Know any good religion jokes?

Question

Only clean ones, please.

I'll get things started:

Two nuns were on their way to St. Mary's hospital when they ran out of gas. They knew there was a gas station a mile down the road but they didn't have a gas can. So instead, they used one of the bed pans they were delivering to the hospital to bring some gas back. As they were filling up the car a man drove past them with his wife. After seeing what they were doing he leans over to his wife and says, "Now that's what I call faith!"

Answer 1

There was once a man who came to church terribly drunk. The pastor noticed this, and politely asked him to leave so as not to be a distraction during the sermon. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and sits down in one of the pews. A little frustrated, the pastor repeats what he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks up to the front of the church and sits down in one of the pews. The pastor is starting to lose his patience, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, and before he can say a word, the pastor explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk….Get out of my church!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the pastor and asks, "Man, how many churches do you pastor?"

Answer 2

Okay, how about a military one?

A General Officer finds himself at the pearly gates in a long line of military personnel waiting to get in. The line is moving extremely slowly, and he figures, "well, I'm a General, they'll have to let me in first. After all, rank has its privileges." And, finally reaching the pearly gates, he encounters Saint Peter who tells him there are no favorites here, go back to the end of the line. So back the General goes, and waits for seemingly eons to get back up to the front.

As he nears Saint Peter, he turns around and from a long way off, somebody else is walking toward the pearly gates. As the person gets closer, he sees that it is a First Sergeant making his way up to the front. St. Peter drops his clipboard, snaps to attention, offers a crisp salute, and the First Sergeant strides on into Heaven. Of course the General is incensed by this, and he shouts out to Saint Peter, "NO FAIR! I'm a General Officer and you made me wait forever to get this far. And yet you let a lowly First Sergeant walk right on by and give him the honors that I'm supposed to have. I want to talk to God about this!"

St. Peter replies, "Uh, Sir, that WAS God. Sometimes he just thinks he's the First Sergeant!".

Answer 3

without question, prepared religions have a protracted heritage of doing advise-lively issues interior the call of God that are nicely documented. regardless of if, that doesn't advise that there is no longer large value in having non secular/non secular ideals and concepts, and it does not advise that faith is a shaggy dog tale. What I even have got here across to be actual is that it extremely is an exceptionally spectacular, existence-improving factor to place love into the international and to advance our capacities for such issues as forgiveness, compassion, gratitude etc. this is completely useful which you will doubt regardless of set of ideals you have have been given, alongside with regardless of if or no longer God exists, and that i desire you the main suitable on your guy or woman own non secular experience.

Answer 4

two little boys being naughty .. and their mum is just getting fed up with them
so she decides they need a lesson on being more spiritual
she asks the minister to come round and have a talk with them .. which he does
so the minister asks the first boy .. " do you know where Jesus is ? "
the boy remained quiet
so the minister turned to the other boy and asked " do you know where Jesus is ? "
at that the two boys looked at each other and ran to their mother
as they cried hysterically she asked them what on earth was the matter
the boys calmed down just enough to tell her
" mum that man in their thinks we kidnapped a man called Jesus !! "

Answer 5

Jesus, Mary Magdalen, a little boy leper and Judas go to King Herod's palace and tell him "We've got a great act that would be perfect for your party this Friday" King Herod is skeptical but says, "Okay, you've got five minutes...Show me what it is."

Jesus punches Mary Magdalen hard in the stomach and she vomits. Judas rips off Mary's robes and slaps her breasts until they're red. The little leper boy opens Jesus' robes and begins performing fellatio on him. Mary takes off Judas' robes and begins licking his rectum. Jesus then begins to masturbate Judas while the little leper boy takes a big, diseased bowel-movement right in the puddle of vomit. Jesus pushes Mary into the vomit and excrement face first. Her nose hits the hard stone floor and shatters causing her to bleed profusely. Judas then sodomizes the little leper boy forcefully while Jesus performs cunnilingus on Mary as she writhes around in the blood and vomit and excrement. Judas pushes the little leper boy into the blood and vomit and excrement and then ejaculates on his head. Jesus gets up, and urinates all over the little leper boy who is now inserting his fist into Mary Magdalen's anus. They all jump up and stand up in a line and shout "Ta-da!"

King Herod stares silently for a moment and then says rather meekly, "That's quite an act...What do you call it?"

Jesus answers, "The Gospel of the Aristocrats!"

Answer 6

So, I'm standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A car load of well meaning, bible thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle aged professionally dressed woman rushes forward...She takes my arm and with trembling voices she asks...."Have you found Jesus?" Her eyes plead with an urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop.

Now normally I just politely decline the sermon, and free religious paperwork that such folk pawn off on unsuspecting by-standers. But, unfortunately for her, she is the fourth car to accost me in the last 9 minutes. So by now I'm beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with these people. I mean if its not Christians it is the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Can a simple Druid get no peace?

So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic I reply, "You people lost him, again??"

The woman looks confused. This is not the response she was hoping for and she needs to regroup. She takes a deep breath intending to launch into her sales pitch for her God, and church, paying no heed to the concept that I might not be into being converted. I decide to not let her get going so I launch into a speech of my own...

"What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you've lost Him!" I hit her with a glare of accusation. "I mean really..." I take a measured breath. "How do you expect to have anyone follow a deity that you can't even find!"

The poor woman looks stunned. This isn't going so good. Panicked she looks desperately to the car... Surely one of the men can help.... Undaunted I press on... "Maybe the problem is with you people... I mean Muslims never seem to loose there deity. Come to think of it neither do Jews, or Pagans of any kind."

I look at the man getting out of the car. He's all smiles. "I realize you people used to burn people like me at the stake... What was that about... deity even? I may be a Pagan-heathen, but I have never ever woke up panicked that I couldn't find my Goddess or God. They are always right where they should be... In the fire of my candle, in the air that I breath, in the earth that I stand on, in the water of my spring. I never feel abandoned by my deity(ies)."

"Of course, you Christians aren't much fun..." I continue. By now they are all out of the car.

Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words.

"Of course," I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. "He could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly He was Jewish. So if you are really so eager to find him..." I smile gently to soften the blow. "Check the nearest synagogue. He's probably in there. Also you folks should try and remember that this is America... Where freedom of religion means ALL religions."

Slowly they climb back into their car and drive away. I stand at the bus stop... No pamphlets, no bible, no dogma. I haven't found Jesus, but I haven't lost him either:)

Someone sent this to you because they believe no one can have to much Deity.

It is a blessing in disguise. You can keep it to your self or pass it on.

Oh, and if you've found Jesus, please get his face on the evening news A.S.A.P so the Christians can stop looking for him.

Answer 7

An Imam and his family were on their way to Friday prayers. He looks at his young son and asks him, "Son, do you understand why it is so important that you are quiet while I am giving my sermon?". The little boy looks up at his dad and says, "yes, Daddy, so I don't wake anyone up."

Answer 8

silly person 2 pts

Answer 9

jesus walks into a hotel, puts three nails up on the counter, and says "put me up for the night"

Answer 10

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