I have had this happen to me quite a few times....?

Question

I walk in with my mum or dad into the the doctors or shops, and I speak on their behalf for something - and the assistants always end up talking to them instead....this is even so when it is so obvious that my mum or dad has left me to do the talking....I ask them a question and they answer the question to my mum, and they carry on the conversation with them - even when my mum hands it back to me to talk, the assistant keeps talking to my mum instead?? I have thought about my manners, but i am always very courteous and I do take care and make the effort to be polite. I don't think it's my age because I'm in my late 20s, so it's not really a case of dealing with the 'adult' instead. Am i doing something wrong, or do they have a problem?

Answer 1

I think that this is just courteous. I'm a waitress and one of my biggest pet peeves is when men order for women, as if they don't have a mind of there own. I've even had men tell women that they were going to order something even if they didn't want it. So when this happens, i always look at the woman, not the man, when i'm asking questions even though i'm sure he will be answering. So in your case, if you are translating which i hope you are, i hope you are not keeping your parents from speaking for themselves if the assistants speak the same language, then the assistants are probably just being courteous, because really it is your parents that they are asking the questions to and even if they are answering via you, they are still answering.

Answer 2

That sounds very rude and annoying! What kind of thing are you buying? Is it something that's likely to be for your mum or is it everyday things?

My first thought was that they were probably assuming you are there to buy something for them because they can't communicate properly in some way. Like you are just there to help them. They are deaf or have alzheimers or something like that.
If someone comes into a shop with someone in a wheelchair staff are usually trained to pay most attention to the person in the wheelchair because it's really them doing the shopping, but they need some help. They don't want them to feel ignored or excluded.
Usually they will look and talk to the person who's pushing too though.

In your case (since your mum is able to have a conversation?) my thoughts are that the shopkeepers are probably trying to be respectful towards your mum and include her in things, especially if she is just standing there like a spare potato when you're busy doing the exchanging of cash etc.
If it was the other way around and your mum was buying the stuff the shopkeeper would probably look up and smile at you or say hi etc.

Still seems rude though, the way you've described it.

Btw if you are in the doctors and the appointment is not for you (you are speaking on their behalf or just accompanying them) then it is correct for the doctor to be addressing your parent. Although they should look at you too.

Answer 3

How frustrating! Have you considered asking them straight out why? E.g. 'I am not being funny and I am not annoyed, but I have just asked you a straight question and you turned to my mother for an answer. I would find it really useful to know why that is?'
This could be because there are conflicting messages sent here. If an adult and their adult child is in a doctor's surgery together, that implies one of the parties has a communicating problem - either a learning disability, or other disability. If your parents are not obviously in either group, a GP may well conclude it is you.
Doesn't include the shop assistant , though, which suggests something about your interaction that is giving a false cue.
Why should you be speaking on your parent's behalf, or they on yours?

Answer 4

A simple fix for this is looking at the "offender" straight in the eyes, and say "excuse me, but this conversation is between you and I, I would prefer if you adress me when you respond, thank you."
If this does not work, reschedule the appointment, or excuse your Mum and finish the conversation.
Usually when someone is speaking in behalf of someone else the person responds to the "one" being spoken about as an act of respect!They feel if someone needs help in communicating it is because they are not able to handle the questions themselves, but are aware that the person in need has feelings, and is aware of whats going on.

Answer 5

No. As a nurse I can tell you exactly what the issue is here. Abuse. Kids like you are either loving, caring kids taking care of mom and dad or they're the other kind. We're trained as medical professionals that whenever a parent, spouse or child monopolizes/controls the conversation, re-direct the conversation and get answars from the child, spouse or parent. Make sure they are given the opportunity to answar for themselves. When you ask a wife with black and blues all over and broken bones "what happened" and the husband doesn't let her get a word in, something is up. Same with a child except a child will look at their parent in fear before answaring. Elderly people are victims of abuse too by their kids. It's okay. They're just doing their job. Trust me. My first concern is my patient. I don't care if the family gets offended, I need to make sure my patient is being taken care of properly.

Answer 6

The only thing I can think of is habit. Whenever I'm faced with a family group, I try to focus on the person who initiated the conversation unless they pass it off to another member.
It happens to me occasionally, and when I'm with my Dad he'll hand the conversation back to me and walk away, or he'll address everything to me, and we'll have our own conversation blocking out the shop assistant/ receptionist until I decide to bring them back into the conversation. If it's a drawn out conversation the eventually get the point that I'm the one they need to speak to.

Answer 7

I have had similar stuff occur to me in a different context. If I go places with my Mom she must talk to other people on and on and I get left out of the conversation and I am unable to even get a word in edgewise, taking turns talking doesn't occur. However, in business circumstances she is fearful and I am the assertive one and she won't say much and will let me do the talking and the other people talk to me. It is stupid of people to do that to you. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Sometimes situations can really be irritating with other people but you can't change them so change how you are responding and maybe they will change in response, maybe even cut down going places with your parent and when you must, sometimes maybe you may need to just be the transportation for them.

Answer 8

To use a translator correctly you address the person that you are questioning and ignore the translator. Your conversation is with the person not the translator who is their tool that they have brought with them. You as a translator or interpreter are merely a tool you are not considered to be present. Otherwise it is bad manners to the person you are speaking on behalf of. Hope that this clears it up for you. Therefore if you are speaking on their behalf the question is still usually addressed to the person on whose behalf you are speaking.


One of many possible references is indicated below.

Answer 9

I am 48 and am the VP of a multinational but it happens to me as well when my mother and wife are there with me. Its come to a stage where i have stopped asking anything from the other person and rather ask my mum or wife to do the needful!!:)

Answer 10

Why are you speaking on their behave? Can they not speak English? If you are say 28 that would make you mother only 68 at the oldest, so she is able to speak for herself. Unless there is something wrong with your parents, my thought is that there is something wrong with you. Are you super controlling or something? I would probably talk to your parents too if it is something about them that is the subject. And if your parents were doing this in reverse, lets say that you were 10, then I would ask them AND you. The reason for this is to acknowledge them as human beings. They are in the room, we do not talk about them as if they were not present. How very rude!