supportive of my husband as long is how I have chosen to deal with this. I have not kept my daughter from her grandparents. My husband has not even kept my daughter from his parents. THEY have CHOSEN to deprive her of THEIR presence. They refuse to humble themselves enough to apologize, or even ask if we can come to a compromise so that they can see our little girl. If they were to make any kind of a move I would welcome the chance to try for reconciliation. My husband and I both have tried and been met with ice (e.g. “the last thing you want to be telling us is how your husband really is”).

Kandy: It’s not clear what the argument is about anymore, I think my husband and his dad would both say different things. Which leads me to believe that what the argument is REALLY about is embedded in years of sad, sad blaming, abandonment, control. It’s not even just about the alcohol, nor is it just about money, or smoking, or anything else, but these are all points that have been brought up by one side or both. And neither is completely right.

Douglas D: You wonder right! When my hubby and I got together his PARENTS thought I was the solution to their relationship problems (it has been rocky for years between my husband and his parents). My husband does have unresolved issues with his parents, he might be happy to say alcohol is the root issue, but I know that’s not all of it. Co-Dependance seems to ring many bells. Thanks for the suggestion. Your suggestion about visitation between grandchildren and grandparents sounds hopeful, would require miraculous changes of people tho!

Silver2: I really don’t think alcohol is the root of the problem. My husband and I have had many long talks about this, we went to counselling once (hubby broke down in tears in the session, but since has come up with an excuse for why he cried, to rationalize us not needing to go back). Your thoughts about my husband wanting to protect us from issues are valid. Since I really don’t drink either, I don’t think we really need my husband’s protection, (they don’t drink much unless we are willing to join them) but perhaps there’s something to be explored there. Maybe my husband needed protection from their abuse. I need him to understand why he feels this way and why he is doing what he is.

Answer 1

Wow, that's a tuffy. Really it should be your husbands responsibility to inform his parents, but then I have to wonder if he might be inclined to never contact them. That would be a very hurtfull & harmfull thing to do. If I were you I would urge him to send a card or a note at the very least to let them know about their new Grandchild, & then I would hope that he would at least phone them with the happy news when your child is born.
It sounds to me that your husband has a lot of anger toward his parents, & alcohol is the root issue.

He may benefit by reading a book that helped me when my wife was suffering from alcohol dependance.
It's called "Co-Dependant No More" by Melody Beatty.
It explains the things that the loved ones of Addicts do & how those things that we do, don't work.
It might also help him resolve some of his anger toward his parents, & allow him to let them see their Grandchildren (under the right conditions of course).

Answer 2

Congratulations!

Your statement, "they do have some alcohol dependence issues..." sends up red flags for me and while you haven't said so, was the argument between your husband and father alcohol related?

Personally, I wouldn't inform them of the pending birth of your child until you've had a long talk with your husband and find out how HE wants to handle notifying them. It's possible that your husband still has unresolved issues from childhood regarding his parent's alcohol abuse and he is trying to protect his family from some of the same issues he endured as a child.

Good luck to all of you.

Answer 3

If you are sure you want to wait until the New Year, maybe you should send them a few pictures of your child you already have and maybe a family photo and just say Happy New Year! I was just thinking about you guys and wanted to make your year a little brighter by letting you know you are going to be grandparents again in June! With a card it is more of an ice breaker. You are giving them an opportunity to respond. If you tell them face to face it will put them in an weird position especially if you guys really aren't speaking anyway. What in the world is the argument about anyway?

Answer 4

that could placed you up approximately 25-26 weeks or so. i'm due June twenty 5th and am 24 weeks. This toddler is kicking up a typhoon. Are you feeling circulate? exhibiting? i spotted to, yet as somebody else stated previously, with a miscarriage you do way better than spot. i might seem right into a sparkling ob or a minimum of a 2d opinion. ultimate of luck!

Answer 5

Our parents didn't approve of us getting married. They were "civil" and came to the wedding, but told us they didn't want anything to do with us again. This was 40 yrs ago. We just adopted family. Holidays were filled with "aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas" and there wasn't a blood relative in the bunch. Our house was full of love. We chose our relatives instead of fighting with our real ones. They missed out on 2 really wonderful grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. It is their loss. Our kids wouldn't know any of them if they met them in the grocery store. But they have loving "adopted" relatives who have come to their soccer games, graduations, and weddings. You don't NEED your relatives.

Answer 6

First of all if you don't agree with your husband you shoud have the ability to stand up and say so. Being "supportive" isn't going to fix anything. Secondly your daughter has a right to spend time with her grandparents and you have kept her from them and them from her for a year? That is horrible. A child has the right to have face to face contact with people who are important in their lives especially grand parents. There are a few things I didn't like about my inlaws but they were my daughter's grandparents and my ex father inlaw's parents (daughters GREAT grandparents) were still alive and there is nothing on this earth that would cause ME from keeping her from getting to know her grandparents as well as great grandparents. She grew up knowing her entire family on both sides and has a knowledge of both families cultural backgrounds and her own heritage why would you deprive your child of that?

Answer 7

I agree with silver2 - see above. My husband doesn't talk with his family at all. I don't think it's the best thing, but I do know that I don't want the same influences that my in-laws made on my husband's life growing up on our children. The family is very dysfunctional. Then again, so is mine. *sigh* It's all very sad when families are so screwed up.

Answer 8

every child is a "blessing from god" and yes the grandparent`s have the right to know there`s a little one on the way! if it`s possible to call them(without you getting upset)then call them.there`s just something about getting (baby on the way)news,coming person to person that makes it all "so much" worth your effort.i pray all goes well.my daughter has had 6 boy`s and we have had our falling-outs,but she let me no when she was exspecting,and even tho i felt (don`t she no what`s causing all these pregnancies)i was still overjoyed of each one(god`s precious gift)you`ve been blessed,tell the grandparent`s to be.best of luck to you.

Answer 9

Did u ever tell your husband that what he is doing affects the kids relationship with their grandparents. I say tell him to drop it and just tell them.I say call them and let them know of the good news.Good luck

Answer 10

Just send them a nice little notecard with the good news.